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Jealous Autistic Daughter

jh_333

Hi,New to this community. I’ve always to deal with things myself, but really struggling to find any solution or advice for the situation I’m in.
My daughter is 11 and received an autism diagnosis earlier this year - this was after many years of trying to have her assessed. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 10 and have a 16 year old boy (no autistic traits) and our 11 year old girl. 
For the last 18 months, she displays extreme reactions to any suggestion of my wife and I being happy together. She hates us touching each other (hand holding, even rubbing a shoulder), sitting or being next to each other - even walking down the street. We have never been over affectionate in front of her and public displays of affection have never been something we’ve done. 
Her reaction can and often does includes shouting, screaming, crying and she can sometimes be physically aggressive towards us. We’ve tried talking about it, tried different strategies to deal with it and have brought in professionals in school (school nurse/educational psychologist) but are no further forward. Is anyone or has anyone had any similar experiences that they’d be happy to talk about, or any ideas of anything we can do to try and move past this?
It’s having such a massive impact on our lives, our sons life and I’m honestly at a loss as to what to do - I do worry that this is just our lives now. Although we’re happy together, I’m worried the only solution is that if this carries on, at some point we’ll go our separate ways in the interests of our own individual sanity and happiness. 
Just to know that someone has been through something similar would help to show me that I’m not alone, because at the moment, it feels a pretty lonely place. 
Cheers 

  • Thanks very much for the replies. It is very much appreciated. I’ll have a look at those links you sent across Anna. Thanks for the suggestion you sent across as well Pixiefox. We’ll give that a go this week. I’m planning on sitting down with her this week and maybe writing down her thoughts and feelings, as she finds it difficult to verbally express how she’s feeling. Thanks as well for your message of support Emmalephant. Really appreciate you all taking the time to reply.
    We had a particularly bad day the other day when I posted, but your messages really helped me move past how I was feeling then. I guess we’ll just have to keep working on it. There’s no other option - and I really don't want it to be at the detriment to our marriage.  
    We’re going to have a look at some form of therapy for her and see how we get in with that as well. 
    Thanks again and happy new year to you all. Pray 

  • Hi jh, sorry to hear you are going through this.

    I don't have experience of this situation, and hopefully the links that Anna posted will help, but I do have one suggestion. Perhaps you could try setting a time each evening when your daughter goes to her room and does homework and enjoys her hobbies or interests, giving you two time to relax and be affectionate with each other. If you arrange this period of time to end when she normally goes to bed, and ensure that she has a drink in her room (and also a snack if she's used to having one in the evening) then she will have no reason to come downstairs and bother you. In return, if you go out somewhere with her, one of you can walk with her instead of walking with each other, to make her feel wanted and special.

    Please remember that your relationship with your spouse is precious, and if you go your separate ways now, when your kids have left home you'll probably regret it. Don't let this break you up. Tell your daughter simply, calmly and firmly what is going to happen and stick to it. Tell her that if she refuses to allow you two time to be alone, she will have to put up with seeing you being affectionate - but if she accepts the new schedule, she will not have to witness it and you will spend quality time focussed on her at weekends.

    Please remember that I'm not a qualified professional, it's up to you to decide how you manage this - it's just my view. But I hope you find a way through this, and it will eventually pass. Take care.

  • Dear jh_333,

    Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. We have a number of pages detailed various advice and guidance. May I direct you to the pages on after diagnosis. Please find the link here:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis

    Also to our page on behaviour, please find the link here:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour

    I hope you find some useful advice there. 

    Best wishes, 

    Anna MOD

  • I do not have experience with this kind of situations and therefore am unfortunately unable to give advice.

    I still wanted to tell you that it is great how much effort you’re putting in. I’m sorry I can’t provide more comfort or validation or advice. I really hope you’ll sort it out.

    Best wishes!