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Waiting for assessment

Alien0n3arth

I have confirmation for my dates in October and November this year. I go private, there are 2 reasons for that. Waiting lists for the assessments on insurance are astronomically long and people wait years. Another reason is that as I red the requirements- there must be a family member ready to be my informant (parents or siblings) and I don't fill this requirement. I could maybe ask my only friend who knows me 20 years, but they don't accept such option. So ok, I called snd emailed many clinics and one lady responded. I have to pay myself, but it doesn't bother me much. I have savings, I don't travel ir party, I don't smoke or drink and I buy very little clothes or shoes only when really necessary. So there are people who spend a lot of money for the things I just listed, I don't spend my money on any of it. But decided to spend them on getting myself help. Yes, I view it as a help in my situation. The lady fully accepts the fact that I don't have informant but I have evidence collected by myself. She will work on that. She wrote me that it's most Important for her to talk to the person. If needed, she can also ask my husband few questions. I'm kind of worried, kind of can't believe it, it's gonna happen this year, I also experience imposter Syndrom, what if I'm faking it all... I know I don't. But it's all too much. One long term pen pall, who I met in this forum supports me on my journey I'm very grateful to them. Just today my daughter asked me to not look her so hostile, while I was just helping her take shower (she is 4) I wasn't angry or hostile at all. Just neutral and I looked that she doesn't fall. Now it makes sense. I used to think, that all people around me hate me. Now it's clearer- this is how they perceive me. Even my little daughter. And my husband often asks me why I'm so moody, when I'm not. My step dad used to tell me that he can't look at my face and was going to punch me, my mom stopped him. For me doing nothing just sitting quietly. Its an old story. I hope I will get the right answer- if I'm autistic,  I want the autism diagnosis. If it's something else- I would like to finally know, what. After decade of misdiagnosis and various treatments I would like to finally know. And maybe get some help or at least join the local support group. Here it's possible only with the official diagnosis. 

  • in reply to Mr T

    Thank you, I am myself. I'm not a high masker (most probably) as I often hear that there is something wrong with me. Colleagues at work sometimes doubt if I can speak or write. Some people try to diagnose me themselves (gues what I might have) and there are all sort of diagnoses, only recently I heard Schizophrenia, one colleague with BPD said I must have it too (my therapist laughed, when i told him), standard diagnosis- depression, PTSD, etc. My sister told me I'm psychotic. I stim a lot, I have a family assistant who told me we have to work on my facial expressions and tone of voice because it's too flat and my daughter can't read my intentions. I also struggle with reading hers. And the fact that my therapist spotted my traits very quickly seems to be a proof of me not being good at masking. 

    I refused trying any online assessment on camera, I want to be there and i want the assessor to see me in person. It gives more chances of a correct diagnosis. 

  • I’m so glad that you have confirmation of your dates of assessment. 

    Alien0n3arth said:
    I'm kind of worried, kind of can't believe it, it's gonna happen this year, I also experience imposter Syndrom, what if I'm faking it all... I know I don't

    Your feelings of being worried and of not quite believing it’s going to happen are so common here and I felt that way when approaching assessment too. Also, the imposter syndrome is quite usual. 

    You have done all you can for now and it will be good to have certainty when it’s all over. The unknown plays havoc with our minds. 

  • Wanted to wish good luck for your assessment. I too didn't have anyone with past knowledge but the clinic were great and spoke to my partner for some additional areas.

    I too felt that dreaded imposter syndrome right up until they gave me the news. So it is natural to feel like that. As others have said just be yourself. The experts are the ones to judge. I would if you are a high masker mention it at the start of the session.

  • in reply to Roy

    Thank you! 

    Yes, I wrote some time ago that if I have a possibility to get myself tested, I would do that. So I do.

  • Good luck, I’m so glad you have decided to seek a diagnosis, I understand your reasons for going privately.

    I joke with my wife, I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, gamble or go out much. I own two pairs of shoes and few clothes. I enjoy expensive tea, it’s my pleasure in life.

    You earned your savings, I’m glad you’re spending some of it on something that will bring you hopefully a lot of answers and understanding. Once again good luck.

  • in reply to Brian_Mod

    Thank you for your kind words and advice. 

  • Hi Alien0n3arth

    Firstly I should say that feeling this way about diagnosis is natural. Everyone is different, and there are all kinds of ways people can feel about the prospect of being diagnosed with autism, like mine was unique to me and yours will be unique to you. The fact that you are doing this is a positive and I would suggest that this should be the focus.

    If you haven't already done so, you can look here - What can I do while waiting for an autism assessment? - to find out more about the process and what you can do right now.

    I hope everything works out for you and please don't hesitate to reach out if any further questions arise.

    Warm regards

    Brian Mod

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you, this lady wrote that she is more focused on individuals who are less "stereotypical" and from marginalised minorities, also LGBT. I'm not one, but she offered me these dates. I hope she will understand me and take my story seriously.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    From what I understand these are standard tests, and then it's up to the assessor how they gather the rest of the information needed. I think some have more forms, and some ask the questions in the interviews more, that's what I think anyway, as everywhere seems to have different paper work and different lengths of time they spend speaking to you. 

    If she's experienced at it, she'll have a system that works for her. I know that you mean though, I too had found embrace autism website, and then when I was diagnosed, it wasn't the same website, but it was all the same questions in a different order. I still felt very nervous too! Doing it at a quiet time with a cup of tea helped me get through them.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you, yes I will try. My strength is that I speak English. The psychologist asked me to fill tests online and save the results as PDF and then email them to her. She wrote the best are in English, not all available in German, and she sent me link to tge site embrace-autism.com I wrote her, that I know this site. I only have to find time and motivation to repeat these tests. I'm wondering that she is not sending me any forms to fill out. Only online tests.

  • Good luck  , I'm glad you found someone to work with you, and I totally agree that spending money on yourself like this is definitely worth it -it was the same for me. 

    Try not to worry for the assessment, just be yourself that's all you need to do. The hardest bit is waiting, it can be stressful so try to take it easy on yourself before hand.