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Being "Ghosted" is confusing and hurts

Maja

Wondered if this is a type of difficulty people here have experienced? 

The short version is that I've been ghosted by friends - people I know in person - where I've had every indication that the friendship was going well and was solid, only to find that they either cut me off with little given reason, or simply vanish on me abruptly. 

I've a history of mostly working, and find work relationships easier in the sense that I am meant to be there and am supposed to communicate with colleagues about work. As with so many accounts from autistic people, I too am rather baffled by a lot of social norms, and have my share of difficulties in developing and maintaining friendships in general. And I get how I can simply no be someone's 'cup of tea'. 

But what is painful, feels cruel, and erodes my fragile and hard worked at sense of esteem or worth is when I'll have known someone a year or more, had a series of meeting up and they've had a nice time (they report and are up for doing it again), and I think I've finally found a friendship that will last, and ... suddenly ... gone! 

Also, I know a lot of people are conscious of social conventions around hurting feelings and people may have reasons and choose not to tell me why they are ending it. But it would be so much kinder if I had some idea why, rather than being left guessing; often for many months or years and feeling I'm the fault. And that brings up shame and guilt, and resonates strongly with many insecurities I have. 

Parents

  • I found school friendships easier for the reason you find work friendships easier. But yes, ghosting is awful and it seemed to happen to me the most in my teens, seriously, it just seemed to be a period from 2016/2019 where no one wanted to even look at me. As time has gone I feel I can judge people pretty easily now on if they'll be a future "ghoster" or not. Looking how they interact with others or listening about how they interact with others is a good barometer for me at least. 

    I was once a volunteer for several years at an organization, the chairman/boss there had awful, truly awful communication skills, and for the longest time I assumed he hated me as he was that bad at even answering yes or no questions. As time went on, I just realized for better or worse that's how he was wired up and he wasn't doing it out of spite. Doesn't mean what he did was right, but sometimes it's just how people are even if you spend hundreds of hours and hundreds of pounds with them. As I said doesn't make it right at all, but at least solace can be found in knowing it's not always something personal.

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  • I found school friendships easier for the reason you find work friendships easier. But yes, ghosting is awful and it seemed to happen to me the most in my teens, seriously, it just seemed to be a period from 2016/2019 where no one wanted to even look at me. As time has gone I feel I can judge people pretty easily now on if they'll be a future "ghoster" or not. Looking how they interact with others or listening about how they interact with others is a good barometer for me at least. 

    I was once a volunteer for several years at an organization, the chairman/boss there had awful, truly awful communication skills, and for the longest time I assumed he hated me as he was that bad at even answering yes or no questions. As time went on, I just realized for better or worse that's how he was wired up and he wasn't doing it out of spite. Doesn't mean what he did was right, but sometimes it's just how people are even if you spend hundreds of hours and hundreds of pounds with them. As I said doesn't make it right at all, but at least solace can be found in knowing it's not always something personal.

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