Recieving counselling

You mentioned in a previous response that you're not sure what is taking place in the sessions / what strategies the therapist is using Cinnabar_wing 

I've had counselling a few times - as I recall it a lot of it was trying to "build me back up" with positive statements about me, getting me to be kind to myself, empathising etc.  In truth this didn't get to the root of what was causing me distress - appeared to be applying some sort of psychological band aid.

I suspect that much of this is based upon how neurotypical people might go about addressing psychological harm for neurotypical people.

To me much of the distress I experience in life comes from encounters where my differences in "executive function" as an autistic person come  into conflict with neurotypical behaviour and thinking.

There are deeper patterns that perhaps might be explored in how I have gone about trying to protect myself from this conflict.

In this one might consider how masking behaviour towards others and by necessity one has masked distress from oneself (at least superficially) as one has to cope.

I am coming around to the idea that myself and others could well have been living in "survival mode".  Mental health care terminology talks about "coping skills" - on a practical basis coping by spending all day bailing out a leaking life raft is not conducive to one's mental health I suspect.

I personally have "armoured myself" with a range of strategies to try to make myself less vulnerable in a threatening, competitive and dangerous world - regretfully this can make one less flexible to adaptation and change.

From what I can make of it strategies such as CBT first look to help the person accept their vulnerability and then "rebuild" an alternate approach to negotiating life.

I think that naturally under the circumstances post diagnosis an autistic person may already possibly be feeling intensely vulnerable - having had a defining list of deficits given to them as part of the diagnostic process.  For this reason care and understanding and tailoring the process to the individual is especially important.

I also suggest that being always on the search for understanding "why" and that so much therapy appears to be about enabling the person to work things out for themselves.  I am of the opinion that ultimately many of the why's can be traced to being autistic in a neurotypical world and therapy for that would be a more logical approach if it weren't for how resistant to therapy neurotypical people are in this respect.  

Notwithstanding this understanding how trauma can trap one in a "stuck state" along with regularly finding that it is very very difficult to live to personal moral standards in a neurotypical world that appears to play fast and loose with these and perhaps finding alternate strategies and insights how to move on and thrive are worthwhile goals.

A further complication to perhaps consider is that emotional insight involved in meaningful therapy can be compromised by alexithymia - perhaps correlated by years of ignoring how one feels because of being in "survival mode" most of the time.

And then just to throw a biggie into why therapy is hard is simply because by the time we come to get it we are often at our lowest ebb.

If many years ago someone had metaphorically put an arm around and gave us the therapy we needed closer to the time when we first experienced trauma maybe things wouldn't have turned out as they have.

Still we are where we are and we can only start there.

Best wishes Cinnabar_wing 

I realised I never got back to you Phased , I've been considering a lot of what you had said and it's been back on my mind again about whether to keep going or not with therapy. Especially as it's coming up again.

Phased said:

getting me to be kind to myself, empathising etc.  In truth this didn't get to the root of what was causing me distress

I think this feels true, and I know I just started, but I can't feel it when I'm told to give myself a 'hug' to make me feel better when I'm being hyper-vigilant.

Phased said:

I am of the opinion that ultimately many of the why's can be traced to being autistic in a neurotypical world and therapy for that would be a more logical approach

I really agree here, I'm run by logic so if I can reason out of negative behaviour it would be more effective than simply trying to feel better about it.

Phased said:

Phased said:

A further complication to perhaps consider is that emotional insight involved in meaningful therapy can be compromised by alexithymia - perhaps correlated by years of ignoring how one feels because of being in "survival mode" most of the time.

I think I am perhaps really blind to myself and as you said have been in survival mode so long and used to working out what people want and how to avoid conflict that trying to work out who I am without that is such an unknown. 

I think sometimes it feels already that one base reason she's found is being applied to everything, even though it doesn't feel like the whole story all the time. So me being bullied as a kid was for her the suggested reason for not speaking to other parents at a Halloween party (not sticking my head above the parapit), but I didn't get a chance to say it's also the fact that a loud hall and trying to get into conversation with people who are already talking is too much for me. If I could have sat on my own a minute and then start talking to one or two, then I'm fine. She is trying to help and said I need to 'find my voice' when I'm with others, but I'm struggling even to do it in therapy as it feels too much like contradicting someone who knows better.

Anyway, thanks for all the thoughts,  sometimes I think about things so much I forget to respond in the real world. I'm thinking of postponing it and maybe not going back as I think I'm difficult to help.

Cheers and take care!

I realised I never got back to you Phased , I've been considering a lot of what you had said and it's been back on my mind again about whether to keep going or not with therapy. Especially as it's coming up again.

Phased said:

getting me to be kind to myself, empathising etc.  In truth this didn't get to the root of what was causing me distress

I think this feels true, and I know I just started, but I can't feel it when I'm told to give myself a 'hug' to make me feel better when I'm being hyper-vigilant.

Phased said:

I am of the opinion that ultimately many of the why's can be traced to being autistic in a neurotypical world and therapy for that would be a more logical approach

I really agree here, I'm run by logic so if I can reason out of negative behaviour it would be more effective than simply trying to feel better about it.

Phased said:

Phased said:

A further complication to perhaps consider is that emotional insight involved in meaningful therapy can be compromised by alexithymia - perhaps correlated by years of ignoring how one feels because of being in "survival mode" most of the time.

I think I am perhaps really blind to myself and as you said have been in survival mode so long and used to working out what people want and how to avoid conflict that trying to work out who I am without that is such an unknown. 

I think sometimes it feels already that one base reason she's found is being applied to everything, even though it doesn't feel like the whole story all the time. So me being bullied as a kid was for her the suggested reason for not speaking to other parents at a Halloween party (not sticking my head above the parapit), but I didn't get a chance to say it's also the fact that a loud hall and trying to get into conversation with people who are already talking is too much for me. If I could have sat on my own a minute and then start talking to one or two, then I'm fine. She is trying to help and said I need to 'find my voice' when I'm with others, but I'm struggling even to do it in therapy as it feels too much like contradicting someone who knows better.

Anyway, thanks for all the thoughts,  sometimes I think about things so much I forget to respond in the real world. I'm thinking of postponing it and maybe not going back as I think I'm difficult to help.

Cheers and take care!