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It is really hard being me!!

RBH52

I was getting on with my day, driving, parking, and walking about doing bits. It then dawned on me that it is hard being me. Sometimes, I feel that I have to work so much more complicated than a "non-neurodiverse" person or a person who could be described as "Normal". 

I thought my head was like a 24-hour factory that never closes. I think about driving and ensuring that the SatNav takes me to my destination. Otherwise, I start to panic and feel a weight on my head if it goes funny. I think about walking outside and being somewhat agitated with someone whistling or walking in my line of sight or adjacent to me. I constantly have to think much harder about my next move, how to figure out this or that. Everything is a carefully crafted sequence processed like cogs in a wheel.

Everything is exacerbated and magnified, which I do because it is almost planned out in a split second, and then I do it.

I can never take a day off from this, but no one would ever know unless they know me already.  This is the tiresome thing of doing all the above in a way where I am perceived as "Normal", but I am an expert in the above, I think!

  • "I can never take a day off from this, but no one would ever know unless they know me already." So well put, can relate 100%

  • ‘Everything is exacerbated and magnified’ - yes. I’m exhausted by trying to just live a ‘normal life’ and do normal stuff. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I can survive it because it makes me feel so worn out. Stressing out about things, worrying so much about a million different things. So I empathise.

  • Every road trip, for me, is an internal wrangling with my head.

    My car seems to have more brake pad issues. My mind was going on about possible penalty points. But I got home safely.

  • It can feel so lonely but please know you’re not alone!

    I have both autism and Adhd and really relate to this feeling. It’s super frustrating and overwhelming and at times you just feel stuck in a pointless loop.

    Remember though that for being able to not just get through the day and do what everyone else is doing, but doing it feeling like this and no one being aware of it, means you have to be pretty strong and resilient as a person, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.  

    I think it’s great you shared that on here though, one as hopefully you feel slightly better for letting it out and 2. that helps other people who feel the same way know they aren’t the only ones feeling like that. 

    Stay strong