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I feel useless and inferior

Alien0n3arth

I'm sorry that im sharing it here. I feel useless and burden at work. Because I can't drive forklift and there are shortages in crew. In fact my boss said its fine I don't have to drive it. But I feel like it would be better if I'm not there. It would be better and more productive if I was normal or if someone else worked there instead of me. I'm so ashamed of all this that I don't even dare to bother my manager with my concerns because I think he would be annoyed. The most important thing is that the job is done and nobody cares how I feel. I know. I just beat myself up for not being like others. For being slower more sensitive and have low stress tolerance. I usually end up in hospital with very strong psychosomatic symptoms but no illness causing them if I'm exposed to stress and dynamic environment for longer time. That's why I can't drive the forklift. I tried and my manager was initially satisfied with the way I drive it. I'm also not afraid of the vehicle snd even the noise is not that bad, when sitting inside. But this job is not just driving the forklift around. It's a lot to process,  communication,  sensory, someone talking, phone ringing, one customer,  second customer order etc. I can't do this. My colleagues value what I do. They say I notice all damages and report them, I use my brains, I keep papers in oder etc. But I still feel inferior and wanna beat myself up fir that.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    They may have some difficulties, but it sounds as though they're equally matched by the possitives.

    You don't have to be perfect, none of us do, we just have to be good enough

  • Hi Alienonearth,

    I am really sorry to hear you are struggling. I am sure you are stilling contributing a lot to the crew and are a very valued employee.

    We have some resources that may help with navigating work: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/employment.

    It may also be helpful to see if your employer has any employee assistance programme that can help you by talking to someone about this.

    We also have mental health and wellbeing resources that may help you if you want to talk to someone about how you are feeling: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/mental-health-and-wellbeing

    I hope you can also find support from the community.  

    Best wishes,

    Alice Mod

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I would like to be able to do everything. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you for your response with good questions.  I wouldn't bother my boss with it. We had a conversation once and that's it. He said its not a problem that I don't drive it. They decided that I won't do the licence because it costs too much to have someone who only occasionally could drive it. And I would have to constantly exercise. The problem is that I would like to do it, but I know I can't. And there are crew shortages and my colleagues got sick so now it would be useful if I could drive it. I also worry that the management doesn't want me there anymore. It's psychosis, I know. Although I take the strongest double dose, I still have them. I have to talk to my psychiatrist.

  • I can't add anything further AlienOn3arth, some great advice below. It's so easy to get caught up on what we can't do and stop seeing what we can. I do it all the time as well and it feels awful and I wish I could stop. But even if you were someone else, not everyone can drive something as complex as a forklift, so even if they had a neurotypical employee, there is no guarantee they could do it either. Like everyone said, you have amazing skills that they do value and as part of a team you are worth having. You can't do everything, but then again, very few people can! 

    Even if you can't see it yourself, trust that other people can see your value and you might get there too. 

  • This is why you have a team of people. Your colleagues might not like doing some of the other things, like paperwork.

    They can split up the work. This is no doubt what your manager thinks since they are ok if you don't drive the forklift.

    Instead of focussing on what you can't do, think about what you can do. Everyone has things they can't do or are less good at. That's why you have different people in HR, sales, finance, logistics, etc. it is normal.

    If your colleagues and your manager are happy, the only person who is worrying is you. You are not in charge, you are not being paid to worry. Just do what you need to. If people have a problem they'll tell you. If you are not sure, then ask your boss. Don't ask every week, but it is ok to check once that it is really ok.

    In any case you can drive the forklift, just not for very long. So you have the ability. But as you get stressed it becomes a bit much. This is nothing to beat yourself up about. 

    What is it you are afraid of? 

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you, I'm not sure if I wanna be perfect or just like others. I think that they have additional problems with me and my difficulties. 

  • It sounds as though your collegues are grateful that you pick up all the stuff they don't like or want to do.

    Why do you feel the need to beat yourself up for not being "perfect" and who's vision of perfect are you failing at?

    I think if you could start to answer these questions, then maybe you'll be able to be nicer to yourself.

    ((hugs))