Why am I like this?

From as young as 11, I never had any friends and was devastated by the loneliness. When I got friends in college, I was really extroverted, and always tried making plans with my friends. Whenever I wasn’t around them, I felt extremely lonely and down. 

hence, I got my first job at my workplace, hoping to make friends with people in my age range. After college, i lost all of my friends and was yet again negatively affected by the loneliness.

however, since I’ve dealt with countless of assholes in my workplace, it made me hate everyone and I started to appreciate being alone.

the main issue I have is my overall attitude, regarding my social life. It constantly changes from one extreme to another.

First, I am bawling my eyes out about how lonely I am. Then the next second, I decide I actually hate socialising people and want to be alone.

why am I like this ‍‍‍‍‍‍