• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 8 subscribers
  • Views 217 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

How to recognise on time that I should refuse

Alien0n3arth

I struggle with being taken advantage of, I was even told that at work by a manager. The lady is our bosses assistant. She asked me if I'm afraid of refusing. I'm not sure if I'm afraid... I just don't recognise on time, or not myself at all, that I should have refused to someone. It looks like people pleasing, but its not my intention. I obviously don't get people's intentions. I'm like a child- assume that all people are good and don't want any harm for me. Unfortunately I got it a hard way and although I already know from my experience,  that absolutely not all people are good with good intentions,  I still fall into this trap. Someone tells me to do something or go somewhere.  I do it automatically. Like a robot. And maybe only later I would analyse the situation and come to a very unpleasant and uncomfortable conclusion,  that I was taken advantage of. It's since ever. In my childhood it was same, I had some very painful memories of being bullied thus way.

Thus is one of the reasons, why I feel inferior to others. It's hard at work. The world is crazy, too fast, too complicated and I have to take decisions in real time. I'm too slow.

Sorry for this post. Has anyone experience or advice? Would be appreciated. 

  • It's quite insightful how you see all people are good and don't want any harm to you. I've never thought of that before, but I admire the optimism. 

    I struggle with this in that I find myself giving up train seats too easily, and moving mountains constantly for strangers. It can be really exhausting. 

    Something that might be useful. I asked Leo AI yesterday on how to differentiate between being a pushover and practical, and 3 questions to ask before people pleasing:

    1. Is what you are doing in your core values; what drives you, and are you refusing or accepting tasks at work that you believe in? 
    2. Is this something you will regret in the future; will you feel bad about not refusing a task at work in the future. And will accepting that task at work make your future workload harder? 
    3. What is the motive behind the people pleasing? You mentioned you do things like a robot, but is there a trend in the why of you doing certain tasks.

    I hope this helps with decision making in a way, and avoid being taken advantage of. You just want to do the right thing, and I wish everyone would follow your lead. 

  • in reply to Jamesmac

    I'm often worried about doing again automatically something that I shouldn't. If I'm prepared for a situation or conversation- I can refuse. It's bot a problem. But mist of the time I'm unprepared. Life is wild and unpredictable. 

  • I know how you feel. I always worry about upsetting other people, so I'm often a people pleaser

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thank you, I can and do refuse if it's a conversation that I prepared in my head in advance.  But my work environment is pretty unpredictable.  I will try to sort out the situations that already happened.  But I can't predict everything. My colleagues noticed that im vulnerable and I'm ashamed of it and worried they will take advantage of me more

  • I don't know if your work environment is predictable enough to imagine likely scenarios. I used to think up things that could happen and then think how I should respond a d how I should feel. It was sort of scripting or planning to enable masking.

    You can work out what you should say yes or no to, then when it happens you don't have to think because you recognise it.

    An alternative is to ask at the time if you can have a few minutes to think about it. This might be long enough for you to realise whether it is ok or not.

    I try to avoid possible rejection and conflict, so setting boundaries is hard.