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Its my 30th birthday Monday.

Casey240

I really dread my birthdays, as they remind me how little I have acomplished and how few people I have in my life, but this year especially feels like a milestone and I feel really down about it. Ill be spending it alone which doesn't help, my family don't really make a big deal of birthdays and just send me money. Im reminded how I have no friendships, will probably never be able to hold down a relationship or a job :( which bugs me because I'm actually pretty inteligent but I get very overwhelmed quickly and just shutdown or meltdown. Im pretty well put together in the sence that I take care of my apperence, reistance train a lot and get my hair done and wear fairly decent clothes, which makes me feel even more of a fraud because I don't look how I feel, which makes me appear even less like I need help but internally I'm screaming. I don't even know where to go for help at this point or what to say. I was diagnosed autistic two years ago, and I haven't spoken to anyone about it really. No therapy or anything. I'm unemployed and don't get any extra money as I'm not deemed 'unwell' enough I guess. I'm at a loss really. A part of me for so long has just wanted to be invisible, I deleted all social media accounts years ago, but I'm starting to realise now that pretending I don't exist probably isn't helping me. Sorry for the rant, I truly hate the pity party feeling hence I haven't ever asked for help. I guess I'm just hoping someone says that life does get better, even tho the odds are stacked against me. Thanks for reading.

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I also hated turning 30 - it's a horrible age when you're no longer young and you start to wonder what you could/ should have achieved by then. I'm in my sixties now and I'm much more content, so for me it did get better.

    I'm sorry to hear that you have no one to spend time with on your birthday. Is there anyone you know who you  could arrange to spend some time with, such as meeting for a coffee and cake? If not, perhaps you could use your birthday money on a treat such as a hairdresser appointment, get your nails done, or have a massage - something where you will be "pampered" and be able to chat with someone .

    In terms of trying to improve how you feel, think about a couple of things you would like to change in your life and then try to work out how to achieve those changes. Would you like to study or train for a career? If so, ask for information at your job centre and local colleges. Would you like to make new friends? Try to find out if there are any local groups you could join that interest you - it's easier to make conversation with somebody when you share an interest. You have also made a start on interacting with people by joining this website, so well done for taking that step and I hope you find it useful and find some friends here.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks for the welcome Slight smile

    Unfortunately I really dont have anyone in my life who I can go out for a coffee with. I've thought about treating myself to a massage but at the same time quite low on money so I figured any birthday money I do get I should use on the essentials I need.

    Id love to have a job and be able to make my own money, but I think for a long time I've downplayed how little confidence I have in myself. Its really bad. Pushing myself to make friends is very hard and I usually go out of my way to avoid any socialising anywhere. I'm always just really embarrased about my life, and I feel so much shame around it that I just know that at some point questions about my life will come up as they do in conversation and I don't want to be reminded of that feeling of shame around it, or to even have to speak any of it out loud.

  • in reply to Casey240

    I understand about not wanting to answer questions about your life - although people are only usually trying to be friendly, the questions can sometimes feel.intrusive. I don't see any family now, although I have my partner who I live with. I'm retired, but when I was working I always felt a bit like "the odd one out" in the office - I didn't talk about family members, I didn't like socialising and I had different interests to the other women such as playing video games and reading sci-fi/ fantasy novels. 

    You have no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed though. Hopefully talking with other "different" people here will help you feel less alone. Maybe you could ask your doctor for a referral for therapy if you think that might help?

  • in reply to Lotus

    This is also how I feel in regards different intrests. I get bored of surface level conversation and worry ill overshare and make the conversation akward. I definetly feel I need to go to therapy, which I have tried to do before I had a diagnosis but I didnt stick with it as my mind tends to just stop engaging with things long term

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  • in reply to Lotus

    This is also how I feel in regards different intrests. I get bored of surface level conversation and worry ill overshare and make the conversation akward. I definetly feel I need to go to therapy, which I have tried to do before I had a diagnosis but I didnt stick with it as my mind tends to just stop engaging with things long term

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