I really dread my birthdays, as they remind me how little I have acomplished and how few people I have in my life, but this year especially feels like a milestone and I feel really down about it. Ill be spending it alone which doesn't help, my family don't really make a big deal of birthdays and just send me money. Im reminded how I have no friendships, will probably never be able to hold down a relationship or a job :( which bugs me because I'm actually pretty inteligent but I get very overwhelmed quickly and just shutdown or meltdown. Im pretty well put together in the sence that I take care of my apperence, reistance train a lot and get my hair done and wear fairly decent clothes, which makes me feel even more of a fraud because I don't look how I feel, which makes me appear even less like I need help but internally I'm screaming. I don't even know where to go for help at this point or what to say. I was diagnosed autistic two years ago, and I haven't spoken to anyone about it really. No therapy or anything. I'm unemployed and don't get any extra money as I'm not deemed 'unwell' enough I guess. I'm at a loss really. A part of me for so long has just wanted to be invisible, I deleted all social media accounts years ago, but I'm starting to realise now that pretending I don't exist probably isn't helping me. Sorry for the rant, I truly hate the pity party feeling hence I haven't ever asked for help. I guess I'm just hoping someone says that life does get better, even tho the odds are stacked against me. Thanks for reading.
