He's someone else with his family (his dad) and someone else with me, what to do?

Table1 said:

As he has recognized, finally, that he has an issue with anxiety and can take med,

I believe anxiety meds are not an effective solution for most autists - ADHD and Bipolar are related conditions that do respond to medication however. Is he being treated for any of these?

My opinion is that it is worth speaking with a doctor who has a solid understanding of autism and anxiety and assess whether medication if the right option in his situation as it may make things worse.

Table1 said:

I am unsure how to relate to him when we're with his dad.

I would relate to him as normal. Why do you need to behave differently towards him just because he is responding in one way to another person? Consistency from you would seem logical to me.

I suspect he has a different mask he uses when around his dad and if it works for him then accept it but be your normal self.

Table1 said:

For one thing I just want him to be himself like he's with me. The other thing is I am unsure how I am suppose to be, how to be supportive.

Tell him this. Ask him how he wants you to be - I suspect the answer is the same as always.

As for being supportive my advice would be to educate yourself about autism and dig a bit deeper on the issues that affect you or him then you can educate him a bit, especially on tips and tricks to make life easier and more fun.

A starting point would be:

Understanding Autism For Dummies - Stephen Shore, Linda G. Rastelli, Temple Grandin (2006)
ISBN 0764525476

If he is reluctant to get assessed then that is valid - he may not feel it is worth it or may have a stigma attached for him so I wouldn't push. Maybe be open about your own journey of discovery and he may feel it worth following.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for writing to me. 

No, he ain't being treated for any of those. He does not have anxiety all the time, it's a trigger-anxiety-thing, I suppose, that I can tell and when he's not like that he comes off as grounded and you wouldn't have guessed. One thing that triggers it is when I am for instance away., lets say on a trip. His dad has always as far as I've known him been much on the phone, calling, increasingly if you're away. When his wife (my husband's mom) goes with me to do something it is as if this is a trigger too (despite knowing where we're going and about how long we will be there). There are younger generations in the family, relatives, that we've been told behave the same way when mom or dad goes away, increased compared to other children. I suppose my way is black and white, my family reacted to that I did not react if any of them were going away when I was a child, with me being sad. I was more "OK". I still am, so I stood out that way compared to other children. It's one thing if you know someone is in danger, but if you know all is well, then you know you're going to see them again. I felt safe in my environment with or without them. When you're home again it's as if then everything is how it should be and they're all their normal selves and you wouldn't have guessed.

He's been through a lot as of lately and it is as if that triggers the old stuff he's been through in the past with me when I got sick (which is so not the case today, I'm well). He says that is one of his greatest fears that he will loose me or that something will happen to me. He kind of got that way when our relationship got serious  as well, once upon a time, but he only said very little of it so I did not know it was such a big thing.

In one way he says he knows he can trust me that I would never do anything dumb (being unfaithful), or narrow down the possibility of something happening to me, but in another it's as if he needs to "just know" and then he'll fine but I don't want to feel as if I am put under his loop. To me it's very simple: Either you trust me or you don't. Either you know I'm fine or don't, but with him it is as if he jumps in between and it has aggravated me because to me it's nonsense, it's not part of my reality, it's invasive. When he got jealous he could turn up at my job out of the blue and even if he tried to make it look like that was normal I could tell it wasn't. When it was bad he has followed me as well, letting me know about it later when he felt better, felt relief and I suppose was thinking his jealousy was over with. Turns out I have been put under his loop for a very long time without knowing I was and so during this time he has had his ways to "check up on me" to see my whereabouts and what I do, etc, and for most part this "check up" has resulted in relief or a sense of control (while I know nothing, he figured I suppose if I knew nothing then I wouldn't suffer or react on it), the other part is when he has then revealed to me what he knows and then he comes off as if I've crossed a boundary and he needs to tell me, but when we've talked it through it turns out I haven't and he's good with that. He has then of course revealed how he knows this and so then it's obvious he's been up to his "check up"s again, the second time he did this, letting me know, it was years from when he first let me know, and I thought that was all over with, of course. I did not think it was going to be a rerun. That's when the old feelings came back to me. When I was very young I was for a period of time (before I got out) in a bad relationship and this guy's crazy ways, very jealous over nothing, had this cycle in the relationship. When he was in the cycle for the second time I was out and stayed out but he wouldn't accept that for long so all kinds of crazy things started to happen to the point that I don't know what effected me the most, the bad times in the relationship, or the bad things that went down when I was trying to get back to a normal life and have no contact. So when I feel someone keeps an eye on me, "checks" on me, behind my back as well as interrogating me, what it now may be about, I get reminded what I've been through. I know he's not that guy, my ex. I know he don't have his cycles, but in my rational mind I get effected by it as the ex would too be so irrational with the jealousy and it was like a never ending thing there as well. Just when I thought we talked it through. Always when I was relaxing thinking we were good. Been told You must have done something, by someone who had no idea. I know now it was when his feelings for me got stronger and he was suppose to feel more safe that his fears got hold of him and that was when he got that way with me. I had not broken my ex trust. I had not done it to my husband. Had I done something I would get it. I would get why I would be put under the loop, I would have welcomed it as a solution to how to rebuilt the trust, but as I haven't I don't welcome any of it. So as a result from that he felt I had become very secretively and that only then made him more suspicious or giving him the so called proof his sick jealousy needed. He told me once that if I had nothing to hide then what was the problem. I said the feeling is the problem. The feeling that you don't trust me all the time and that you can misinterpret anything and I don't know what craziness can come out of something I'm doing that is completely innocent. He has said I could do it to him, he would be fine with that, but I say you need to respect that we are different. We have different boundaries. I don't like the feeling of being watched. I'm not OK with that. His dad been jealous of his mom as well and I think all this got to be normal to him and boundaries to him too as well growing up has been different than mine have been. I never check on him or anything. I trust him. I trust my own instincts if they were to alarm me he's into someone else or what ever and they haven't so I'm good with all that, but it also I suppose take me oceans away from what he has been going through with the irrational jealousy. He then feels bad afterwards, and I offered, thought we could go into counseling then, but he said this was his problem and he was going to get help and get rid of it and we could just go back to living like normal. I have understood his jealousy and the "check ups" then also scares him to know that could make our good relationship (because it is a very good relationship normally) into a bad one. Give me reasons to leave. 

I suppose my own insecurity is that when someone is changing, not who they use to be, around me, I get insecure because to me Who is this? What's happening?

With the ex I tip toed or tried to hide behind a mask, and I swore to God after I got out of that that was it for me. I still did not know I had autism but I swore not to pretend. For survival I had to try to read him off just right in order to know how I would behave to not wake the monster, exhausting. I had given up too much of myself for something that would never be mine, our relationship was an illusion and so was our future: The reality was grim. To the outside I was just young and perhaps it was expected a break up and that was not the end of the world, "how young people go". 

I have taken your advice and been merely myself when we now spend time with his dad. It's been totally fine. 

I have too talked to my husband and he tells me too to just be myself. 

Before we spend time with his dad I didn't tell him but recognized that he did after a period of time had passed get back to his normal self, how he normally is, kissed me on the cheek, talked some, was present in his normal self. I think the way his dad is that he is adapting himself as well as guarding himself with him and so that takes energy from him so when he is into that he focuses on that, being in that role, and not so much with me, he can't do it simultaneously, he has to shift. 

I've noticed  what I guessed was OCD when he and his mom get stressed out and said nothing, but one time I did tell him "Stop", and then it was like he was not even aware he was doing it, him figuring he was masking it, he's got like few things he does that I know when he does them why he does them and to others this could look normal, but it is the time that goes by while he's doing it that first alerted me, and too if let's say I then gently put myself in the way I can tell he does not wish to tell me but he sort of tries to get back to it. It takes some time before he snaps out of it. After we've spend time with his dad I can tell it takes some time too before he snaps out of it, "his old coat", before it comes off completely and he takes on his other coat, the one he's in when the focus is on us. 

I don't really react ont his normally with other people, but it is a difference so clear to me when his dad is in the picture. 

Thank you again for the great advice, I will get that book!

Table1 said:

Either you trust me or you don't. Either you know I'm fine or don't, but with him it is as if he jumps in between and it has aggravated me because to me it's nonsense,

Based on my conversations with my therapist on a similar issue I belive that calling this nonsense is unhelpful and belitteling to your husband. It clearly is a big issue for him and there will be reasons for it, probably based in his life before you where he developed a fear of loss of a partner.

It could also be a learned response from observing his parents relationship as this seems to mirror some of his fathers patterns of behaviour - it is quite common for autists with poor emotional connection to adopt these unfortunately.

His father sounds like a very influential figure in his development which probably explains why he masks differenty around him and finds it hard to switch this off after he leaves. It could be an imprinting of behaviour - just a guess.

I note you don't express worry about his infidelity. This could be seen as not caring as much and there is a term my therapist uses that the person in a relationship who "cares" less hold the power. In your situation it sounds like you "care" less relative to your partner as he is the one with all the worries about you staying so he probably feels disempowered and it leads to some of the unhealthy acting out.

This is just  the opinion of some random off the internet so please don't take it personally, I'm just trying to offer a partially educated opinion of what could be happening.

I think he would benefit a lot from speaking with a therapist and covering this amongst other issues to help him process it and possibly manage it much better. Once he feels he has a better understanding of the issues and has hopefully made some progress then a couples therapist would be a good idea in my opinion to help you do a health check on the relationship and start setting some of the expectations, boundaries and - importantly - appreciation for one anothers good aspects.

The situation is more complex than we can convey in a chat and you need a professional to guide him through his own analysis for it to be effective, but I would suggest couples therapy (possibly even use his own therapist for this as they will know what solutions are likely to work for him) as there will inevitably be work to be done for both of you to rebuild the healthy relationship you both deserve.

Table1 said:

I will try to convince him once more that when he's ready we should go into counseling. 

That would be ideal if he would agree. Good luck with it.

I had a thought about his jealousy and trust issues - these often related to childhood trauma issues which, if he is autistic, are pretty common.

You may have some success if you can persuade him to get some therapy for his autism and once underway suggest he speaks to the therapist about how he has trust issues with you.

This way you are not saying his issues are baseless, irrational or stupid so he may be more inclined to talk about why he is untrusting and the therapist should be able to talk him through identifying if it is rational or not.

Table1 said:

I think we probably both have found our ways to be socially and they clash. We clash.

A relationship is about compromise and if you are starting to harden your positions when they are damaging like this then it is a clear sign that both of you need to get a relationship checkup with a therapist who understands the elephant in the room of neurodiversity.

The experience can be very rewarding although it comes with its own pain as you need to explain the hurt you feel to the other person while they have to listen - this can be challenging for autists who do not have a good connection to their emotions.

Good luck with your endeavours.

Table1 said:

I will try to convince him once more that when he's ready we should go into counseling. 

That would be ideal if he would agree. Good luck with it.

I had a thought about his jealousy and trust issues - these often related to childhood trauma issues which, if he is autistic, are pretty common.

You may have some success if you can persuade him to get some therapy for his autism and once underway suggest he speaks to the therapist about how he has trust issues with you.

This way you are not saying his issues are baseless, irrational or stupid so he may be more inclined to talk about why he is untrusting and the therapist should be able to talk him through identifying if it is rational or not.

Table1 said:

I think we probably both have found our ways to be socially and they clash. We clash.

A relationship is about compromise and if you are starting to harden your positions when they are damaging like this then it is a clear sign that both of you need to get a relationship checkup with a therapist who understands the elephant in the room of neurodiversity.

The experience can be very rewarding although it comes with its own pain as you need to explain the hurt you feel to the other person while they have to listen - this can be challenging for autists who do not have a good connection to their emotions.

Good luck with your endeavours.