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Stress after (very positive) date

hypercolius

Hi,

I made a post here a few days ago worrying about a date, which happened yesterday. 

Despite my concerns, we spent a very positive 7 hours together, including eating at a restaraunt and just walking a lot together. She was extremely sweet and positive and seemed very relaxed (as if I'd be able to tell). One time though, I let my concerns through a little- I wrote her a lot last week in response to a ton of messages she sent me and she didn't respond. She assured me she would respond to those messages, and I tried to make it look like I was worried about something else (in reality I got really scared because my mother told me that if a girl found out about my Asperger's or my worries, she would lose interest). Another time, I nearly fainted and she expressed alarm at that. During today said she wanted to visit the Lake District with me. 

We ended up walking around a bit in the dark on purpose. Then when she was seeing me off at the station, I touched her hair and sort of stroked it past her ear. She seemed to enjoy that a lot, and, after saying she wanted to visit me where I lived, she hugged me and asked me to write her when I got home. Today, she got tickets to see me in around two weeks.

I absolutely adore this girl. When we were walking at sunset, the sunlight got into her hair and made it glow. 

So, today she got the tickets and we were texting about where I could take her, but then she wrote a really brief response. She did tell me she would be busy with coursework today, but things like that alarm me as I then immediately assume I upset or offended her somehow. 

I really don't want to lose this lovely person. And I'm really scared I will. I know I shouldn't be worried, but I really am. This date was unlike anything I ever experienced or imagined was possible with myself, and I wanted to keep it that way. 

  • Thank you for your reassurance. 

    I don't even understand what I got scared by- that 'brief response' which alarmed me was still very positive and sweet. We were discussing what to do after she told me she got tickets and offered an arrival time. 

    I don't know why I don't trust her as much as I want to. She's such a lovely, nice person, I just want to be able to trust her completely. It will be next week so what I'm really afraid of is that she won't communicate to me at all during this time (even when she promised to reply to those past messages and was just so sweet on Saturday). 

    I'm also seeing her next week for a second time- she wants to travel over 200km to listen to me present and support me, instead of doing what she had to do that day. 

    Saturday was wonderful, and I adore her, and I'm just scared of messing it up. I've been in agony for 8 years when everyone seemed to take issue with absolutely anything I do. And now, when it's working out for the first time in my life, with the most amazing person I've ever met in my life, I just don't want to lose it. 

  • Dear hypercolius

    Lovely to hear from you again. I am glad to hear you had such a positive and sweet experience during your date.

    From reading your post and everyone’s replies, it sounds as if things are going really well so far.

    However, if you are still concerned about your future together, you want to visit our following pages:

    NAS Family Relationships – a guide for partners of autistic people – this guide has information that might help partners understand intimate relationships, dating and advice on how they can deal with their anxieties.

    Valentines Day with Ramona Jones – in her insightful blog post, autistic author and social media personality Ramona Jones reflects on her recent autism diagnosis, the ‘messy world of relationships’ and her 15-year relationship with her partner, from their meet cute, to their wedding.

    I thought I would share Ramona's blog post, as it might bring all of us hope to learn that we can all manage our anxieties and enjoy the happiest relationships with the ones we adore, whatever we may identify with.

    Congratulations again on your lovely date, and I hope you make more glowing memories with her in the future.

    Kind regards,

    Good_Vibes365

  • Well done, so good to read such a positive experience! You had a great time so naturally your anxious autistic brain will try to over think it. When those thoughts creep in remind yourself of the positives, don't let the negative thoughts ruin this for you. Such a great achievement I'm pleased for you.

  • Glad to hear you had such a lovely time. As Iain advised, don't over think it. If your mind starts worrying, try to think back to the nice memories you have of being with her. Hope you have a great time again when you next see her.

  • Glad things went well. Some really good advice from Iain below. It is hard and when I think back to my early days I would have reacted and the felt the same way you are. When I was first dating, I was amazed anybody had even taken an interest and was very worried that it would all go wrong. 

  • Congrats on the successful first date.

    hypercolius said:
    then she wrote a really brief response. She did tell me she would be busy with coursework today, but things like that alarm me as I then immediately assume I upset or offended her somehow. 

    She gave you an explanation so there is no cause for alarm. Don't overthink it.

    Try to let the relationship develop without focussing on every detail otherwise you will smother it. Try to be more of a passanger, enjoy the good stuff and deal with the questions as and when they arise, not before.

    Your anxiety i also likely to snowball if you cannot find ways to cool it down and this will sour the mood too easily - I would suggest getting help with our anxiety and overthinking as it can easily spill over into obsession.

    Do you have a therapist you can speak with? You will need someone who understand autistic anxiety as it does not responde well to most neurotypcal approaches from what I have seen.

    Things look good so far - it is early days and she seems quite accepting. You acknowledge you are worried so I suggest learning to be the best you that you can be and getting your anxiety under control seems the logical first step to me.