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PDA, or Sticking to principles

TheCatWoman

I don't have PDA, although some people might of thought so at times, if one has principles and another wants you to go against them and you refuse, what then are you principaled or do you have PDA?

PDA is one of those terms I have problems with, I get that at it's severest it's diabeling, but it's a term I also hear being used about people and particularly children who are just being children. All children have to test the boundaries, especially when the first learn what a powerful word NO is, is a child who's refusing to wear socks for example exercising the word NO or do they have PDA? Refusing to do something and having a screaming fit when made to do it is a pretty normal part of growing up, as is misbehaving in teenage years, labelling someone as having PDA could mean that they're not being listened to or heard when something really is wrong. I was a school refuser, I just wouldn't go, I hated it and always did, I bunked for a couple of years at secondary school, they just couldn't get me stay in the building.

I was reading something a while ago about army prisons, when you get a sentence and a dishonourable discharge as part of it, you still have to do army things, like all the physical exercises and stuff, why do people not just say no? If they're going throw me out anyway why should I have to get up at dawn and do a run? I know my reply would have lots of FF's in it and I would not comply, what could they do to me beyond imprisoning me and giving me a discharge? Would that be PDA or the actions of someone thoroughly fed up?

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  • TheCatWoman said:
    PDA is one of those terms I have problems with

    I just remembered there is also Avoidant Personality Disorder that has similar characteristics

    from https://neurodivergentinsights.com/avoidant-personality-disorder-vs-autism/

    List of symptoms from the DSM-5

    1.  Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

    2.  Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.

    3.  Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.

    4.  Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.

    5.  Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.

    6.  Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.

    7.  Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.

    Other criteria for a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder is that it must be present since early adulthood and occur in multiple contexts (work, home, social, school, etc.).

    Life is complicated sometimes.

  • in reply to Iain

    If you've been treated as inadaquate, inept and inhibited and probably bullied for it too, why would you engage the activities that are going to cause more of the same and make it a self fulfilling prophesey?

  • in reply to TheCatWoman
    TheCatWoman said:
    If you've been treated as inadaquate, inept and inhibited and probably bullied for it too, why would you engage the activities that are going to cause more of the same and make it a self fulfilling prophese

    For many people it is down to two things as far as I can see:

    1 - they started out in a healthier relationship and it has become worse over time. A bit like the addage that if you put a frog in a pot of hot water it will jump out, but put it in cold water and slowly heat it, the frog will stay in and cook.

    2 - from the persons perspective, this is the least bad option. Being along either isn't tolerable or affordable or change aversion stops them from leaving the few comforts they have.

    These are very simplified versions but I think it carries the jist.

  • in reply to Iain

    I wasn't thinking just about individual relationships, but group interactions too, if you've been chased around school by a hunting pack of bullies and every break time is spent avoiding them and everytime you go to or leave school there they are again, how do you not internalise the feeling that there's something really wrong with your existance?

    In intimate realtionships I think things can become worse over time, behaviours that in the early days that seemed comforting and protective, later seem to be controlling and manipulative, or people just change as they get older. Its a bit daft to expect someone not to change over the course of a decade or two or even less.

    But, for myself I've started to ask myself what role I play in these abusive relationships and situations, as after all I'm the common denominator. I realised I do pick friends and lovers badly, that there are certain things that should be red flags, for example in intimate relationships one should be, 'I've never met anyone like you before', they probably haven't, but all the things they initially like about me will be things that eventually break the relationship. I tend to choose friends who are needy, I've learnt to back off from those.

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  • in reply to Iain

    I wasn't thinking just about individual relationships, but group interactions too, if you've been chased around school by a hunting pack of bullies and every break time is spent avoiding them and everytime you go to or leave school there they are again, how do you not internalise the feeling that there's something really wrong with your existance?

    In intimate realtionships I think things can become worse over time, behaviours that in the early days that seemed comforting and protective, later seem to be controlling and manipulative, or people just change as they get older. Its a bit daft to expect someone not to change over the course of a decade or two or even less.

    But, for myself I've started to ask myself what role I play in these abusive relationships and situations, as after all I'm the common denominator. I realised I do pick friends and lovers badly, that there are certain things that should be red flags, for example in intimate relationships one should be, 'I've never met anyone like you before', they probably haven't, but all the things they initially like about me will be things that eventually break the relationship. I tend to choose friends who are needy, I've learnt to back off from those.

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