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Many things surrounding loneliness at university

viewfromthe42

I'm between years at university, and I have a job in my university city. The job suits me quite well - it's interesting work, I get on well with my colleagues, it pays me enough to live comfortably and I can walk there from my house in 25 minutes. I was very happy to be offered it and it's generally going quite well.

University has often felt like quite a lonely place, especially after someone I believed saw me as (and I could see as) a close friend made a series of choices that completely destroyed my trust in them (sorry, I know this is a very vague description... I don't really want to go into much more depth, partly because of the normal privacy precautions when posting on a public forum, and party because it triggered probably the worst period of mental health I have experienced, which I have unpacked in great detail with the assistance of others, and I really just want to move on from it now).

But now I'm here for work outside the usual term-times, the loneliness has increased another level. It often feels like all I do is get up in the morning, go to work, go home, and repeat the next day. Often the only people I speak to in a day are a few colleagues and perhaps my flatmate, or a bus driver

I desperately want to meet other people, but - and I know how stupid this sounds to some people - I have no idea how. At least, not in a way that feels safe. I think some part of me fears a repeat of my past experience - meeting people who I think I can trust, but actually suddenly and abruptly discover I can't (and then the emotional experience of processing that stretching over months and being excruciatingly painful).

Lots of advice that I've seen is along the lines of "try joining local groups for your interests", and honestly I'd quite like to, but the idea feels completely overwhelming. Where do I find these places? How do I make sure they are somewhere I will be able to fit in and where people will welcome me? What sort of groups are likely to attract people of my age, and my sort of personality, rather than people who just happen to like the same things as me but are otherwise completely different people, at completely different stages of their life? (Nothing at all against those people, by the way, it's just that I know I'll struggle to empathise with them).

More broadly... where on earth are the people like me?!? 

If anyone has helpful experiences/advice relating to this sort of situation, I will be very grateful - it's difficult to escape the sense of being completely alone in this.

  • viewfromthe42 said:
    where on earth are the people like me?!?

    After reading some of the advice below I think an option that could draw out some of the uni staff (the only ones about at this time) who are neurodivergent is to form a staff specific club around one of your special interests.

    I did something simiar when I worked in a banks head office and wanted to find other people into Dungeons & Dragons and simiar games, so I spoke to the committee that looked after staff clubs and found the process.

    The process was to detail what the club would do, who would run it (it needed 2 people) and what it needed for funding. I ended up getting £2k (this was back in the early 90s) to spend on games which remained the clubs property so I got some core rulebooks, one game to start things off and advertised on the staff bulletin.

    The club ran for the next 5 years I was there with me running games on a fairly regular basis and had 30-40 members over the duration. We got to use confernce rooms in the evenings, got any left over catering food and played a wide variety of role playing and board games.

    The overhead time wise wasn't bad. Finding people to be the games masters was a little more tricky but luckily we could bring in guests so the combined external network supplied enough people that we had a few groups who had very long game runs.

    We had all sorts of people there, male, female and trans but all has similar interests and seemed to enjoy themselves - or at least they kept coming back.

    This is just one option - if you have the capacity energy wise then it is something to consider. Be a part of the change.

  • viewfromthe42 said:
    More broadly... where on earth are the people like me?!? 

    How would someone meet you?

    If you hide they wouldn't. This is the same for the others.

    People tend not to go out much, or keep a low profile if they do.

    If it is 2% of the population, in a class of 50 you'll be the only one.

    In a university of 30,000 there would be 600, maybe more as they may be over-represented. Some will be staff, some graduates, some part time or away, but there should be a few hundred. But there are many clubs, bars, shops, gyms, places to be.

    Without organisation it is hard to find them.

    You could advertise and arrange a meeting. Whether all the people would be too shy to turn up would be the next thing, and picking a good time another. Plus people may prefer online. No one seems to want to meet face to face anymore.

    But perhaps this is a way to meet like minded people.

    At least more people are diagnosed these days and there is less stigma, so at least people know. I'd not have turned up as I wouldn't have known it was for me.

    I suppose you may get done curious people too. You could start something.

  • in reply to viewfromthe42

    Ah ok, hadn't considered that part. I'd imagine the easiest way to find what is in your area is to Google adult social groups or even courses. You may also want to have a look if there are any autism support/social groups in your area. Not something that particularly appeals to me personally but might be helpful in your situation.

  • in reply to Expecto_Patronum

    Thank you for your reply.

    Part of the problem is that because the university isn't teaching at the moment and I the vast majority of students are at home, those groups aren't running, and won't be for another 1-2 months ish until everything starts up again

    It's a good point though, and I'm certainly going to make a conscious effort to join that sort of group when they start up again.

  • Does your university have some social groups? They often have organised sports teams and activities for various interests. Do you get any support for having autism from the university? I'm wondering whether the university staff that provide disability support might be able to guide you in the direction of an appropriate group within the university?