Dealing with anxiety

I just tried to ignore it and pushed on. Where it was too much I avoided the situation if at all possible. I just thought having a knot in your stomach, sweating and feeling nauseous when you went out was normal. 

Planning ahead, thinking of contingency plans, scripting as much as possible, helped. Trying to breathe normally also helped.

The more times you do something the easier it gets. The first few are the hardest then you learn you can do it and you can cope. The problem is always doing something the first time, even just going to a new shop. It is the fear of the unknown, turned up too high.

You can't really think your way out of it as it is a nervous system response. Only confidence gets rid of it, which is just knowing what to expect (and feeling safe).

Having someone accompany you always helps.

Yes, I've always just tried to push it down, I suppose that's why it bubbles back up when you don't want it to as things never get dealt with. 

I do plan a lot, it helps a lot, and when I am confident in a plan it does feel much better. I really wanted to see the Totoro stage show a few years ago, but the idea of going to London was awful. But once I planned every section of it, from the trains, all the stops, to where to get food and even the street view of the walking section, I was actually able to look forward to it and it went relatively well. 

It's also really hard how quickly I can lose all the confidence I thought I had built, it seems as sturdy as a sandcastle against the sea. It doesn't seem to take much these days for it all to be washed away again.

Yes, I've always just tried to push it down, I suppose that's why it bubbles back up when you don't want it to as things never get dealt with. 

I do plan a lot, it helps a lot, and when I am confident in a plan it does feel much better. I really wanted to see the Totoro stage show a few years ago, but the idea of going to London was awful. But once I planned every section of it, from the trains, all the stops, to where to get food and even the street view of the walking section, I was actually able to look forward to it and it went relatively well. 

It's also really hard how quickly I can lose all the confidence I thought I had built, it seems as sturdy as a sandcastle against the sea. It doesn't seem to take much these days for it all to be washed away again.

You are right, I don't have much recuperating time, so my reserves are never that deep. I could say I just don't have the time for myself, but I also know that's slightly untrue, it's more I don't value myself enough to make time. 

Communicating with others is a double-edged sword for me. I want to talk but I have a lot pain and shame around taking up other people's time. It sounds silly, but the bullying from school has given me an internal voice in my head to continue it on, so when I do something or someone says something positive, I counter it immediately. Helping others gives me some value, though it's easily shaken off again. 

Maybe if I can ease the worrying about taking up any space, it might get easier, and my spoons wouldn't have holes in them then.

Why do you think you are fragile?

Are you trying to do too much, or not resting enough? Not just actual sleeping, but mental recuperation, i.e quiet time.

Are you putting yourself under too much pressure?

You may find it easier if you have more 'spoons'. I didn't think it applied to me, but I am starting to see I am more capable, more flexible and more calm when I have some resources. It feels different.

If you are always close to the edge you have little reserve. You feel better but there is no depth and you are easily tipped back into it.

The fact you managed the Totoro show shows you can do it. Just remember how it felt. You can be like that more of the time.