He's someone else with his family (his dad) and someone else with me, what to do?

Just an update if anyone cares, LOL, thank you again all of you who have taken the time to answer and give advice. I am so sorry I write way too much when I'm dealing with something. 

We have sorted things out. I know now why he is the way he is and what ever is going on.

I have chosen to take the back seat, stay in the background and be like a visitor when we're with his dad.   

I get now too that I got nervous (anxiety) as I lost my connection with my husband when I think he's so different than how I am used to and he's said he was not aware he was doing that as much but just kind of gets into that old role of his and he's been seeing things differently than before simultaneously so he's going through that but he has a way of going through stuff alone. 

He has a way of shutting himself off. 

He wouldn't communicate to me before. He would just be. That stuff makes me nervous because I have no idea then what is going on. But then I don't want to push. 

He says too that things are a lot easier at times when I am around when we're with his dad and that he knows his dad and claims that his dad feels the same way and neither of them will get into something if I'm or we are there as well.  

Thank you ever so,
I have tried to look back how it was for me when I was mentally unwell and despite my anxiety acting out differently or me not behaving like he does I know what we share in common is that super sensitivity. Bad things that has happened in the past that I before thought I was OK with and had dealt with returned to me. Suddenly they were way worse than they had been when I was well. I guess he's going through that each time he's not in a good place. He has to go through it the right way and I have to be part of that, doing my bit, us doing ours, before it's finally done with. I'm ready when ever he is. I've told him that now so many times I l have lost count. But he always starts something and then he drops it because he thinks he's fine or we're fine. It's like when we have to talk about something sensitive, he says few words, then he goes out the room and then he comes back pretending as all is how it should be, or just want to be friendly, make sure we are, and he can do this a lot, which means it takes time before it's settled and then I am the way I am and because of that it takes time too. I know he's afraid to loose it so I am confident that he will know when he's about to and that is when he leaves (and I always let him leave, I know he'll be back, he needs to be alone, I always still feel that he hasn't left me, I know he's thinking about the issue as much as I am). 

He reminds me of my brother (who too has autism, on the spectrum) in some ways.
That could be why I react the way I do when we're with his dad because partly it is this "guy-thing", my brother was effected by as well, (keeping things to himself, too much an introvert, still talking but not talking about what mattered, not with his friends, males, us something, was very wrong), I'm sure as it was with me he had no language for it, you just feel bad and not knowing why, the feelings paralyze you, but he got more and more that way. He was changing. 
Partly I can tell he's not OK the way my brother was not OK (before it got really bad), and first time my brother was like that I felt helpless and it really was as if everyone else around us missed the signs. But it was like they never knew him the way I did. 

Last I am afraid that he will be influenced in ways I don't want him influenced by his dad.
I don't want him to be jealous of me the way his dad is of his wife and as soon as we move or some small change is made they're on the alert.

I know I do this thing that I can think about wanting to do something only I don't tell anyone of my thoughts and then plans and then I go ahead and do it and it's all news to my husband then, to someone else I think they would just say OK that's fine, but he hasn't been "warned", this is going to happen, and I'm doing it, I'm not asking, I'm already on my way, and when I am it's difficult, if not impossible, to stop me. 

I have thought about why I do that and I think when I was a child I did not want anyone to stop me? But I'm someone who can exist in my own head and I simply have not thought about me having to tell anyone, like I'm on my own train, driving it, but forgetting there are passengers or they are waiting on "my train" and they don't know what's happening, and it does effect them. I've got to change that about me. He's done that too, presenting me with facts, and I too have at times reacted. I suspect he would be in a lot more trouble had he been with a woman who is not autistic (as I can in a way relate more). 

Been thinking before it was about him not being mature enough and that he would become so with age and being in the marriage with me and becoming a dad, but I think in a way we both were younger than our age, and where I know other people questioned why he was doing some things and seeing that as signs as if he simply was not mature, or raised differently, I knew for a fact he loved us very much and was very devoted to us. I was most likely more patient, but not even being aware I was that because in a way I was like him and in another I knew he did not mean it like that, the way I suppose NT close to us saw it as. I understood we would get the hang of it if people just butt out. I knew marriage was sacred to him and family and so I knew our place. He would get too obsessed about something when I simply finally had to put my foot down and at first he was fighting about it til he then understood he couldn't do that as much as before, it just didn't work with the life we lead now. Then as if he got scared he began doing too little of it and still asking if that was OK or not, as he was then afraid I would leave him. 

I don't want him to measure his own value by what his dad consider is man enough, as honestly all those "man enough" measurements are not, I believe, mentally healthy for any man.

I understand that his dad grew up under different circumstances and it has had it's impact. I know where he comes from were a lot tougher. I don't think I can even relate. 

I've told him they're superficial, the "man enough" stuff, they don't matter.
When I first started dating him he would tell me at one point that he felt crappy about something and I know some else told me to basically not date him because of it, but I didn't care, and I believed it would all work out, and it did.

 I would tell him what he felt crappy about that it was only circumstances and that can change anytime in life. I knew already then who he was and I couldn't care less.

As we went forward I could tell how he struggled, humbled, not saying anything about it, but really wanted to solve it.

He was more concerned with what my family and friends would think if he didn't solve it, and I didn't. I just felt if they don't love him because of this, because of a stupid circumstance, then they're the stupid ones. I thought But I'm the one who's gonna have him, what do I care what someone else think? They're not gonna have him. I am, if he wants me, that is. They can then mind their own business. (I too thought he don't know my family and friends, they would not act that way).

But with him it was as if he was surprised that my attitude was the way it was, that I never asked of anyone's approval of anything. To me that is just insane, is someone else going to decide what relationship I chose to be in or not? I don't take that kind of liberty towards anyone. To me it's as if a lot of people play that game and I never understood that. If he's civil or good to you than don't be mean to him. He already felt crappy as it was. 

Overall it's as if he always had had more concerns.
The way I see it father- and son's jealousy, them being worried, them trying to prevent something, anything, comes from a place of mistrust not only of the world, seeing it as more dangerous than I do, the people in it, us, but themselves, their own value, their own ability. They can act sure, but they can't be. Contagious. Influencing each other. It's that spiral downwards. I've felt powerless against it, just watching him, being that different, around his dad (or with the family when dad's around, his dad has that kind of presence). 

I've tried to explain to him that when he discovered that other guys were flirting with me that that too was in itself a different type of setting, circumstance, I happened to be in, I sure was not there for that reason, I was working, it was not as if on my spare time I would chose that.. I just happened to be somewhere where they began acting that way in a big way and it sure surprised me. I know for sure that if I am moving in with a different crowd, different people will be different towards you. This was a new kind of game and I was insecure and thought I was doing the right thing on my own behavior, acting right. He has said that he has never seen me flirt, but that I am nice, so he knows, he knows, I wouldn't do that. And these guys they found out about that too. They did not continue doing it. I'm sure I was not the only one they were flirting with, they were on a mission of their own. (I honestly think they would not dare to flirt with someone very beautiful and with a different attitude, I was not nor am I looking like that or acting). I've said I could have been the same way towards him as I too found him as much as attractive the way he felt about me. 

He will say stuff like if he looses me he will never find someone like me again, that he can't stand the thought of it, and that where he is now, what he's in, that kind of mess, that is the worst thing he can think of will happen, like that bad thing has happened, and that's bad, but if that too happens (if he looses me) then it's over, that he can't stand that, he won't survive that, or is afraid of those type of feelings, so that is where we now think it's coming from, the source, why he's starting acting this way now, "I can't loose you too". I can see now the warning signs he's expressed along the way before we got to this point after the bad stuff happened, that he's been afraid of that. I didn't get it then. Not why he was apologizing "I'm sorry I have to do this thing". Of course he did. I understood that. It had nothing to do with us. It's life. But he saw it as threats. 

He thinks I'm that rare (I think we make such a good fit is partly because he too is autistic, so we get one another, and he says he felt early on he could be himself and he loved that). I've asked him if he can imagine himself being with someone else and if he would trust her more than he does me, considering this is a problem he's having with me, and he says he would trust her less and that it wouldn't work.  But naturally he says things. One moment he says he does trust me, he knows I wouldn't cheat, but at the same time what he's up to shows he does not trust me all the way and he needs to honest with me why that is and how I can prevent it again. Some sort of trust has been broken. The past has too scarred us with me getting the way I got but even back then I wasn't cheating. 

He said he thought about it a lot when I was unwell because he felt I was not present and he felt he did not know from one day to the next if I was still in it (the relationship). He said he felt as if we were living under the same roof, but I was disconnected.

Then he felt hope, glimpses of me returning, to then retreating again to where ever I was (inside).

There were times when we would get into a fight and he said it was as if he was watching himself say and do things simultaneously that he knew was making things worse, but he said the thing was he wanted me closer to him, but he was going about it all the wrong ways.

At the time I understood that this was his past, experiences, how he had been taught too to be in fights (verbal ones), and that me behaving the way I did (as I was unwell, disconnected) I suspected had to do with his past too but I was responsible for my part but I was sick. Afterwards I have been told things, Do you remember that? Do you remember this? I don't remember. I have no clue. I'm just happy nothing bad happened. 

I think that with us he's got some % that it's because of his past, and then I do something wrong (without understanding I am, all the time) and am responsible for my % so then the past + me that gets to be "double trouble", in his head. I've tried to fix my part, all kinds of ways, at the same time I am effected by it because it too remind me of my jealous ex, as I don't want to get neurotic about what could cause jealousy or mistrust or not, as the slightest thing could and did, and then I tried everything I could to try to prevent that kind of reaction and I just gave up my rights and myself. I've never been that unhappy in my life.

With my husband's jealousy I am reminded by these old feelings I used to have and trying to prevent the same way, in fear that it could cause a reaction. I promised myself I would never allow myself to be in a relationship where I had to feel that, again, and become that woman again.

When I later got out of it and was back in my old shoes I could not recognize how I could have allowed myself to get to that place. I wanted no part of "her". It was as if I had gone under some black magic, become someone else during the relationship with the ex, and that I woke up from this bad dream. The ex did not get that I had woken up and he had lost all his black magic (really mental games, manipulation, his power over me and my own, fears).

At the time I knew I had to deal with myself, the fear I felt. I knew for a fact I did not love him and what ever he was saying he did not love me.
I do think behind his sure self he was deeply insecure. Sadly I think my husband is insecure too, not as much. 

I know he's a different guy than my ex, there are no cycles, not that kind of sickness there, but it's still this need to know everything, everywhere before it happens, when it happens.

With the ex I was terrified to smile or say thank you to a waiter (male) as I didn't know. He was cruel to me in ways that my husband never been. I did not tell anyone because you feel confused, ashamed, I could not sort out my feelings or thoughts. 

I don't know if it goes for all autistic males, but the ones I know they have to me this unique kindness to them, it's in their very bones.

They would not say so themselves, of course, but I can say it of them. 

I think my husband is the first guy I've met that's autistic (romantic kind of relationship), the others I haven't been in any romantic relationship with, but I can still say for sure they all have it, that same unique quality of kindness.  My brother sure has it. They wouldn't be able to get that way (the way my ex was). For what it's worth. 

Table1 said:

I will try to convince him once more that when he's ready we should go into counseling. 

That would be ideal if he would agree. Good luck with it.

I had a thought about his jealousy and trust issues - these often related to childhood trauma issues which, if he is autistic, are pretty common.

You may have some success if you can persuade him to get some therapy for his autism and once underway suggest he speaks to the therapist about how he has trust issues with you.

This way you are not saying his issues are baseless, irrational or stupid so he may be more inclined to talk about why he is untrusting and the therapist should be able to talk him through identifying if it is rational or not.

Table1 said:

I think we probably both have found our ways to be socially and they clash. We clash.

A relationship is about compromise and if you are starting to harden your positions when they are damaging like this then it is a clear sign that both of you need to get a relationship checkup with a therapist who understands the elephant in the room of neurodiversity.

The experience can be very rewarding although it comes with its own pain as you need to explain the hurt you feel to the other person while they have to listen - this can be challenging for autists who do not have a good connection to their emotions.

Good luck with your endeavours.

Yes my dear it seems like you are in a very messy and sensitive position and yes you do love your husband and wish him all the best. Here are a few thoughts:

Talk to him when it feels right: Perhaps you could choose a moment when you aren’t irritated and everyone you meet is not in a bad mood to cautiously explain to the person how you felt. Remind him of the fact that you want the old him back and question him how it feels to be with his dad. Each of you might get some information about what is going on.

Focus on understanding his experience: That could be true, but it seems like him and his dad had many problems that could shape his behavior now. It could be exploring that with a therapist, but if he’s willing to just talk about it, you might be able to listen.

Be kind to yourself: It is perfectly alright to lack ideas about how to support him and this could be as a result of battling your own difficulties. At least being there and letting people know you are thinking about them is probably more helpful than people realize.

Ask what support looks like for him: That is the thing you do not have to be an oracle, know all of it. Permission to question as in, ‘What is there that I can do to make it easier for you when we’re with your dad? Or what would be better in your comfort?”

I appreciate your words very much.

I've read through them a couple of times by now.

I'm sure some parts though have not sunk in just yet and you will most likely discover what parts (while I can't as of now) .

In my defense when he first got jealous about something I felt awful, quilt and what not, without understanding why I should feel that, what I had done wrong. Confused. I felt the same awful way when my ex got jealous the first time. I always took the blame thinking I had failed in making them feel loved because why were they jealous of me when I was not jealous of them? 

I've learned later it has to do with what they've been through and having all their needs (not) met when young, while that period in my life (my first couple of years) were good, all my needs were met. 

Had nobody else in my family or among relatives been autistic as I am I am sure that not all my needs would have been met.

While I have understood others having been feeling like an outsider in their own family I felt like an insider.

My earliest memories are all about me feeling loved and safe and understood.

If I could not get something from one parent I could get it from the other or someone else. I did not go through what I have understood some people on the spectrum having. 

What ever happened to rock my boat after a couple of years in this life could not remove the very foundation I stood on that had been built earlier. 

I got the privilege to feel loved for who I was, not if I did right or wrong, not over any achievements. 

When he got jealous like that (my husband) I felt there must have been some kind of misunderstanding.

He looked at me first of all as if I should be ashamed of myself and I did not know what to think of his silence and then when he finally spoke his tone of voice was different. I was at first terrified of loosing him. Couldn't speak. Teary eyed. Wanting to prove to him I had no intention of making him jealous.This was such a long time ago, but I can remember it as if it was yesterday.

He was telling me to be less friendly when dealing with male customers as some of them were flirting with me. It surprised me each and every time and I did not know how to handle that except to ignore it or when it got to be too much saying flat out I wasn't single. (When I was single I would tell a white lie and say I wasn't).

He would be at me before, trying to pressure me, telling me there had to be other guys. When we were dating there had to be other guy or guys, there were none, when I started working, there had to be another guy or guys into me... I did not know what to say. I would say no, there weren't. 

If I did not text or text him back "soon enough" (what that now means) there had to be another guy. There had to be me thinking twice if I should see him again or not. There had to be. But it did not have to be. 

In my line of work I was trying to be professional and be "social" "friendly" like I was told I was suppose to be - and then this sort of thing happened.

I got aggravated as well as I grew up feeling more of a connection to boys than to girls as I suppose I found them more logical, they were more out blunt and my first best friend was a boy, actually.

I was told I was fearless as a child. I wanted to come and go as I pleased and I did not like it if I felt an authority was telling me what to do the wrong way. I am still always the one reacting on someone giving me an order and how they do it than others are. 

When growing up I did not understand why my family needed to know my whereabouts or what time I should be at home or not.

The way they handled it  was that everyone was helping out to keep an eye on me.

Punishments were useless as I was so stubborn, or so I was told. I was then even more convinced that I was right and they were wrong and now they were twice as wrong for doing this to me and I did not like them. If they thought they were punishing me it fired back as I would in my own way cut them off. He has told me once he has been afraid I will cut him off as he has seen it happen (with someone else). 

I could tell I could not have boys as friends as there were always rumors or speculations if not from adults than other children that it would be cute and romantic. Eyes on us. We did not like that, me and my best friend. 

Looking back at some photos my husband commented I had to have been a "tomboy". 

I think why I did not connect so much to girls my age was because I did not understand all the stuff going on that they did not express. I did not understand the games, the whispering, the groups. I thought they were difficult. They were creating drama, being silly, and becoming enemies over stuff nobody needs. I did not get them. I did not wish to get them. I rather than just be with the boys instead if they were gonna be like that. I knew I did not belong. But I did not want to belong. 

I learned it was only socially accepted that I would have girls as friends. It would go well in time and I do relate to women today as sisters, but when rivalry steps in the picture I'm just as lost as before. My mom would say she had the same problem. 

I've experienced a lot that women at first glance think I'm somebody I'm not, but then as they get to know me they like me the way I do them, as sisters. 

There has been times that I have thought I was having a normal conversation with a man thinking he relates to me as a brother  when all of a sudden he does something flirtatious. Times when it has happened I have felt let down. One time even with someone I would think of as a father figure. That was it. I walked away. 

This all started to happen when I was somewhere in my late teens. 

I think when it really hit home was when I was starting to work and meet guys I did not know before or had grown up with. They did not know who I was or what I was about. 

I was in no way ready to deal with this. 

I think in some ways I was a late bloomer (inside), and I was still this tomboy (inside). 

When my friends chased after boys I did no chasing. I wasn't there. One week they were in love with one guy, the other someone else. 

Having grown up among lots of boys (family, relatives, their friends) I would communicate, be myself the way I was with them. Boys were home to me. 

My husband would say he got jealous of me way before we got together as he thought I was nice to everyone, to guys, and he wished I would have been that way and not "so cold" (I was shy. I was in love with him). 

I don't fall in love easily so to me falling in love the way I fell in love with him meant that he should feel safe at all times that he's the guy. That's why to me it is total waste of time and it is nonsense to be like that when I love him the way I do. 

I get your point that it would be belittling if I say that or act aggravated but it gotten to a point that I get frustrated but I think my true feeling of it is fear and sadness that this is not going away what ever it is, and it shouldn't be here. That should be no where near us. 

I think we have a loving and safe and good relationship as of today and because of everything we've been through (which is a lot), we're reminding me of couples that been together for a very long time and are really old, like that. He's my guy. To me it is as if we've gotten through the storms and here we are and I appreciate we've made it, but it's like he's got one foot in my reality and the other where it don't belong. 

In the past it wasn't easy as I got burned out, depressed, sick... and it was this cycle of that before I got help. 

When I got sick he has told me (later) that they did offer him to talk to a psychiatrist (I think), but he turned it down. 

I remember he was with me a few times but he did not express anything except how he felt I was doing. I would ask But what about you? How are you doing? But he said he was always fine. 

I think what happened, what went wrong, is that the first couple of years I wasn't sick, but then I got there and then our roles shift because now it was as if he got to be my husband and my look out, my protector, like a dad. 

When I got help and I got well again I wanted us to get back to where we had been before but it was then as if he had difficulty letting go of everything, that he needed to be in charge. 

I asked him to please join me, for the both of us to do counseling, but he refused. 

He was on most part suspicious to all that. 

He was also concerned that if I did it too much I would get unhappy again or not get out of that condition. 

For some time we did not know what it was, if I was bipolar as it was returning the way it was. So I think or I know for a fact that from what he has told me that is his fear that this will return and that means he does not allow himself to feel the way I feel right now, safe. He will comment that he's pleased that he has noticed that I've been well as for as long as I've been now but he don't know if he can trust that. That he felt before that as soon as he let his guard down and thought this will never return I got sick again. 

He was in charge of me when I got really sick and it was either hospitalization or him and them making a compromise. I think that period of time hurt him even if he won't confess to that because I think he felt that had anything gone wrong during that time it would be on him. I was not even let known until afterwards that they had told him I needed to be hospitalized, locked up and away, and he said he could not stand the idea of them taking me away from him. I believe too his dad was on his case that he had to be in charge, he should not let anyone do anything to me. To "Man up". I was ashamed and thought this was a time when he would get the advice to get out, that I meant trouble. I did not know what was wrong with me. Just that something was. 

I have asked again and again if that period of time is something we should talk about and I feel quilt about what I put him through. 

Besides from that he's not as friendly as I am and he either do not know and care for social codes.

I think at times he don't recognize them, hasn't been taught them by either parent, and other times he simply think they are silly, as if he is going to rebel. I think that worked for him when he was younger, that people assumed he was going through his rebel years, but now he's older. Now it's just like something's missing. He is aware of that and he can curse himself at times because he's missed something and other times he's not thinking it's important. Times when he will answer instead of letting me answer if a guy asks something. 

People expect him to be more like me or. they expect something, but he won't give it to them.

They also go out of their way as they are curious, but he will keep them where he wants them.

I still believe they like him because they can sense that this is a good guy.

I can tell that people can be forgiving and chose to ignore what he does wrong because  they do see his true colors. 

He hasn't been jealous of my friends or family.

He registered early who they were and then it is as if his loyalty to me includes them as well. Like "You go with her? OK. That means you're my friend too". Then you're on his OK list. He will help you out if you need to because she/he is my friend. When I discovered that I loved him even more. 

I've never heard or noticed anyone in my close surrounding not approving or liking him. 

I think because he has been so shut off to everyone that I have tried to soften the blow by me then being even more friendly, as if the two of us go together, as if that is my responsibility. 

I think we probably both have found our ways to be socially and they clash. We clash. 

I do get his way and he gets my way and because of what he told me I have become less friendly, social as I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea, and it has worked, it has been less of that. 

I will try to convince him once more that when he's ready we should go into counseling. 

Table1 said:

Either you trust me or you don't. Either you know I'm fine or don't, but with him it is as if he jumps in between and it has aggravated me because to me it's nonsense,

Based on my conversations with my therapist on a similar issue I belive that calling this nonsense is unhelpful and belitteling to your husband. It clearly is a big issue for him and there will be reasons for it, probably based in his life before you where he developed a fear of loss of a partner.

It could also be a learned response from observing his parents relationship as this seems to mirror some of his fathers patterns of behaviour - it is quite common for autists with poor emotional connection to adopt these unfortunately.

His father sounds like a very influential figure in his development which probably explains why he masks differenty around him and finds it hard to switch this off after he leaves. It could be an imprinting of behaviour - just a guess.

I note you don't express worry about his infidelity. This could be seen as not caring as much and there is a term my therapist uses that the person in a relationship who "cares" less hold the power. In your situation it sounds like you "care" less relative to your partner as he is the one with all the worries about you staying so he probably feels disempowered and it leads to some of the unhealthy acting out.

This is just  the opinion of some random off the internet so please don't take it personally, I'm just trying to offer a partially educated opinion of what could be happening.

I think he would benefit a lot from speaking with a therapist and covering this amongst other issues to help him process it and possibly manage it much better. Once he feels he has a better understanding of the issues and has hopefully made some progress then a couples therapist would be a good idea in my opinion to help you do a health check on the relationship and start setting some of the expectations, boundaries and - importantly - appreciation for one anothers good aspects.

The situation is more complex than we can convey in a chat and you need a professional to guide him through his own analysis for it to be effective, but I would suggest couples therapy (possibly even use his own therapist for this as they will know what solutions are likely to work for him) as there will inevitably be work to be done for both of you to rebuild the healthy relationship you both deserve.

Thank you so much for writing to me. 

No, he ain't being treated for any of those. He does not have anxiety all the time, it's a trigger-anxiety-thing, I suppose, that I can tell and when he's not like that he comes off as grounded and you wouldn't have guessed. One thing that triggers it is when I am for instance away., lets say on a trip. His dad has always as far as I've known him been much on the phone, calling, increasingly if you're away. When his wife (my husband's mom) goes with me to do something it is as if this is a trigger too (despite knowing where we're going and about how long we will be there). There are younger generations in the family, relatives, that we've been told behave the same way when mom or dad goes away, increased compared to other children. I suppose my way is black and white, my family reacted to that I did not react if any of them were going away when I was a child, with me being sad. I was more "OK". I still am, so I stood out that way compared to other children. It's one thing if you know someone is in danger, but if you know all is well, then you know you're going to see them again. I felt safe in my environment with or without them. When you're home again it's as if then everything is how it should be and they're all their normal selves and you wouldn't have guessed.

He's been through a lot as of lately and it is as if that triggers the old stuff he's been through in the past with me when I got sick (which is so not the case today, I'm well). He says that is one of his greatest fears that he will loose me or that something will happen to me. He kind of got that way when our relationship got serious  as well, once upon a time, but he only said very little of it so I did not know it was such a big thing.

In one way he says he knows he can trust me that I would never do anything dumb (being unfaithful), or narrow down the possibility of something happening to me, but in another it's as if he needs to "just know" and then he'll fine but I don't want to feel as if I am put under his loop. To me it's very simple: Either you trust me or you don't. Either you know I'm fine or don't, but with him it is as if he jumps in between and it has aggravated me because to me it's nonsense, it's not part of my reality, it's invasive. When he got jealous he could turn up at my job out of the blue and even if he tried to make it look like that was normal I could tell it wasn't. When it was bad he has followed me as well, letting me know about it later when he felt better, felt relief and I suppose was thinking his jealousy was over with. Turns out I have been put under his loop for a very long time without knowing I was and so during this time he has had his ways to "check up on me" to see my whereabouts and what I do, etc, and for most part this "check up" has resulted in relief or a sense of control (while I know nothing, he figured I suppose if I knew nothing then I wouldn't suffer or react on it), the other part is when he has then revealed to me what he knows and then he comes off as if I've crossed a boundary and he needs to tell me, but when we've talked it through it turns out I haven't and he's good with that. He has then of course revealed how he knows this and so then it's obvious he's been up to his "check up"s again, the second time he did this, letting me know, it was years from when he first let me know, and I thought that was all over with, of course. I did not think it was going to be a rerun. That's when the old feelings came back to me. When I was very young I was for a period of time (before I got out) in a bad relationship and this guy's crazy ways, very jealous over nothing, had this cycle in the relationship. When he was in the cycle for the second time I was out and stayed out but he wouldn't accept that for long so all kinds of crazy things started to happen to the point that I don't know what effected me the most, the bad times in the relationship, or the bad things that went down when I was trying to get back to a normal life and have no contact. So when I feel someone keeps an eye on me, "checks" on me, behind my back as well as interrogating me, what it now may be about, I get reminded what I've been through. I know he's not that guy, my ex. I know he don't have his cycles, but in my rational mind I get effected by it as the ex would too be so irrational with the jealousy and it was like a never ending thing there as well. Just when I thought we talked it through. Always when I was relaxing thinking we were good. Been told You must have done something, by someone who had no idea. I know now it was when his feelings for me got stronger and he was suppose to feel more safe that his fears got hold of him and that was when he got that way with me. I had not broken my ex trust. I had not done it to my husband. Had I done something I would get it. I would get why I would be put under the loop, I would have welcomed it as a solution to how to rebuilt the trust, but as I haven't I don't welcome any of it. So as a result from that he felt I had become very secretively and that only then made him more suspicious or giving him the so called proof his sick jealousy needed. He told me once that if I had nothing to hide then what was the problem. I said the feeling is the problem. The feeling that you don't trust me all the time and that you can misinterpret anything and I don't know what craziness can come out of something I'm doing that is completely innocent. He has said I could do it to him, he would be fine with that, but I say you need to respect that we are different. We have different boundaries. I don't like the feeling of being watched. I'm not OK with that. His dad been jealous of his mom as well and I think all this got to be normal to him and boundaries to him too as well growing up has been different than mine have been. I never check on him or anything. I trust him. I trust my own instincts if they were to alarm me he's into someone else or what ever and they haven't so I'm good with all that, but it also I suppose take me oceans away from what he has been going through with the irrational jealousy. He then feels bad afterwards, and I offered, thought we could go into counseling then, but he said this was his problem and he was going to get help and get rid of it and we could just go back to living like normal. I have understood his jealousy and the "check ups" then also scares him to know that could make our good relationship (because it is a very good relationship normally) into a bad one. Give me reasons to leave. 

I suppose my own insecurity is that when someone is changing, not who they use to be, around me, I get insecure because to me Who is this? What's happening?

With the ex I tip toed or tried to hide behind a mask, and I swore to God after I got out of that that was it for me. I still did not know I had autism but I swore not to pretend. For survival I had to try to read him off just right in order to know how I would behave to not wake the monster, exhausting. I had given up too much of myself for something that would never be mine, our relationship was an illusion and so was our future: The reality was grim. To the outside I was just young and perhaps it was expected a break up and that was not the end of the world, "how young people go". 

I have taken your advice and been merely myself when we now spend time with his dad. It's been totally fine. 

I have too talked to my husband and he tells me too to just be myself. 

Before we spend time with his dad I didn't tell him but recognized that he did after a period of time had passed get back to his normal self, how he normally is, kissed me on the cheek, talked some, was present in his normal self. I think the way his dad is that he is adapting himself as well as guarding himself with him and so that takes energy from him so when he is into that he focuses on that, being in that role, and not so much with me, he can't do it simultaneously, he has to shift. 

I've noticed  what I guessed was OCD when he and his mom get stressed out and said nothing, but one time I did tell him "Stop", and then it was like he was not even aware he was doing it, him figuring he was masking it, he's got like few things he does that I know when he does them why he does them and to others this could look normal, but it is the time that goes by while he's doing it that first alerted me, and too if let's say I then gently put myself in the way I can tell he does not wish to tell me but he sort of tries to get back to it. It takes some time before he snaps out of it. After we've spend time with his dad I can tell it takes some time too before he snaps out of it, "his old coat", before it comes off completely and he takes on his other coat, the one he's in when the focus is on us. 

I don't really react ont his normally with other people, but it is a difference so clear to me when his dad is in the picture. 

Thank you again for the great advice, I will get that book!

Table1 said:

As he has recognized, finally, that he has an issue with anxiety and can take med,

I believe anxiety meds are not an effective solution for most autists - ADHD and Bipolar are related conditions that do respond to medication however. Is he being treated for any of these?

My opinion is that it is worth speaking with a doctor who has a solid understanding of autism and anxiety and assess whether medication if the right option in his situation as it may make things worse.

Table1 said:

I am unsure how to relate to him when we're with his dad.

I would relate to him as normal. Why do you need to behave differently towards him just because he is responding in one way to another person? Consistency from you would seem logical to me.

I suspect he has a different mask he uses when around his dad and if it works for him then accept it but be your normal self.

Table1 said:

For one thing I just want him to be himself like he's with me. The other thing is I am unsure how I am suppose to be, how to be supportive.

Tell him this. Ask him how he wants you to be - I suspect the answer is the same as always.

As for being supportive my advice would be to educate yourself about autism and dig a bit deeper on the issues that affect you or him then you can educate him a bit, especially on tips and tricks to make life easier and more fun.

A starting point would be:

Understanding Autism For Dummies - Stephen Shore, Linda G. Rastelli, Temple Grandin (2006)
ISBN 0764525476

If he is reluctant to get assessed then that is valid - he may not feel it is worth it or may have a stigma attached for him so I wouldn't push. Maybe be open about your own journey of discovery and he may feel it worth following.

Good luck.