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Accepting being autistic…knowing the limits are there forever

aurelis

Hi,

I’m slowly coming to the realisation that no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to get out of being autistic. I wish often that I could get rid of my autism, just so I can function normally. Even if it was to trade in some of my quirky behaviour and uniqueness of me just so I know I could be an adult. It feels like there’s a chasm between me and them, and no matter how hard i try, I can never get there. Even when I’m not hurt by neurotypicals and they’re friendly, I instantly feel inferior because I feel as if they’re normal, and won’t understand my strangeness. 

I sometimes get bursts of inspiration and drive, which last a few months, which give me confidence to feel as if I can compete on the same level as everyone else, and I can show up properly. The pride is from the feeling that I feel I’ve overcome my autism and conquered it. So when I burn out after, I feel despair. It’s like I’m always thinking I’ll hit that one thing that’ll impact me really deeply and change the course of who I am, give me an identity and help me feel a strong sense of direction.

More than anything, I just want to feel like I belong, without feeling that I’m trying so hard to do so. To feel that I can honestly switch off. I wish there was a switch to turn off my autism, so I can see the world for what it is rather than living in my daydreaming…

Parents

  • I find it weird. There are CEOs with autism that are very successful, yet I'm looking for reasons not to cull myself.

    I don't want kids and have no purpose for anyone in this world. I accidently form relationships and cut them off. A sad state of affairs.

    I don't bother anyone, but autism is a spectrum that depends on the individual. From what I've gathered, if you're a winner, then autism is just an obstacle that can be jumped over. Unfortunately, I'm not a winner.

  • in reply to NAS71232

    I wonder what makes those CEOs successful. I wonder if they have coping mechanisms, or healthy management strategies? I’m sure that they can’t have done it all on their own. Or maybe they’ve found success leaning into their special interest, and it so happens to help them become successful (I presume by success you mean financial?)

    I wonder what makes a winner in your eyes? For me I thought and still hold onto, but fighting to let go of, the idea of winning is the perfect version of me. That version of me doesn’t have the autism as an obstacle, and is much more committed, consistent, and not crashing all the time. Me never being able to attain this in the way I feel I should makes me feel a loser. I’m trying to let go of it or I’ll forever feel a loser…

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  • in reply to NAS71232

    I wonder what makes those CEOs successful. I wonder if they have coping mechanisms, or healthy management strategies? I’m sure that they can’t have done it all on their own. Or maybe they’ve found success leaning into their special interest, and it so happens to help them become successful (I presume by success you mean financial?)

    I wonder what makes a winner in your eyes? For me I thought and still hold onto, but fighting to let go of, the idea of winning is the perfect version of me. That version of me doesn’t have the autism as an obstacle, and is much more committed, consistent, and not crashing all the time. Me never being able to attain this in the way I feel I should makes me feel a loser. I’m trying to let go of it or I’ll forever feel a loser…

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