Published on 12, July, 2020
My son left uni with a masters in physics but can’t get a job. His dad died during his time there so I am the only parent and he lives at home with me and his 22 yr old brother. He stays in his room all day with the curtains shut . He accepts he is different but doesn’t not want to be diagnosed , he refuses to accept interventions to help his mental health. He went to see a therapist who specialises in working with clients with autism. He refused to go back despite her identifying areas to help him. He gets so angry so quickly, my youngest son wanted to move out because he can’t live with the fear of his anger! If I approach him about anything he gets upset and angry . I want to help him , not alienate him. It’s been over 6 months since I have tried to get him to help himself and now I need to try again but don’t know what to do? What area to discuss first ?
It seems like he has not processed the death of his father. How about the rest of the family, have they? A sensitive lad will pick up on it and freeze in place. He has experienced a significant loss and is struggling to find his way through it and cant find a model to go by.
He has come to a boulder in the road along his life's path. Once he finds a way to address and process the loss he can leverage the boulder aside, perhaps with a few helping hands, if he'll allow.
Also, since his passion is physics, reach him through physics. "Meet" him on his home turf.
You must be strong Millitant and tough in this situation - your son needs milltary style discipline in this situation to force him to accept reality and it would also be a good idea to involve the police as well, for his own good - you must have the conviction to take a hard line - being loving also involves being tough and harsh when needed
In this situation you have to be cruel to be kind and tough love is the only way to make him cop on to himself - it’s one of the rare occasions where I believe that difficult choices need to be made and where the only way to manage this situation (aside from getting help for yourself) is to in his best interests, to get interventions from the local NHS mental health teams who do have legal powers to get him sectioned if he refuses help - in the long run, such a hard and tough approach is better for everyone
Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your last sentence is what I keep saying to myself but I feel I have to try and ensure I am doing my utmost to help before I can settle back into back off say nothing mode and continue on where I am feel so ‘down’
Thank you so much for these replies I really appreciate these summaries of this situation. I desperately want to be kind and supportive but I am questioning myself am I helping by doing nothing. So difficult to have conviction in taking a hard line! The reason I am thinking about the value of seeking a diagnosis is for the possibility of consideration by possible employers should he get interviews. Is this right do you know?
I agree, it is certainly a 'tough love' situation. Being 'kind' in the short term will not help your son in the long term. A 'label' is only a label when you tell people about it and no autistic person with a diagnosis has to disclose it to anyone they do not want to,
He is not independent, he refuses to be diagnosed which means he cannot get any accommodations for social or financial support, and he is unemployed with has no motivatation to find work, and he is a nightmare to be around because of his anger. You got him a therapist, but he doesn't want help.
He seems to be alienating himself, with windows drawn, and isolating himself. You are reaching out to him, but he refuses your help, yet you probably need help yourself! You don't have your husband there anymore, you're probably paying for everything yourself, and trying to encourage your son to do something with his life.
Tell him that you need help. It's either he gets diagnosed so that he can get some financial and social support, so that he can do something with his life, or he can try to do everything on his own without any help, and go out there to find a job. But he cannot keep staying in his room and isolating himself. You need solutions, not more problems to take care of. And if he wants to angry, then he can pack up his bags and go, or he can stay and have a roof over his head and food to eat, but he has to try and do something with his life.
Hi...sorry to hear about the situation with your son. You evidently care about him very much.I understand your need to tangibly help him. It sounds like your son is a head-strong young man and knows his own mind. Perhaps it might be useful to simply offer him empathy and love and let him find his own way in the comforting knowledge of your caring support? Sounds easier written than done, I appreciate. Ultimately your son is his own human being and only he can make the choices that are right for him at a given point in time.