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I messed up. Depressive cycles

Dogtooth

Hi everyone, 

Some of you have heard my self indulgent speeches before, so you will know some of this. 

I have been diagnosed a few years ago with chronic long term depression. Been under psychiatrist and therapists and on medication for several years. They do help, but the cycles still come. 

i used to self medicate (ridiculous i know) which led me to become an alcoholic cocaine addict. 

Tidied myself up a couple of years ago. Recently i have hit a really long low spell, for no apparent reason. Started self harming again and suicidal thoughts came back. This one is particularly bad. I have no motivation for anything. 

In a moment of weakness i bought narcotics. That was about 3 months ago and i back using every day again. In secret. 

The addiction has got me bad this time. Also im drinking openly but also secretly, so my wife doesnt know how much i drink. Last weekend just on saturday i polished off 2 bottles of red wine, 2 pints of lager and a litre bottle of rum. Im not proud of this. I didnt even pour it. Just swigged from the bottle. 

Im feeling really low and lonely today. I really need some kind words if possible. 

Thank you

Parents

  • Sorry to hear you've had this happen.

    Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself over it. There are underlying reasons why you had to do this to cope, maybe even ones you can't consciously see. 

    I'm no expert on narcotics, but as for the booze, if you can take just a few days off it, you'll feel a little clarity that might just be enough to get yourself a plan and some motivation together.

    I won't pretend to know the answer to escaping depression and addictions, I have my own demons too, but don't know how much worse yours might be so won't risk sounding patronising either. I sincerely hope you can get through this, there is a better day ahead, don't lose sight of it.

    Stay on here, people want to help, it's no way your fault, nobody wouldn't chose to have to deal with this, the fact you are doing shows how strong you can be, focus on that strength, how ever small you feel it is at the moment , it'll grow.

  • in reply to Autisician
    Autisician said:
    there is a better day ahead, don't lose sight of it.

    True-dat !!

    Autisician said:
    Stay on here, people want to help,

    True-dat-too !!

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