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Parents get angry and frustrated at me...for simply being Autistic

WitchyPrincess06

Earlier today my mum was trying to explain something to me in regards towards shopping or whatever. Anyways, she explain the question clearly enough for me and then started getting angry and frustrated with me even though she's the one not explaining it CLEARLY to me. The next thing I know she's then yelling at me and then says something along the lines of "Even by autistic standards, this is easy for anyone to understand"... thus making me feel and sound like an absolute idiot. Eventually what felt like an eternity of her shouting and screaming the same thing over and over at me (by which this point I'm having a breakdown and crying my eyes out) she then finally asks me the question in the way which she should explained it to me in the first place and I was finally able to answer her which I thought would satisfy her, but instead of apologising to me for getting unnecessarily angry at me instead she somehow she turned it round somehow made it out like it's MY fault for not being able understand a simple question and that I was acting like a baby for being upset at her shouting at me...

I should point out that this isn't the first time this sort of situation has happened. For years, I've went though this sort of situation/altercation and it's always the same. They ask me a question or ask me to do something, I'm left confused because they haven't explained the question or given me the instructions properly and clearly, they then get angry and frustrated with me and when I finally do understand what they asked of me, they then make it sound as if it's my fault for not being able to think like a "normal" person. But what makes me more upset is the times when they do give some sort of apology, most of the time it's always "We're sorry you FELT hurt"... never "We’re sorry we hurt you". 

The fact that they are trying somehow justify verbal attacks on me, the fact they genuinely don't think they did anything wrong... that's what hurts me the most. It hurts because it only reinforces the idea that I'M the problem, that I'm stupid even by autistic standards. I love my parents but It's moments like that where they appear so self riteous and a little self absorbed 

Has anybody else felt like this? 

Has anyone else been through something like this? 

Or am I overreacting??

Parents

  • I will say unequivocally it is not your fault to be shouted at. That is such a horrible experience, and I think of it now like verbally hitting someone, which is not okay. 

    It comes down to frustration and not being able to keep that from boiling over. It's actually very common, I mean I have been that parent that couldn't cope and shouted, then immediately regretted it. I do apologise though, and that is another thing that is actually very hard to do as a lot of people don't know how. I've always maintained that apologising to your kids is one of the best things you can do as a parent as it shows then how to back down from being wrong. A lot of people think for some reason that's weakness, but it's easier to protect yourself and keep the anger and wrongness on the other person, rather than be able to change and say I'm sorry with sincerity, and it's the only way to try do better next time. I do warn my kids though, that adults, especially those in authority like teachers and police will never back down, so it's better not to point out they are wrong as it tends to make them angry, and they need to be aware of this.

    I'm sorry your parents can't apologies to you, but try to see that it's not you, they might not be able to, which is sad, but best not say that. Try to do some grounding or something that makes you feel better after instead. My daughter has a mental health plush that gives positive affirmation which helps her, when she needs space but also calmness.

    The original problem of not understanding is the double empathy problem, it is like a rickety bridge between ND and NT. Getting frustrated at you doesn't help, and shouting and making you cry can send you into fight it flight mode which actually makes it harder to think. It's worth in calm times trying to work on language to help you both for the hard times, like working out how to tell her you are having trouble understanding and would like some more help (like something agreed so she knows your are trying), perhaps that will soften those times. Also if you can try repeat back what you think she's said, she might realise what she's missed out that she thought was obvious but wasn't to you. Little things to help make the bridge a bit more stable. Even tell her how you feel when she shouts at you. Also if you can't do this verbally, try write a letter, sometimes I need to write it down as I can't get the words out.

    I hope you can feel a bit better though, no one deserves to be told they are stupid, and I don't get that at all the way you've articulated yourself here. Be brave, communication issues are difficult for us and you are not alone.

    Take care.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    I will say unequivocally it is not your fault to be shouted at. That is such a horrible experience, and I think of it now like verbally hitting someone, which is not okay. 

    Great post,  and I thoroughly agree with this. I get shouted at by my wife when she gets frustrated and I find this toxic. 

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