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Controlling behaviour

Emphi

Our 8 year old daughter (diagnosed with Asd and Adhd)  is obsessively controlling of her sister. If her sister does the smallest thing that she deems incorrect (holding her bag incorrectly, not sitting in the car correctly, using a hair band to tie some cards together, singing, not flushing the loo) her reactions are extreme. She has huge meltdowns, us often aggressive and intimidating. Her sister is suffering so much because of this. So are the rest of us. I try in co-regulate with our daughter but it is like she has to see the meltdown through to the end where she drives herself and everyone else to tears. She isn't like it with anyone else. It is specifically her sister who she has a problem with. 

Any advice would be really helpful. 

Parents

  • I was thinking about this and just wanted to throw these thoughts into the mix.

    When I was a kid I would play a lot with my younger sister (1 yr 9month  younger), and we would also fight a lot too, nothing major, just arguing about how to play the games and rules and shouting (she was always stronger so I would never dare start anything like that as she would win hands down).
    One day my mum explained to me that she wasn't the same as me, she had different values ideas and things she wanted and I couldn't expect her to be me. Granted I was probably a bit older than your daughter, but this was like a eureka moment for me. I stopped having high expectations of her and we never really fought like that again.  

    I was wondering if your daughter was maybe seeing her younger sister as an extension of herself, theory of mind can be an issue with autism, and perhaps having a chat and emphasising she is seperate might help? Also, maybe force the issue that if she has a problem, she has to say it to you not your other daughter. This puts a buffer between them, so your youngest isn't having to deal with the abuse directly, lets her feel listened to but learn to deal with frustration in a healthy way, and would also help with the idea she can't control her sister.

    Anyway, just some thoughts and ideas.

Reply

  • I was thinking about this and just wanted to throw these thoughts into the mix.

    When I was a kid I would play a lot with my younger sister (1 yr 9month  younger), and we would also fight a lot too, nothing major, just arguing about how to play the games and rules and shouting (she was always stronger so I would never dare start anything like that as she would win hands down).
    One day my mum explained to me that she wasn't the same as me, she had different values ideas and things she wanted and I couldn't expect her to be me. Granted I was probably a bit older than your daughter, but this was like a eureka moment for me. I stopped having high expectations of her and we never really fought like that again.  

    I was wondering if your daughter was maybe seeing her younger sister as an extension of herself, theory of mind can be an issue with autism, and perhaps having a chat and emphasising she is seperate might help? Also, maybe force the issue that if she has a problem, she has to say it to you not your other daughter. This puts a buffer between them, so your youngest isn't having to deal with the abuse directly, lets her feel listened to but learn to deal with frustration in a healthy way, and would also help with the idea she can't control her sister.

    Anyway, just some thoughts and ideas.

Children
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