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Being "Ghosted" is confusing and hurts

Maja

Wondered if this is a type of difficulty people here have experienced? 

The short version is that I've been ghosted by friends - people I know in person - where I've had every indication that the friendship was going well and was solid, only to find that they either cut me off with little given reason, or simply vanish on me abruptly. 

I've a history of mostly working, and find work relationships easier in the sense that I am meant to be there and am supposed to communicate with colleagues about work. As with so many accounts from autistic people, I too am rather baffled by a lot of social norms, and have my share of difficulties in developing and maintaining friendships in general. And I get how I can simply no be someone's 'cup of tea'. 

But what is painful, feels cruel, and erodes my fragile and hard worked at sense of esteem or worth is when I'll have known someone a year or more, had a series of meeting up and they've had a nice time (they report and are up for doing it again), and I think I've finally found a friendship that will last, and ... suddenly ... gone! 

Also, I know a lot of people are conscious of social conventions around hurting feelings and people may have reasons and choose not to tell me why they are ending it. But it would be so much kinder if I had some idea why, rather than being left guessing; often for many months or years and feeling I'm the fault. And that brings up shame and guilt, and resonates strongly with many insecurities I have. 

Parents

  • Hi Maja, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Reading your message made me think back about my personal friendships in general. I certainly found friendships easier in childhood, but most things were less complex back then. During my mid teenage both my best friends emigrated with their families within same year and, thinking about it now, I never really made new friends since. I've had some rather superficial acquaintances at uni and work, but those not survived distances and time zones. As I moved around lots for my job, I just stopped even trying eventually. I've been living now in the same place for ten years (quitting work to care for my child didn't help there either) and haven't made a single new friend (apart from some acquaintances that I see sometimes during dog walks where I do have a rare chance to exercise art of a small talk). I think, in essence, it all comes down to how much in common people have (someone mentioned that already!), how personalities match and, in some cases, how different cultures can align (as growing up in different environments, circumstances and cultures may be an obstacle for matching certain social expectations or rules). If I was to start looking for new social contacts I'd try (special interest) hobby groups or forums, as it gives that common ground from where communication can be expanded from. Or, perhaps, something like a walking group.

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  • Hi Maja, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Reading your message made me think back about my personal friendships in general. I certainly found friendships easier in childhood, but most things were less complex back then. During my mid teenage both my best friends emigrated with their families within same year and, thinking about it now, I never really made new friends since. I've had some rather superficial acquaintances at uni and work, but those not survived distances and time zones. As I moved around lots for my job, I just stopped even trying eventually. I've been living now in the same place for ten years (quitting work to care for my child didn't help there either) and haven't made a single new friend (apart from some acquaintances that I see sometimes during dog walks where I do have a rare chance to exercise art of a small talk). I think, in essence, it all comes down to how much in common people have (someone mentioned that already!), how personalities match and, in some cases, how different cultures can align (as growing up in different environments, circumstances and cultures may be an obstacle for matching certain social expectations or rules). If I was to start looking for new social contacts I'd try (special interest) hobby groups or forums, as it gives that common ground from where communication can be expanded from. Or, perhaps, something like a walking group.

Children
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