Ive been bullied since I was a toddler and as time has gone on I seem to have got worse with my mental health, confidence, self worth etc so I was in a bad state when I left school. Unfortunately since then I have been manipulated by “family members” and a “shop manager”. I don’t keep in touch with them anymore (thank God) but what they have said and done is still in my head and I can’t help but question myself, fall into a vicious circle of negativity and then it affects how I even take care of myself and is it even worth it.
Some examples are what I’d be told was:
If you’re happy then you’re weak
If you don’t think someone is nice looking, you actually do think they’re nice looking but you’re too jealous/envious and stubborn to admit
If you look after and care for yourself, you are masking and denying who you really are
If you’re doing something that you think makes you happy, then you’re actually not happy and your mind is tricking you
You think you are ok with the life you have but really you’re not happy because other people have easier and more luxurious lives and therefore you are deep down jealous/envious
Your parents only love you because they have to, not because they want to
Your parents have moments of madness when they say nice things and get you nice things
I could list so many things but I basically had all these things rammed in my brain and down my throat so much that now it’s all I think about and I question myself and what I like etc. I thought I enjoyed my games but do I? Am I really jealous of others? I’ve been told that these bullies are just dumping their thoughts and feelings on me and therefore what they said isn’t true about me but about them and their in denial but then I get this voice telling me that these people who are defending and trying to help me are just saying that but done mean it. It has also affected my relationship with my parents over the years and I’m still questioning do they love me and even like me? Kinda like the Simpsons episode “Bartless”.
I am on the waitlist for therapy with the NHS but I don’t know how long that will be so I was wondering if anyone has any advice or can relate somehow in anyway? Any advice will be greatly appreciated! Thank you x
