I had a massive meltdown and shutdown yesterday and today I'm in that withdrawal period where I want to leave every social group. I've closed down my socials on Warcraft and blocked all the people I had on my list, disbanded the guild I was running, and shut down the related Discord group. I've also told my partner that I want to be alone today and upset her. I don't even know if I want to carry on the relationship.
I feel nothing, and I know I'm going to hate myself for this when all this passes, but right now I feel that if anyone tried to reach out to me I'd push them away because I'd just do more damage if I let them in. I'm supposed to be having a therapy session tonight at 6pm but I don't know if I'll have the energy to go. I typed an email to the counsellor to say that I won't be able to make it and would transfer payment as it's within the 24hr cancellation period, but I left it in drafts. I just don't know if it's worth going because she's not ND trained and although she's good at what she does and tries to understand, I don't think she'd be able to help me and it could make things worse.
It's also really hot outside so I don't want to go out and am sat here at my laptop with a fan blowing on me and the curtains drawn. I feel very lost today.