Stuck and terrified

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling. There's plenty of support, on here and elsewhere without needing a diagnosis. And you may seem to be managing well to other people, but only you know how hard things are for you. Before my assessment, I felt like I didn't need to be seen because I didn't know that other people didn't struggle as much as I did and I thought what if I go through it, just to be told I'm not autistic - that's what I was most scared of because otherwise I wouldn't know why I feel how I do. But there's no harm in trying, at least then if you are diagnosed, you will be able to get more help and support. And if not, you can hopefully find out what it is you do struggle with. 

Here local support groups require the official diagnosis. (I'm not in UK). I'm fine hearing that im not autistic,  but I wanna hear what's the other reason of my struggles.  I will not accept an answer just "no" without any other explanation and no support. But I have very little power to fight back. My therapist took care of my paper work, I was amazed actually because I needed to apply for funding the therapy to the health insurance and my therapist did it for me. Now he (he promised) to call the diagnostic center in our local psychiatry hospital on my behalf to ask if they would give me appointments. He also suggested I can look myself in other town but I'm so confused snd overwhelmed that I don't know what to do and how to find.

Actually one thing would be sad- if I'm not autistic,  then I should leave thus forum and I feel so good here, I don't wanna go anywhere. I know that nobody forces me to leave, but I would feel like taking space that is not meant for me. Currently I'm in "suspected" state, some call it "self diagnosis". 

Alien0n3arth said:

I'm so confused snd overwhelmed that I don't know what to do and how to find.

When I find myself feeling this way, it can help me to observe those sensations / thoughts and decide for myself that is my warning: to deliberately slow down a bit.  Making use of your diary can be a helpful way to slow down a bit; by "parking" the worry topic there - it cannot be lost or forgotten in your diary - then some other day it is still available as a prompt for you to see if you still think / feel the same way about those things.  I think about it as though it were like a postcard to myself - to revisit in a few days time.

Over some time, it feels to me as though you have quite naturally found your home here among so many forum members (for me, that is the only qualification you need to have achieved - you have already found home here).  What does / does not happen in the real World does not change that you are home here with us all.

It is good to understand and remind ourselves that the current Autism assessment process is not always a good match to the needs of all of the actually Autistic people.  Often particularly so - depending upon our biological gender / our own chosen adult identity, also sometimes our age group attending assessment, or the "fit in" / masking for safety training we have developed for ourselves - based upon our local community / culture / heritage expectations.  Not to worry about those things - but to take into account the process can maybe not be best matched to us as individuals (we each try to do our best - with the process as we find it - not perfect, but hopefully at least functional).

You always write so expressively that I definitely encourage you to try to worry much less about the lack of using your Parents as Informants.  You can divert that earlier worry energy instead towards describing your own life story and experiences to the Assessor.  That is what I did as my Parents were either highly unsuitable or unavailable as Informants (families can be complicated - but we can simplify things by ourself).  You can own your own life's story (an Assessor can understand that situation - as you are unlikely to be the first adult later in life with whom they have conducted an assessment - they will likely have assessed other adults managing this challenge of lack of suitable parental Informants.  Describe to the Assessor your life story and experiences.  Your participation time here on the forum has probably already gone quite a long way towards your draft copy / homework / focussed some of your preparation thinking about what and how to tell your story.  You have been doing the practice sessions - the Assessment is just the live performance.

If taking part in an Assessment in your own town is a barrier - I wondered if an online / virtual video call assessment is an option available to you.  In the UK, we can sometimes take up that option.  That is what I did (because I live in a rural area small village with a long journey to any city assessment centre).

I will not pretend that the navigation through the waiting for and participating in assessment process is like taking a holiday / visiting a health spa!  It can feel like it takes a lot of our energy.  Therefore, we need to look after ourselves as best we can during the assessment process.  It is sensible to be kind and patient with ourselves (...even if things are sometimes frustrating).  To find a way to pace ourselves to maintain and support our own regulation and wellbeing.  It can be good to re-connect with creative absorbing hobbies, or do something we enjoy outdoors, to eat and drink healthily and do our best to prioritise our rest and sleep.  Some things which allow our brain / body / spirit to "cool down" and re-energise.  I am not trying to put you off doing an assessment - just trying to let you know it can feel tiring - but do-able.

You can know that you will have tried to do your best - irrespective of the potential assessment feedback.

Home / safe harbour will still be available for you here.

Good luck with everything.

Alien0n3arth said:

I'm so confused snd overwhelmed that I don't know what to do and how to find.

When I find myself feeling this way, it can help me to observe those sensations / thoughts and decide for myself that is my warning: to deliberately slow down a bit.  Making use of your diary can be a helpful way to slow down a bit; by "parking" the worry topic there - it cannot be lost or forgotten in your diary - then some other day it is still available as a prompt for you to see if you still think / feel the same way about those things.  I think about it as though it were like a postcard to myself - to revisit in a few days time.

Over some time, it feels to me as though you have quite naturally found your home here among so many forum members (for me, that is the only qualification you need to have achieved - you have already found home here).  What does / does not happen in the real World does not change that you are home here with us all.

It is good to understand and remind ourselves that the current Autism assessment process is not always a good match to the needs of all of the actually Autistic people.  Often particularly so - depending upon our biological gender / our own chosen adult identity, also sometimes our age group attending assessment, or the "fit in" / masking for safety training we have developed for ourselves - based upon our local community / culture / heritage expectations.  Not to worry about those things - but to take into account the process can maybe not be best matched to us as individuals (we each try to do our best - with the process as we find it - not perfect, but hopefully at least functional).

You always write so expressively that I definitely encourage you to try to worry much less about the lack of using your Parents as Informants.  You can divert that earlier worry energy instead towards describing your own life story and experiences to the Assessor.  That is what I did as my Parents were either highly unsuitable or unavailable as Informants (families can be complicated - but we can simplify things by ourself).  You can own your own life's story (an Assessor can understand that situation - as you are unlikely to be the first adult later in life with whom they have conducted an assessment - they will likely have assessed other adults managing this challenge of lack of suitable parental Informants.  Describe to the Assessor your life story and experiences.  Your participation time here on the forum has probably already gone quite a long way towards your draft copy / homework / focussed some of your preparation thinking about what and how to tell your story.  You have been doing the practice sessions - the Assessment is just the live performance.

If taking part in an Assessment in your own town is a barrier - I wondered if an online / virtual video call assessment is an option available to you.  In the UK, we can sometimes take up that option.  That is what I did (because I live in a rural area small village with a long journey to any city assessment centre).

I will not pretend that the navigation through the waiting for and participating in assessment process is like taking a holiday / visiting a health spa!  It can feel like it takes a lot of our energy.  Therefore, we need to look after ourselves as best we can during the assessment process.  It is sensible to be kind and patient with ourselves (...even if things are sometimes frustrating).  To find a way to pace ourselves to maintain and support our own regulation and wellbeing.  It can be good to re-connect with creative absorbing hobbies, or do something we enjoy outdoors, to eat and drink healthily and do our best to prioritise our rest and sleep.  Some things which allow our brain / body / spirit to "cool down" and re-energise.  I am not trying to put you off doing an assessment - just trying to let you know it can feel tiring - but do-able.

You can know that you will have tried to do your best - irrespective of the potential assessment feedback.

Home / safe harbour will still be available for you here.

Good luck with everything.