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HELP!!!

NAS90380

I am in love with a woman who has a daughter who is 15 and recently has been diagnosed with autism. Before she was diagnosed her mom and I split up. We had a period of time that did not go well and we had some arguments that her daughter heard. No violence ever but they are not the best arguments. We split for 8 months and love each other very much. I should also say I love her daughter as well. The issue is her daughter is having very intense episodes towards her mom about getting back together with me. She has told her mom that she will never accept me, she throws things around the house and she has made statements like her mom doesn't care for her even if she is dead. Her mom is scared and is going to end things with me because she can't take the risk of hurting her daughter or her daughter hurting herself. I am at a loss and don't want to lose them. I also don't want them to be hurt because of me either. Is there any hope?? I could be a great dad and husband but we can't find a way to calm her down about me. I am sick with this.

  • in reply to NAS90380
    NAS90380 said:
    She has profound issues with her father.

    Maybe it is that simple. Maybe you rimind her too much of her farther, especially if he was prone to shouting and arguments before he went 'nasty.' Only time could help with that. Time and on your part showing you can be the polar opoosite of what her father was.

  • Having been in a similar situation myself as a teenager I can understand why the daughter is reacting like that and does not want to speak with you.

    Many autistic people find written communication easier to process. Perhaps you could write an honest and direct letter, explaining your regret over how the arguments affected her and why things would be different if you were given another chance. Then let her respond or not as she chooses.

  • The daughter has a bad impression of you,  because when you had a chance with her mom, you got into arguments with her, and the daughter didn't like that.  The promises that you could be a great husband and father to the family now, would make the daughter doubful, because when you had the opportunity before, you didn't take it.

    Now to be completely honest, every couple gets into arguments and disagreements though. And although you and her mom might have made up, the daughter was not in on that, and only remembers all of the arguing, and it makes her go overboard. She does not want you to enter their home and cause such a huge disturbance in their life.

    Maybe try sitting down with her and her mom and have an honest conversation. Maybe that can help clear the air.  

  • in reply to Peter

    She has profound issues with her father. I would not uproot her mom. She does not have any support besides her mom. I do appreciate her reasons and trying to understand them. In addition, my past arguments with her mom have given her reason to be cautious. I HAVE made mistakes but would do anything to fix them. I also know the challenges moving forward, but I don't know how to repair her and my relationship with her daughter. She hates me and is fearful of me. She doesn't want to even speak to me and threatens her mom if her mom talks with me. I have spent the time away learning and working on my end but the even mention of me makes her daughter angry. It is an impossible situation for her mom. We would do anything to make this work however we are afraid of the emotional damage it is causing her daughter. 

  • is it you or is it her farther? If she's still atached to him the mental image of you with her mum long term could be quite disturbing to her.

    Beyond that you represent change she can't controle. This is not just hypothetical. What if you got offered a job elsewhere. Would you uproot her mum and her for it? What about her mums atention? Does this girl have any emotional suport aside from her mum? If not her mum probably spends a lot of time and mental effort on being that emotional suport. What does you coming along and using up more of her mums atention mean there? And it would be years before you could offer meanful emotional suport because you'd probably need to get to know her in ways she doesn't even know herself. Might be hard now she's in her teens.

    When you apreciate she has rational reasons to be warey of you it will be easyer to see if there is a way forward.

  • I believe that, a daughter who finds themselves in the circumstances that you describe, whether autistic or not, could readily be anticipated to react and behave somewhat how you have described.

    There is always hope, but I wouldn't try to force anything, in any way.  Patience and calm.

    I wish everyone involved, all the best.