(First things first, just want to warn you this might be a bit of a long one as I've got a lot to get off my chest when it comes to these topics)
So, I guess I've been wanting to talk about this for a while but never found the right time or opportunity to bring it up. But I've recently been going through a sort of stressful situation which is relevant to the topic in question and I suppose I now feel ready to talk about it. This is about my anxiety and how it's been blocking me in the job market
• MY SOCIAL ANXIETY
Ever since I was a child, I'd always been socially awkward and struggled to make friends. But then I reached high school and that's when things went slightly downhill. It began when someone whom I saw as a friend betrayed me in the most awful way back then (but I'm not ready to get into that story quite yet). Anyways, that was just the start of it, as even though I still had a few acquaintances at school who were nice, the trust I had in meeting new people was slowly diminishing.
It was only once I left school and started going to college that that was when I started experiencing social anxiety. That chapter in your life which some if not most regular people would find exciting... was really scary and overwhelming for me. Not only was I in a whole new environment but of course NEW PEOPLE. I mean, at least when you move from primary school to high school, you're bound to see at least maybe a couple of people from your year to follow you to the same high school right? But college, you'd be lucky to find at least 2 or 3 familiar faces at most in the same campus as yourself. What didn't help was my parents would sometimes tell me to not talk about certain favourite topics of mine as they said that my peers might laugh and tease me for it. Now before you judge them, I should point out that when they said these things to me it wasn't out of horrible intentions, it's just that after the horrible time I suffered the first few years of high school, they'd become a little protective of me and I guess they were worried it might happen again and they just wanted me to fit in. So, in some weird, messed up sort of way they thought they were protecting me when they were telling me what tobsay and what NOT to talk about with my peers. But unfortunately with those words, it only made me more anxious and increasingly insecure. Don't get me wrong, some people in the courses who were nice enough and treated me nicely but it never extended further than that as most of the free time I had I just kept to myself.
And from that point, my social anxiety has only just gotten worse over the years as I've gotten older. It's now gotten to the point where even the idea of having to be in a room full of strangers fills me with dread and I've lost count of the number of times I suffered a panic attack when I was sorta forced into a situation where I had to be mixed in with strangers. Scenarios like that for is the equivalent of being thrown into a lions den and they're lions stalking me, observing me to find my weaknesses, getting ready to tear me apart. I also struggle to make eye contact as it feels like if I stare too long it's like they can look into my soul. Honestly, it's like... I feel like I'm an alien from a different planet, while everyone else is human and trying to make small talk is like trying to learn a different language, it's such an awful feeling. I just don't know how normal humans find it so easy!
• Struggles securing a job
Unfortunately having social anxiety means that getting into work has been a massive struggle. Even reaching out for a volunteer job is scary because of the fact that it means I have to approach someone and talk to them first which fills me with dread. What makes it worse is when people on the outside judge and think that if you're deliberately avoiding trying to find a job then that means you're lazy and work-shy.
I want to set the record straight and say that that is not the case because there was a point where I did actually manage to get and was working a part time job which yes, some days were harder than others but I was lucky to have very understanding bosses who very patient and nice. It's just unfortunate that it was only on a temporary 6 month contract and then I had to leave and then within weeks after that was when COVID happened and that's when things more difficult. My point is I am able to get to work on tasks and things like that so am anything but work-shy. But the only reason I managed to get the job in the first place was because my former employer was someone I knew (Former teacher who taught me at college) and I never went through an actual interview process... which is where the real issue lies.
I remember the first ever job interview I ever had and it was the most awful and humiliating experience I ever had. So myself and another candidate were chosen as the final two and we were asked to come together to be interviewed at the same time which I thought was unusual. But the minute we both walked into that meeting room, I knew they had already made up their minds just by the ways the interviewer looked at us both. While they were asking the other candidate all questions and giving them a proper interview, I was barely talked to and I was only asked 2 whole questions with a look their face as I was a bad smell. Then there came the stage of the interview process where they wanted to see us both in action. Honestly it was so nerve racking as they seemed to hover over me, watching me like a Hawk, like they were waiting for me to mess up. Well, I don't to explain any further to tell you that I DIDN'T get that job. Family and loved supported by saying that it was prejudiced anyways because the company I applied to work for was a rather posh and stuck up establishment... but it still didn't make me feel better.
That experience really scarred me as I've only ever had 1 job interview since then and that was a total disaster. We only started with a couple of questions when I then got stuck on question which I didn't understand and I started panicking. It was so bad that I could actually hear my Heartbeat so loud like it was in my head, I felt a dizzy and my stomach churned that I started feeling like I was going to be physically sick. I tried to hold back all those feeling just trying to get through the interview but unfortunately that only made it worse as afterwards, I had to discreetly rush to the nearest toilet where I was almost physically sick. It was so embarrassing. I've been afraid of job interviews since and even my job coach says that it's sounds as if I'm suffering from job interview trauma. The only way I can describe the fear I have is that it feels like I'm being interrogated and like they're trying to catch me out, find my weaknesses so they can use that to destroy me.
So, that's it, that's my experience with having social anxiety and the obstacles it gives me. Once again I apologise for this being an extremely long one and I'm sorry if I've bored some of you... I guess I just thought if I talked about it here then maybe I'd feel less alone as I feel like don't have anyone else to talk about at home as my parents just don't understand what it's like to live with that fear.
Does anybody else also struggle meeting new people and making friends?
Do you suffer social anxiety too?
If so what's it like for you?
