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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

    So I think you may have edited out your plan, but just as an fyi no plan is 100%. Like you and Kate, I’ve also done my research on how to do it and I have found that practically nothing is unsurvivable. Definitely read what Kate and PinkLink wrote, then I want you to do us a favor:

    Check in with us here tomorrow.

  • in reply to profdanger

    Hello, I edited out my plan because I had a 2nd read of the rules which say  that you are not allowed to share content that may make suicide seem desirable or positive, and not to share content that might assist someone else in their attempt in any way, that kind of stuff... and I worried that providing details of my plan might violate the rules in some way and get me banned.  It seems there are a lot of places on the Internet where you're not even allowed to talk about suicide at all - once I got in trouble on Facebook because the mere use of the word suicide "violates our community standards"...  we've got to be able to talk about it,  such censorship is absolutely disgusting.

    Anyway here I am still, I'm yet to carry out any attempts - as you say, they're all not guaranteed and often very messy indeed... I can't stand blood and gore!

    My only way to cope is long walks... currently dealing with blisters and bloody achilles heels.  Just about as much gore that I can cope with!

    Many thanks for your thoughts

Reply
  • in reply to profdanger

    Hello, I edited out my plan because I had a 2nd read of the rules which say  that you are not allowed to share content that may make suicide seem desirable or positive, and not to share content that might assist someone else in their attempt in any way, that kind of stuff... and I worried that providing details of my plan might violate the rules in some way and get me banned.  It seems there are a lot of places on the Internet where you're not even allowed to talk about suicide at all - once I got in trouble on Facebook because the mere use of the word suicide "violates our community standards"...  we've got to be able to talk about it,  such censorship is absolutely disgusting.

    Anyway here I am still, I'm yet to carry out any attempts - as you say, they're all not guaranteed and often very messy indeed... I can't stand blood and gore!

    My only way to cope is long walks... currently dealing with blisters and bloody achilles heels.  Just about as much gore that I can cope with!

    Many thanks for your thoughts

Children
  • in reply to Zeb

    I find going out for walk massively helpful too. I think the thing that’s helped me most of all is learning about Buddhism (from  reading/listening to Thich Nhat Hanh (a Buddhist Zen Master). His teachings have helped me to find strategies to cope with feeling overwhelmed. Getting outside into nature is still probably the most helpful thing for me. 

  • in reply to Zeb

    Zeb, thank you for coming back here to talk with us.

    Sounds like you may need some hobbies. You’ll need another thing to look forward to if walking becomes too painful to deal with. One thing that helped me was art therapy. I am TERRIBLE at art, but there is something very cathartic about capturing your feelings with abstract colors and shapes. My therapist was really good about doing “parallel play” or doing art alongside me without guiding me on what to make. Definitely helped me.

    In addition to being an outlet you can look forward to, hobbies can also open doors to new connections. Some obvious examples are video games can open up online relationships and smaller sports like bowling and darts typically have local groups.

    At the same time though if meeting new people terrifies you (which it sounds like it), most hobbies can be enjoyed just by yourself. I write music, but I don’t push myself out there into the public sphere, I just write for myself. It has given me a reason to keep going just to find out what new sounds I’ll make in the coming days. I think that - along with support from my family - kept me from the brink the last time I had a suicidal episode.

    Keep writing on this forum. We could use more people with your experience, even if we are limited what we can say on the topic.