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Suicidal ideation

NAS51082

I am diagnosed autistic and possibly ADD

I'm a really struggling with suicidal thoughts ideation all throughout the day everyday. I really really want to be dead and to end my life but somehow don't seem to be able to!! It is really distressing me as I feel it is a means to an end and I won't feel the pain of my mental health issues and my horrible traumatic nightmare of a miserable life I want to be able to work out why I can't because I really don't understand what's holding me back. 

I  am really considering making plans as I am so unwell with my life and just don't want to feel this crippling pain anymore.

I live such a miserable zero quality of a life isolated and alone struggling with the people around me and the lack of support that I need as have been failed by the people that were supposed to help me being the mental health community treatment team and have actually decided to discharge me from their services and also social services that decided to have me arrested by the police for being autistic which I find has totally destroyed the trust I have between them and now choose to never want to engage with them again.

I struggle so much with life as in the past year I have had to have my dog put to sleep due to Illness which has absolutely broken me as I feel I have lost the only thing that could help me somewhat cope with this horrible life I live as he was my emotional support helping to regulate my emotions but I did still struggle and reached out to the mental health services which offered no help and actually made me worse which affected my behaviour effecting my dog having to witness my meltdowns which has made me literally hate them so I ultimately feel I am not at all willing to engage with them as they never helped me when I needed them and belittled me and blamed me for being autistic not understand how much I am struggling.

I don't know what to do I want an answer but realistically I really want to be dead as it would end all this pain.

  • Ive had suicidal ideation for a number of years. Its only ever felt like an option, its never felt like a solution. And it will never be a solution to what you are going through. A change can come at any time and usually when its not expected, but you need to be here to experience it

  • You will get through this period honestly. What did they have you arrested for?

    why don’t you get a new dog? That will give you some focus 

  • I’m really sorry you’re carrying this much. Reading what you wrote, it makes complete sense that you feel exhausted and desperate — you’ve lost your dog, you’ve been failed by services, and you’re trying to survive in a world that clearly hasn’t accommodated your autism. That’s a huge amount for anyone.

    One thing I want to gently reflect back to you is this: the part of you that “can’t do it” isn’t a mystery defect or weakness. It’s very often a protective part of the nervous system. Even when someone desperately wants the pain to stop, there’s usually another part that still wants safety, relief, or connection — even if it feels buried or exhausted. That inner conflict is incredibly common, especially in autistic people who’ve lived through trauma.

    Losing your dog sounds absolutely devastating. Animals often provide regulation and safety in ways people never did, and that kind of loss can completely destabilise everything. It doesn’t mean you failed him — it means you were overwhelmed and unsupported.

    I’m also really sorry about how services treated you. Being discharged, blamed, or criminalised for autistic distress is not okay, and it’s understandable that your trust has been shattered.

    You don’t sound “weak” or “attention-seeking” — you sound like someone in unbearable pain who hasn’t been properly helped. You deserve support that actually understands autism and trauma.

    I know you’re exhausted, but you don’t have to decide anything today. If there’s even one small thing that has helped you regulate before — music, being outside, writing — it’s okay to lean on that just to get through the next hour.

    You’re not alone in this space. I’m really glad you spoke up here.

    I hope you relax soon.