I was going to write these two issues in two separate posts, but it clicked in my head together, that maybe they are connected. The first issue is me constantly feeling like i annoy other people, especially at work. I don't dare asking them, because I think they would get annoyed by such a question. I'm aware of that it's in my mind, because alongside with being labelled as weirdo I'm also often praised for my work and unique attention to details and memory. But still it sticks in my mind, that im a *** and everybody hates me. I think it's a trauma after years of being bullied. And compliments from coworkers seem to not fix it.
When it comes to being bullied by kids... tge story repeats. I'm a mother of a 4,5 y/o girl and I take her to the playground almost everyday to give her time to play with peers, I take healthy snacks - fruits peeled and cut in pieces, some biscuits sometimes, bread roll, water and I blanket so she can make a picnic with friends. We also take toys, soap bubbles, chalk for drawing on the pavement. And she enjoys. I'm giving her childhood that I've never had, because I was an isolated weirdo without friends. I don't interfere when not necessary, they are free to be in their own company. I use this time to write my new story about aliens. But what upsets me is that my little daughter and her friends bully me. Maybe they feel that im different, not chatting and laughing with other mom's. I'm just sitting alone in my inner world. Recently she asked her friend to approach me and tell me that I'm a ***. He did it. Then she did it too and they both laughed. I froze and without any expression I just told them "no". Then they laughed and my daughter told her friend "good job". I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything about this situation but I'm upset with myself that it's me again being the victim of bullies. For no reason. Just sitting quietly and not disturbing anyone. So I'm trying my best to stay sane and repeat myself, that it's only in my head. And then I hear it with my own ears. I don't know how I deserve this treatment. I aldo have no idea how to react, what should I tell the kids. It's always only me being the inferior, the victim. And I start getting afraid of kids again.