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Conflicting thoughts

Sporadic Sparkly

For over a week now, I've had a strong suspicion that I have been 'ghosted' by someone I have known for approximately 18 months. Like me, this person is also autistic, and I'm aware that depending on their mood, they can be prone to jumping to the wrong conclusion and making snap decisions as a result.

This all started after the individual in question had notified me via text message that a collection of e-mails they had sent me had been blocked. I knew that I hadn't blocked them, and because I had a hunch they had been drinking, I felt it was highly probable that they had misspelled my e-mail address. That's the only reason I could think of to explain why those e-mails had been blocked. After asking if they had spelled my e-mail address correctly, they texted back my e-mail address, which I could see they had misspelled. I then texted back my e-mail address and told them to check their spelling.

It's unclear whether this person had received and read my text message, as I have heard nothing more from them. Based on past experience, I feel it is entirely possible that if they were of the mindset that I had intentionally blocked them from e-mailing me, this would have been enough for them to decide to block and ghost me. Based on past experience, I know that once they have convinced themself of something, it can sometimes take weeks or even months for them to back down and accept they were wrong.

As things stand, I feel there is little point in me texting or e-mailing this person. If they have blocked me, then they obviously won't receive any text messages or e-mails I send. In addition, as I use a PAYG mobile phone, it also means wasting what little credit is left on it. Slight tangent, but the last time I topped up the credit was over a year ago. I had put on £10, and have £1.36 left, which just goes to show how infrequently I use my mobile.

Anyway, part of me is wondering whether to send a letter to this person via snail mail. Whilst there is no guarantee they will read it, at least I know Royal Mail will deliver it. When it comes to people I care about, such as friends, I am the kind of person who will fight to clear up any misunderstandings. From my perspective, if there has been a misunderstanding that can be resolved, investing my time and effort in sending a letter will be worth it. The worst that can happen is that I'll hear nothing back, but at least I will know where I stand.

There is a BUT though... During the past 18 months, I have frequently felt that it has generally tended to be me putting in the bulk of the effort, and that it has generally been me giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. After 18 months, there is a large part of me that thinks, "Can I really be bothered to put the effort in and write that letter?"

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    I regret not being more open with the friends I had. Maybe it's cos we didn't know each other long enough and we didn't communicate more clearly, cos there were times where they'd disappear for a while and I'd worry that they don't like me anymore. Unfortunately in some cases that was true and they only told me once I asked if we were cool (so to speak). But there were others where I could go a few weeks and it's fine.

    The thing that really used to bug me was these odd viral tweets that would read something like "I never reply to anyone's messages" or "you're not entitled to people's time". My black and white thinking would interpret that as a personal attack on me as though I'm asking for too much. Also you get "sometimes people are too anxious to reach out if they're struggling" but I'd be questioning why a close friend wouldn't be able to communicate that with you.

    I guess I don't want those friendships to revert to how they were. How they were was me panicking and worrying and stressing all the time instead of enjoying their company, overloading myself by talking to 30+ people on social media when I already had people who liked me, and just not being fully honest with myself or them. I'm treating it as a new start but I know I need to somehow accept the fact the outcome won't be what I want.

  • in reply to HMO

    I have a female friend with ASD who I keep in touch with via Messenger. Our messages are usually lengthy and more like letters. If one of us isn't up to responding, we will simply send an emoji. It's our way of saying, "I haven't forgotten about you and will respond when I can.". As we have known each other for almost 40 years, I know that I have no reason to panic if it ends up being a couple of weeks or more pass and I haven't received a message. The trust is there, so I know there will always be a good reason if she suddenly falls silent.

    With the person I referred to in my original post, I found that they would go from seeming to want fairly frequent contact, to suddenly wanting none at all and ignoring me. It would not have been quite so bad if they had sent me a brief text message or e-mail stating that they weren't up to being sociable. Many a night I lost sleep wondering if something awful had happened to them and if they were even alive. I'd leave it a week or two, and then contact them asking if they could let me know they were ok. Sometimes they obliged, and sometimes my pleas fell on deaf ears. As time went on, I increasingly found myself thinking that if they were genuinely bothered about me and maintaining a friendship, they would make more of an effort to prove it to me. After all, actions speak louder than words.

    I believe that if a friendship is meant to be, one shouldn't be left feeling like one is having to try and second-guess the other person's intentions. If there is a need to apologise for something, one shouldn't be left guessing what it is one needs to apologise for. A good friend will be straight with you, even if it means having to ask if you have said or done something to upset them.

    If you do apologise to your former friends, then I wish you the best of luck. My advice would be not to raise your expectations, and not to assume that those friendships will automatically revert back to how they had previously been.

  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    It absolutely should be mutual. I have often felt (for whatever reason) like I'm being difficult or asking for too much because "I'm not entitled to other people's time" or something, just because I want a friendship that's equal. I will be the first to admit that I have been too mechanical with friendships in the past and have probably scared people off as a result.

    I can understand the confusion. Especially if you don't know what the cause is. I've found myself apologising for things that I didn't even know were a problem but I did anyway cos I know there was *something*.

    I'm doing the same thing with these apology messages; editing them to get things right. I still feel iffy about sending them even though I want to, although one of the few things that has gotten me through the worst 6 months of my life has been the hypothetical hope that I would be able to speak to them again.

    I began typing up some apologies to people who I wasn't even that close to at the time of the situation happening, but I quickly realised that I didn't have much to say. I'd given those people a lot of my energy already and there wasn't much left, especially as they didn't feel the same way (seemingly) even though I thought they did at one point.

  • in reply to HMO

    I can honestly say that out of all the friendships I've had (past and present) the one with this particular person has been the most confusing. With the rest of my friendships, I generally find there is a consistent pattern in terms of their behaviour and frequency of communication, irrespective of whether they are women or men. There has always been a balance of give and take, and a feeling of mutual respect and support, which I believe is how friendships should be.

    If I'm honest, I had started to draft a letter to this person, before deleting everything I'd typed and starting again. Aware that it could well be the last time I contact them, I felt I needed to express myself in a way that would (hopefully) enable them to see things from my perspective. However, I then thought, "Why am I even bothering to type this letter!"  Confused  If I do end up sending a letter, I have a feeling it's likely to end up being edited multiple times before it gets printed off.

    As it's been 6 months since that situation with your friends, it's possible that they may now be more willing to accept an apology from you and be open to the idea of letting bygones be bygones. All you can do is try (if that is what you want to do) and see what happens.

  • I know that feeling. I've had a habit of always being the one to reach out and not realising that I'm the only one who seems to be invested in the relationship.

    I'm in a situation where I'm wanting to apologise to old friends for some things that happened about 6 months ago. I haven't done it yet because I know we all needed space. I've written up some apologies but I haven't sent them yet because I'm not really prepared for the fact it may not be the outcome I want. Similarly I don't want to make things worse.

    Indeed I feel like I need to wait until I get braces/a job so at least there's a clear change from the person I was then to now. I guess I fear everyone's judging me.

    I had someone who was a best friend and they just completely disappeared. I never found out why, but I sent them lots of messages and the odd card and I got nowhere. I've more-or-less made my peace with it but it still hurts.

    The people I mention here are also neurodivergent so it's not always straightforward. 

    With regards to your situation though, maybe you can start writing a letter and see how it goes? If it really feels like you're dragging your feet and struggling to muster up the enthusiasm to put it together, at least then you know it's not worth it for you.