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Mixed thoughts and feelings.

Alien0n3arth

I'm sorry, decided to share it here. I feel guilty. Guilty for not being diagnosed,  but knowing about my autistic traits (this is tge only thing I'm sure, that I do have these autistic traits since early childhood). Guilty for claiming the label in order to belong. Guilty for seeking formal diagnosis,  because I function too good in daily life. I can go somewhere alone, I can cook clean, do shopping etc. I feel disabled but I question if it's enough in comparison with many others. Then there are angry voices of people who struggle more, because of this "trend diagnosis". So I'm one of those who cause someone more pain and it makes me feel awful. Sometimes I would like to go back in time to the point before I found out about autism. I'm going crazy probably. I'm sorry, for sharing this. I heard an interview,  where one psychologist said, that there are suddenly people seeking the diagnosis,  people who wouldn't seek it 20 years ago. Ok, these people (most of them) are stuck in the system for decades with misdiagnosis. It's all messy and I need clarity. I feel bad, guilty, and confused.

Parents

  • Here are a few points:

    There is a simple blood test for diabetes. It didn't used to be done that way. Do we say too many people are being tested, we should ignore it and test the old way? Same for cholesterol, should we stop testing it?

    So if diagnosis for autism is now available that was not 25 years ago, should we say don't bother testing? No, we should use the tools available if it helps people to adjust their lives to make themselves more comfortable. It's called progress.

    If I break one arm, should I not got to hospital because some people have 2 broken arms, or a broken leg? No, if some people are less fortunate or have a slightly different issue, it does not invalidate your struggle. It is not a competition to see who is worst affected.

    Being impaired does not mean you can't do anything. It means you have a spiky profile and can struggle with some things. It also does not mean you are permanently impaired, you can vary depending on how stressed or overloaded you are, how close to burnout you are. If you have long term consistent patterns that prevent you living a normal life, that affect relationships, career, friends, cause isolation, cause emotional problems and confusion, you have additional challenges. If doing this are harder than for others, you limit what you do, it becomes harder to keep up, pay bills, keep the house tidy, maintain things. Each person's mix is different. Having burnout, shutdowns, sleep issues, anxiety, stress responses, etc. makes life harder. Can you keep going, maybe as you have no choice, but at what cost?

    Autists are typically very concerned about claiming the label unjustly. I think it is quite a good indicator. Just like researching autism obsessively once you suspect.

    Guilt is an internal thing. Someone can't force you to feel guilty, it is something you do to yourself, based upon learned behaviour and rules you have set. These rules may not be fair or accurate. You may be judging yourself too harshly.

    Autism is partly a communication issue. So being misunderstood and misunderstanding things is part of it. This makes you susceptible to being too sensitive to other people's opinions. It also makes you doubt yourself, apologise, wonder if you are worthy. All the things you have said are completely consistent.

    You are not going crazy. You are just going through the process. I thought all the same things. Just be kind to yourself.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you for your response! Yes I definitely have a spikey profile, can learn a language on my own to perfection but can't use it to find friends. 

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