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Controlling behaviour

Emphi

Our 8 year old daughter (diagnosed with Asd and Adhd)  is obsessively controlling of her sister. If her sister does the smallest thing that she deems incorrect (holding her bag incorrectly, not sitting in the car correctly, using a hair band to tie some cards together, singing, not flushing the loo) her reactions are extreme. She has huge meltdowns, us often aggressive and intimidating. Her sister is suffering so much because of this. So are the rest of us. I try in co-regulate with our daughter but it is like she has to see the meltdown through to the end where she drives herself and everyone else to tears. She isn't like it with anyone else. It is specifically her sister who she has a problem with. 

Any advice would be really helpful. 

  • Thank you everyone for your suggestions. They are very helpful.

  • I wonder whether a social story might be helpful to help explain to your daughter that there can be more than one right way to do things. 

  • I was thinking about this and just wanted to throw these thoughts into the mix.

    When I was a kid I would play a lot with my younger sister (1 yr 9month  younger), and we would also fight a lot too, nothing major, just arguing about how to play the games and rules and shouting (she was always stronger so I would never dare start anything like that as she would win hands down).
    One day my mum explained to me that she wasn't the same as me, she had different values ideas and things she wanted and I couldn't expect her to be me. Granted I was probably a bit older than your daughter, but this was like a eureka moment for me. I stopped having high expectations of her and we never really fought like that again.  

    I was wondering if your daughter was maybe seeing her younger sister as an extension of herself, theory of mind can be an issue with autism, and perhaps having a chat and emphasising she is seperate might help? Also, maybe force the issue that if she has a problem, she has to say it to you not your other daughter. This puts a buffer between them, so your youngest isn't having to deal with the abuse directly, lets her feel listened to but learn to deal with frustration in a healthy way, and would also help with the idea she can't control her sister.

    Anyway, just some thoughts and ideas.

  • Honestly, we autistics have a very rigid mindset. It can be an obstacle to our wellbeing, and can become toxic to others too in some cases. I don't have any advice for you, I have very little experience with kids (I already have my hands full with myself!), but maybe you just need to sit her down and talk to her about it, try to reason with her, maybe tell her that... I dunno... other people are different and can do things differently from how she does things and that's ok

  • in reply to Matt

    This is genuinely helpful. Thank you. I will try this with her straight away. 

  • Sounds like you feel desperate and you want to understand....

    My young-self was VERY straightforward and there was not 1 question I wouldn't answer. I also used to really enjoy it when someone would take an interest in me and ask me about why I thought certain ways (it rarely happened). 

    Have you tried to ask some very straight forward questions to your daughter? Something like:

    "Sweetheart, when I see that comments are being made about your sisters behaviour I feel unsatisfied and desperate because I want harmony and to UNDERSTAND. Would you be willing to come sit with me on the sofa and explain to me what your sister is doing that is making you suffer?" 

    Then you would keep asking questions until YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND CLEARLY! "Oh so you like things to be like this, oh so you prefer it when you can sit over there, oh so you like even numbers" (Whatever it is.. it will probably be quite foreign to you)

    She might prefer to go on a walk or be in a different environment if she is talking (I can't always sit still in those conversations) 

    The goal is to keep asking questions and try to understand how she sees things in her head, find out what her preferences are and learn about what she values. 

    Maybe she values "accuracy" and "order". Maybe she needs communal spaces to be tidy so she can use them without clearing other peoples mess. Maybe she needs very clear instructions. 

    If you have the courage to ask straightforward questions based on the behaviours she is showing and STAY IN THE UNDERSTANDING phase you will learn a lot about your daughter. Only once you understand these things (and help HER understand these things too!) will you be able to start finding strategies to meet her needs. 

    Also just because she likes something one way, once you UNDERSTAND you can start suggesting alternatives kindly. 

    One of my favourite buddhist authers Thich Nhat Hanh says: If you can't understand somebody you cannot love them. understanding is the pre-requisite to loving someone. 

    I am still learning to understand myself but it makes it a hell of a lot easier to love myself when I get understanding of my self and how I work. 

    May you find joy and elation in the journey of learning and understanding your daughter. May you find courage and strength to step outside your comfort zone and see your daughter with the eyes of understanding. 

    Well done for reaching out! 

    P.S professional support could be a winner for you if you struggle with this. Possibly doing the above conversation with a professional present to help you.