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Its my 30th birthday Monday.

Casey240

I really dread my birthdays, as they remind me how little I have acomplished and how few people I have in my life, but this year especially feels like a milestone and I feel really down about it. Ill be spending it alone which doesn't help, my family don't really make a big deal of birthdays and just send me money. Im reminded how I have no friendships, will probably never be able to hold down a relationship or a job :( which bugs me because I'm actually pretty inteligent but I get very overwhelmed quickly and just shutdown or meltdown. Im pretty well put together in the sence that I take care of my apperence, reistance train a lot and get my hair done and wear fairly decent clothes, which makes me feel even more of a fraud because I don't look how I feel, which makes me appear even less like I need help but internally I'm screaming. I don't even know where to go for help at this point or what to say. I was diagnosed autistic two years ago, and I haven't spoken to anyone about it really. No therapy or anything. I'm unemployed and don't get any extra money as I'm not deemed 'unwell' enough I guess. I'm at a loss really. A part of me for so long has just wanted to be invisible, I deleted all social media accounts years ago, but I'm starting to realise now that pretending I don't exist probably isn't helping me. Sorry for the rant, I truly hate the pity party feeling hence I haven't ever asked for help. I guess I'm just hoping someone says that life does get better, even tho the odds are stacked against me. Thanks for reading.

Parents

  • Hi Casey, Welcome to the forum. 

    I’m sorry that things aren’t going as well as you would like. I’m in my 60s and I remember my 30th birthday vividly. I dreaded leaving my 20s and felt that I didn’t have a good excuse for ‘not getting anywhere in life’ now that I would be 30. Turning 40, 50 and 60 was much easier and I’m definitely feeling better mentally now than I was back then.

    I’m wondering if there are any courses that could give you the skills you need to have more confidence and self esteem, or even do something related to your interests? I think that most universities run short leisure courses for adults in all sorts of things and you don’t need any qualifications or special skills to enrol. There may be something like a 2 hour per week, 10 week course on “Women writers of the 20th century”, or “Introduction to talking about literature”  and there could be a concession fee for people who aren’t working.

    The university where I live will be starting its summer programme after Easter. There are courses on photography, public speaking, bird watching, history, archaeology, literature, languages, geology, sculpture, painting … For the last 5 years, I have been going to one course or another, and they have enriched my life. 

    It could be worth checking out the local library if you have one, just to see if they are running anything of interest.

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thankyou for the info. I'm sure there are many things out there but I've been living under my rock and in my bubble for so long that the outside world really frightens me. My confidence is really low and while id love to start a course of some sort.. it all seems really daunting. I want the outcome, but have a huge amount of anxiety about the process. So I end up becoming quite overwhelmed and quitting. I unfortunately have quit a lot of things and I feel this has ruined my confidence in myself even more.

  • in reply to Casey240

    I’m sorry and I can understand that the prospect of doing a course feels daunting. 

    It is positive that you know some of the outcomes you want, you just have to find a way to get there, so perhaps your GP could help? 

    Some mental health services run courses on improving self esteem and controlling anxiety. I still fall back on things I learned on a self esteem course years ago. You have as much right as anyone else to be where you want to be, and to say or not say what you want - you just need a bit of expert help to show you how. Perhaps your 30th birthday present to yourself could be to make the first move? 

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  • in reply to Casey240

    I’m sorry and I can understand that the prospect of doing a course feels daunting. 

    It is positive that you know some of the outcomes you want, you just have to find a way to get there, so perhaps your GP could help? 

    Some mental health services run courses on improving self esteem and controlling anxiety. I still fall back on things I learned on a self esteem course years ago. You have as much right as anyone else to be where you want to be, and to say or not say what you want - you just need a bit of expert help to show you how. Perhaps your 30th birthday present to yourself could be to make the first move? 

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