• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 7 subscribers
  • Views 238 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

What the hell happened here?

rory.doctor07

I had the worst meltdown of my life about two months ago when I was in A&E for way longer than I expected, with the worst part being that I had no idea how much longer I'd have to wait (it turned into like 7 hours, messing up all my plans and routines, which of course is nobody's fault since the NHS is under so much pressure but a meltdown cannot be reasoned with)

I'm 18 (and in this case, probably lucky that I'm a rather small female). By the fourth hour(?) I was inconsolable in one of the big toilet rooms as it was my only place for privacy - I was screaming into my hoodie (to soften the noise), kicking the walls and eventually I threw myself on the floor and kept hitting myself with all the power in my fists. By the time I got to talk to a medic, I just couldn't stop crying and I couldn't answer their questions clearly. After five or six hours, they kept telling me I'd be able to go home soon but they were wrong every time. I shut myself in another large toilet and went through it all again. I went back out, crying so so hard in front of my mum and my doctor, pleading to go home. All I could say was "I need to go home" over and over. I wasn't taking reason, I just needed to get out. I went back and forth between the two places and settled in the toilets for quite some time at one point. I turned off the light and lay down on the floor, laid my hoodie down as a makeshift soft surface, put on my headphones and watched my guilty pleasure children's animated show. It kept me calm for a while. I even fell asleep curled up on the floor for about twenty minutes at one point, but I eventually got impatient and went out to find them. They said to give it more time and that's when I snapped. I was being so damn loud if I remember correctly. I couldn't give a *** how childish I was or however people saw me. It's pretty embarrassing now, but at the time I didn't care.

At that point the doctor said I could go and sit in my mum's car instead and he'd call us when we were ok to go home. I ran out of there without a second thought, all the way to the car and as soon as she unlocked it from a distance, I flung myself in the back seat and screamed the scream I'd wanted to let out for all those hours in there. Even when my mum arrived, I kept screaming. I didn't care, I'm lucky she was so forgiving afterwards. 

It was all so weird. I felt like an actual child again - out of control anger, running away, crying in front of everyone without a shred of embarrassment, and my mum was hugging and talking to me in a way we haven't done since I was a little kid. I was trying to research whatever the hell happened but it's so unclear and I don't like what I have found tbh. I thought I'd ask personally instead. Makes things clearer. Because if this sort of thing happens again then I want to be ready.

(Side note: the tests came back fine. I'm just a massive hypochondriac)

  • I think you answered your question in the first sentence of the first paragraph of your post. What happened was that you had a meltdown.

    Why did you have that meltdown? Well, I think your description of the chain of events that took place answers that question too. Put simply, the anxiety you were feeling was so overwhelming for you that it triggered your meltdown.

    Apologies if the response I have given seems too simplistic.

    We are all different in terms of how we deal with things that cause us to feel anxious.

    In public settings (such as a hospital), I will try to mask how anxious, angry, or frustrated I may be feeling. However, sometimes the effort required to mask and not cause a scene is just too much. I have been in situations where I have been acutely aware that I'm having a meltdown that is causing me to react and respond to things in a childlike way. I can be aware that I'm attracting unwanted attention, and will feel deeply embarrassed and mortified. When I'm in that moment, I don't really care about how other people may be perceiving my behaviour, and the effect it might be having on them.

  • rory.doctor07 said:
    I was trying to research whatever the hell happened but it's so unclear

    It sounds like you had a meltdown: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns

    These are unfortunately common for some autists, especially in exceptionally high anxiety situations such as you were in.

    It takes time and some safe space to recover from this - times vary very much on the person and situation.

    We often lose a lot of our normal control in these situations and revert to a more basic, often childlike personality and this was probably why your mother was responding the way she did.

    It is great she stood by you in that situaiton and had your back - personally I would recommend thanking her for this as it must have been distressing for her too.

    To prevent it happening you will essentially have to manage your anxiety better. I would recommend learning a bit about mindfulness so you can try to understand the situation you are in better, realise what to expect (asking questions to staff helps establish this) and accept that you are likely to be there for a very long time.

    Learning a bit of meditation can also be great to lower your anxiety, especially when you have these long waiting periods where it is all to common to spiral. If you can find a way to get some space, close you eyes and work on relaxing your body then the anxiety will often lower with it. It is the technique I use when visiting the oncologist.

    There are 2 good things that came out of this.

    1 - self realisation that you can have meltdowns but you know what they are and now know how to work to reduce the chances of them happening, plus know to inform your mother on how to deal with you.

    2 - the results for your test came back and you are healthy.

    Look for the silver lining to the cloud but remember that good prevention (ie learning how to cope) is like an umbrella for when the cloud starts raining.

  • With hospitals, just expect it to take all day. 6 hrs or more. Always add hours to anything they say.

    Back in 10 minutes means at least 1 hour. You can leave this afternoon means before midnight. 

    Once you accept it will take forever and abandon any plans, it will just be boring rather than frustrating. I just close my eyes and try to zone out.

    Try not to catastrophise. Most things are minor, even though your brain thinks otherwise. Think of the least bad thing it could be.

    Think of a reward you can give yourself if you make it through.

    It is the uncertainty and lack of control that make it so hard.

    Recognise you are feeling stressed and tell yourself its ok. Giving yourself permission to be stressed can help.

  • I think that this type of behaviour is a fight or flight response to not feeling safe. Many of us on this forum will identify with your feelings, you are not alone.

    Try planning for if this happens again - pack a small bag with what you might need such as a drink, snack, book, fidget toy, etc. And tell the staff when you arrive that you are autistic and ask if there is a quiet place you can wait, or if you can wait in the car.