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All-or-nothing mindset.

JellyBean

Hello,

I think Metal health and wellbeing is a good fit for this topic.

I was wandering if anyone else has the "All-or-nothing" mindset? and if so how do you deal with it? I've been jogging again for the past 18 weeks. I enterd a few "races" nearby for the 5K, I finished them but not unbroken, I had to stop to walk a few times. In my mind I didn't run a 5K, I faild. Its not what people think though, when I told my family they acted as if I was being hard on myself, maybe I am but not in a sad way, not in a "I'm not good enough way and I'll never be good enough." but rather, "That was good but not good enough do better next time!"

I have three medels in my room for 5Ks and I've not earned any of them. I had to stop and walk, again not an attack against myself, but in my mind I did not run a 5K. But I can now do a 5K unbroken, its slow, I'm sitting at a 35:25 minute 5K, not great but its unbroken! So the next time I do the race (October) I'll be able to do it fully and it will be the first time I've finished the race and done an actual 5K race. It was that mindset that pushed me to do it. To go out in the freezing rain, heat, snow, hail, wind and so on to keep running. Its paid off now but here is my issue:

I'm currently studying CS and AI development at the OU (Open University), and this mindset is starting to affect my ability to learn. If I haven't answered a question fully, on my own with no help then I've answered the question, if I had help then I haven't answered the question. If the latter does happen then I zone out and chalk it up as a loss.

Silly I know, where it has served me well in running, like an angry coach, it is holding me back in education. 

So my question is simply: if you have it how do you deal with it, how do you stop it from sabotaging you?

  • Hello JellyBean

    When I read the title of your post, I immediately thought "I know what this refers to!"

    You asked: if you have it how do you deal with it, how do you stop it from sabotaging you? and in truth, I am not sure that I do deal with it...well enough, yet. 

    Your post got me thinking back to research and something I was recently told about which has helped to re-frame how I approach things I do since then. Here are their premises in somewhat of a summary:

    Dr Olivia Remes - Doing it badly

    - Start with a task poorly rather not at all. This in itself helps (with repetition/consistently) helps to overcome perfectionism, procrastination, anxiety.

    - Break the paralysis of perfectionism. By allowing for messy, imperfect initial efforts (again with repetition/consistently) that can be improved upon later in the long run and over time tells our brain this is better because there has been productivity and in turn helps to reduce negative feelings.

    - Key Takeaways - 

    Overcome procrastination when faced with a task, aim to do it poorly first (lowering the barrier to entry and initiate action which allows for momentum).

    Combat perfectionism belief in perfect prevents starting, aim to focus on the act and not the gravity yet (embracing a draft to allow for better re-attempts to make it better next time).

    Ellen Langer - Mistakes reaction

    - Perfectionism is an encouragement or reinforcement to thinking "I must make no mistakes ever".

    - Re-framing making room to allow "mistake are and can be forgiven".

    - Active engagement is encouragement to thinking "I make deliberate mistakes rather than not at all".

    - Key Takeaways - 

    How we frame mistakes impacts performance and creativity. Allowing for mistakes or even expecting and allowing for them tells our brain there is an allowance for taking opportunities, rather than focusing on a catastrophe. 

    Mistakes are just information, they are not inherently good or bad, but rather opportunities to make life more interesting.

    As I get to this part in my reply, I have a thought that your post resonated with me because I recognise being hard on myself for those "all-or-nothing" moments, so I do get it. It is a hard one and is not something I think can be stopped, certainly not quickly, but I think for myself it is something I am finding myself working at being kinder towards myself for. I know the feeling, people around me saying "be kinder to yourself" or "you're being too hard on yourself" - I want to say: "if I could then we would not be having the conversation/Hello autism" and roll my eyes. Maybe I never will, fully. But I notice with my autism/adhd traits, that having tangible examples/concrete research (as it were) for some reason seems to allow my brain to release the pressure valve of the all-or-nothing, and just that little bit has been something. 

    I hope, maybe, sharing this helps to release the pressure for someone else out there. I hope it can help you JellyBean. 

    Best wishes,

    Curious Panda

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you, Bunny. That is very helpful. Sometimes its just nice to know its part of the whole picture. There is something comforting about it. I did refer myself for a talking therapy session but after talking with a nice woman over the phone she concluded that I wasn't a good fit anymore. I'm not in any danger these days, those days have passed, thankfully. She did refer me or rather send me a link to something that she thought may help. Can't remember the name of it now but I did sign up for it. It was a council run thing to help adults with the "struggles" of autism living. It was brand new apparently.

    Still waiting for that but with it being council run it could take another year or another 1,000 years. But anyway, thank you very much. Its always nice to know that its not a "just me" thing.

    Love your profile icon by the way!

  • Hi and welcome to the community!

    An all-or-nothing mindset - often also referred to as black-white-thinking, or cognitive rigidity - is a common issue among us, as autistic people.

    In respect of the diagnostic criteria, it falls under the DSM's category B (Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities) and, under the ICD manual, falls within the list of features under "Persistent restricted, repetitive, and inflexible patterns of behaviour, interests, or activities".

    You might find this advice, from a Scottish NHS team, helpful:

    NEST (part of NHS Ayrshire & Arran) - All or Nothing: Understanding Black-and-White Thinking in Neurodivergence

    Therapy or counselling are often recommended after a diagnosis, as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. Perhaps that might be something to consider in respect of these difficulties? If you prefer, depending on where you are in the UK, you might instead be able to self refer for talking therapy on the NHS. 

    Before arranging anything, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful:

    The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

    Some of the Open University's student's union resources might also be helpful, including their link to the OU's disability support help centre:

    OpenSU - Neurodiversity Support Hub / Study resources and support