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I messed up. Depressive cycles

Dogtooth

Hi everyone, 

Some of you have heard my self indulgent speeches before, so you will know some of this. 

I have been diagnosed a few years ago with chronic long term depression. Been under psychiatrist and therapists and on medication for several years. They do help, but the cycles still come. 

i used to self medicate (ridiculous i know) which led me to become an alcoholic cocaine addict. 

Tidied myself up a couple of years ago. Recently i have hit a really long low spell, for no apparent reason. Started self harming again and suicidal thoughts came back. This one is particularly bad. I have no motivation for anything. 

In a moment of weakness i bought narcotics. That was about 3 months ago and i back using every day again. In secret. 

The addiction has got me bad this time. Also im drinking openly but also secretly, so my wife doesnt know how much i drink. Last weekend just on saturday i polished off 2 bottles of red wine, 2 pints of lager and a litre bottle of rum. Im not proud of this. I didnt even pour it. Just swigged from the bottle. 

Im feeling really low and lonely today. I really need some kind words if possible. 

Thank you

  • in reply to Autisician
    Autisician said:
    there is a better day ahead, don't lose sight of it.

    True-dat !!

    Autisician said:
    Stay on here, people want to help,

    True-dat-too !!

  • in reply to Dogtooth

    Dude!  "Hold the head"....as the farmers say !  Steady on !!

    It is NOT all your own fault.....you are conflating too many things, all at the same time, at a time when you are too exhausted to think clearly about even one thing.  I know that feeling.

    Now is not a good time to make definitive decisions about anything at all!

    Ease yourself back to a point of calm, brother.

    There is SO MUCH going on for you, here, now, at this moment.  The easiest thing to think is "its all my own fault"......but just because it is the easiest thing to think......but that doesn't make it correct.

    THIS ISN'T ALL YOUR FAULT.  I'm very certain of this.  Autism is not your fault.  Addiction is not your fault.  External pressure is not your fault.

    One other thing, that I can remind you of........MANY folk here appreciate you greatly.  This is not my opinion, this is what I KNOW from what I have read and seen here.

    You have slipped up = OK.  Don't try to rectify that slip by doing something that you KNOW ISN'T OK, simply because you are too exhausted to think clearly !!

    I have to leave this place now......but I'll be transmitting you good vibes via the ether, to the best of my ability which I hope you will receive......and I hope will help to steady you.

    Yours,

    Number.

  • Sorry to hear you've had this happen.

    Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself over it. There are underlying reasons why you had to do this to cope, maybe even ones you can't consciously see. 

    I'm no expert on narcotics, but as for the booze, if you can take just a few days off it, you'll feel a little clarity that might just be enough to get yourself a plan and some motivation together.

    I won't pretend to know the answer to escaping depression and addictions, I have my own demons too, but don't know how much worse yours might be so won't risk sounding patronising either. I sincerely hope you can get through this, there is a better day ahead, don't lose sight of it.

    Stay on here, people want to help, it's no way your fault, nobody wouldn't chose to have to deal with this, the fact you are doing shows how strong you can be, focus on that strength, how ever small you feel it is at the moment , it'll grow.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thank you man. This will be a short reply, not because i dont have much to say. But because i am exhausted. 

    I needed some help today. Feel useless. This morning full of hate. By 10am i had the razor blade out and revisited that ever faithful old pal self harm. 

    It really wasnt enough. I have made promises not to cut too deep. 

    About 11 the other friend suicide is the way came to visit. Ended up on the floor of the office toilets in the phone to the samaritans. 

    All my own fault i know. 

    I deserve no help or sympathy. I just needed somw kindness, regardless of whether i deserve it or not. 

    I think you may be in the minority enjoying my visits here. 

    Thank you. 

    I''l leave now. 

    XXX

    Moderator can you delete my account please? 

  • Happy noon Dogtooth,

    You are such a refreshingly honest soul on these pages, about your struggles.

    I have developed a mental picture of you and your character over our years of intermittent contact.  I like what I perceive, and I am sorry that you find yourself carrying such a heavy burden again at this moment.  The good news is, you got this sorted before, and you will get it sorted again!

    With the inherent honesty that I see shining at your core, it must be utterly horrible to be hiding the "bad behaviours" that are manifesting at the moment.  It is important to remember that these "bad behaviours" are BECAUSE you are an addict.....not because you are a bad chap.  It wouldn't surprise me if 60% of your current low mood is due to the "secrecy" aspect.  

    Perhaps the first thing to do now, for your sanity, is to stop the secrecy.  It is bad that you are back on booze and powders.......but twice as bad (at least) if you are the only one who knows this?!

    You have a binary choice here........EITHER you say what's happening to the important people in your life......OR they find out what's happening in your life.  It's your choice, but we both know the best answer for a) the wellbeing of your nearest-and-dearest and b) enabling your therapists to help you with this dip.

    I have the privilege of knowing a good few addicts.  Even the ones who haven't manifested any "bad behaviours" for decades......still call themselves an addict to this day, in the present tense, loud and clearly.....they take nothing for granted.

    Brother, you have slipped up.  That's not a disaster.  Get back up.  Be loud and proud.  You are a good man.....but you need a bit more support right now......so ask for it, from people who can help.

    Kind regards

    Number.