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My body is shutting down

NAS71232

I have Barrett's Esophagus and diverticulitis. I have a hernia in my throut too. Sorry if this post is weird. I'm on meds.

They said they have only seen this diverticular serverity in people over 90 and they will have to remove a section of my colon eventually. I'm 48. I have to sleep all the time and the pain in my throat is getting really bad 24/7. I have no energy. I read that my body is constantly fighting my swollen colon, so that's why I'm drowsy and need sleep all the time. They said at the hospital that I need to get regular endoscopys to see if it has turned to cancer. I think it has now. I have an endoscopy in a month or two. There are other illnesses that I can't remember ATM due to my medication. I have cysts on either my kidneys or my liver.

I have no children or a relationship. I'm undiagnosed with autism and ADHD. I don't mind passing. It would be a relief due to all my ailments :)

I would like to donate my organs when I pass if any are still usable. If I can save a life before I go, I would be very happy. There are many people on the waiting list for organs. I'm not sure if anything inside me is savagable, but I would like to offer it if it helps. If I do have cancer, I'm assuming all of my organs will be useless?

I'm living with my sick mother. I need to move out before I get very sick. I don't want her to see that. She has carers twice a day and friends, so she isn't alone.

I would like to live alone in peace. I have difficulty connecting. There is a lady at my GP practice in social housing? that said I can talk to her. I can't live in shared accomodation. I just want a garden. I know I won't get it. 

My bucket list is Thailand and Texas for the BBQ. I can't eat -in as I know I'll puke, so it will have to be a takeaway. I have trouble eating. I just want to taste it before I go.

Sorry if this thead is gross. 

I know I won't get my own place with a garden, so I'll just try  to visit Thailand and Texas, then pass on. I will be very ill on these holidays and will have to renew my passport and save money for the tickets. 

I wish I could just stay in Thailand and pass there, but I don't have the cash to do that. 

Parents

  • Sorry you are suffering so, I remember you posting before. What your going through sounds awful, and I hope you can find some help, it sounds grim but if it came to it, maybe there would be help for palliative care with somewhere with a garden? I obviously hope it doesn't come to that in the future, certainly not till after your trip to Thailand and Texas to see and taste the foods. I think that is a good goal to have. 

    I don't know if you like planning, it could be fun to research, have folders saved with pictures and ideas. Pinterest maybe?

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thanks for the reply.

    There's no point at this stage. I know the government can't help me as I have no children, so I'm not a concern. I think I have one holiday a year on Universal Credit. I'll just try. I don't have the energy to go on holiday. I have trouble going to ALDI for food. My GP said it was the combo of my ailments that is draining me.

    I don't want to wake up anymore. I try to think of things to keep me going, but there is no point. I'll stop posting as I must be a drag.

    Good luck friend.

  • in reply to NAS71232

    Good luck to you too, you can keep posting as much as you want, you don't have to be cheery here, there's space for just saying what you feel, even if you don't feel happy, that's still valid. Sometimes complaining about all the ailments is something at least. Just whenever you have the energy too. At least you don't have to go out to be on the forum.

    Take care, well as much as you possibly can anyway!

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    That sounds great! In another life, I would travel with you :)

  • in reply to NAS71232

    I need to stop masking and see the social housing lady. I can't tell her the actual truth. I don't want to ruin her day, telling her about my condition. It's why I mask in the first place o_0

  • in reply to NAS71232

    Suffering is tough, just to keep going with pain isn't easy. I like that you have plants for company though, they can give more than people think!

    The finger lime plants sound exciting, I hadn't even heard of them. I had a book, it's falling apart a bit, called 'two cooks and a suitcase'. It was from a pair that had a deli shop, but they had taken a trip to travel round the south of North America, tasting food and talking to people and finding ingredients. Your limes remind me of that! A taste of somewhere else.

    It's a hard thing to travel anyway, but how cool would that be to see the places you want to go. It's on my list to go to Japan one day, though I know I'd get overwhelmed in the cities, the quiet peaceful mountains would be amazing to see, like you see in many shows. Though I would manage the busy parts for the opportunity to go the Studio Ghibli museum and possibly the Pokémon store, more to see then to buy things.  It would be very cool just to go try the authentic food there, I'm sure it would be much better than the Japanese food we get over here!

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  • in reply to NAS71232

    Suffering is tough, just to keep going with pain isn't easy. I like that you have plants for company though, they can give more than people think!

    The finger lime plants sound exciting, I hadn't even heard of them. I had a book, it's falling apart a bit, called 'two cooks and a suitcase'. It was from a pair that had a deli shop, but they had taken a trip to travel round the south of North America, tasting food and talking to people and finding ingredients. Your limes remind me of that! A taste of somewhere else.

    It's a hard thing to travel anyway, but how cool would that be to see the places you want to go. It's on my list to go to Japan one day, though I know I'd get overwhelmed in the cities, the quiet peaceful mountains would be amazing to see, like you see in many shows. Though I would manage the busy parts for the opportunity to go the Studio Ghibli museum and possibly the Pokémon store, more to see then to buy things.  It would be very cool just to go try the authentic food there, I'm sure it would be much better than the Japanese food we get over here!

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