Ketamine integration

I went through many physiotherapy hours and I know how complicated it is...

One of my psychiatrists told me that the ketamine would be more effective if I stopped taking Klonopin. But I take 0.5 mg every night, and weaning off of it would be hard. Or at least I think it would be. 

I know you don't care for mystical interpretations of ketamine experiences, but I feel like it is the only way, at least for me. I am thinking now that the phrase "drug fiend" is very significant. It doesn't sound like a simple insult. I think it has something to do with Crowley, and I am now wondering if it could even be taken as a subtle compliment. It is a bit like saying "You're a Gnostic." Under the influence of ketamine I am thinking that some form of Gnosticism, and I include Ibn Arabi, is the only really *emotional* way to understand the presence of evil in the world. (As for Ibn Arabi being a Gnostic, he did believe that the manifestation of God as wrathful and the manifestation of God as merciful are distinct things, and that the latter is more elevated and fundamental than the former. They are distinct names in a hierarchy of names.) 

Thats a common refrain with psycotherapy in autistic people. So often the hard part of the therapists job is uncovering some deep seated issue. With autistic people often the issue is close to the surface and the hard part is adressing an issue that's strongly linked to extrinsic factors that can't easily be adressed by a change of perspective or mental patern.

Frankly counciling autistic people is probably more like counciling some one with a recently aquired profound lifestyle altering physical disability. So much of the psycological distress is bound up with an experence of the world that they know is disfunctional and because they know it could be better if the world was only better catered for their needs.

If ketamine is just telling me to do something that I have already been doing for decades, then I don't think it's worth the money. It is only valuable if it is the source of something new. It is not very useful to be reminded of the fact that people through the years have treated me abusively, because I ruminate on this all the time anyway. 

I'm not sure what the point is in "bringing up" things which I've already discussed many many many times in therapy. In any case, her use of a phrase from Crowley is blatantly mystical. 

that might be the point of the therapy? To bring up stuff in therapy sessions you might normally be reluctant to talk about to your therapist. Unplesent stuff people tend to repress.

My last ketamine infusion was bad at the end. During the end of the trip, I had a surprisingly vivid hallucination of a woman I had known in the past. This woman is remarkably cruel, sadistic, and malignantly evil. I saw her with a long Pinocchio nose and she was mocking me. She was repeating over and over "You're a drug fiend. You're a drug fiend." She was speaking in the voice of a playground bully. Actually, her real-life behavior is much worse than her behavior as a hallucination. But anyway, this was odd, as far as ketamine goes. It was a nasty twist ending to what was otherwise a reasonably pleasant experience. In real life, the woman is plain nuts, but she is highly respected in her field as many sociopaths are. (I can't help but wonder if that phrase "drug fiend" has something to do with Aleister Crowley. Maybe not. But could it?) Even though I am gay, I fail to make a good impression on women as gay men are stereotypically expected to do. I am more likely to evoke something aggressive from them. It's like a curse. This problem somehow wends its way into my ketamine trips. Nowhere is safe, I suppose you could say. 

I definitely get that impression. In fact, I often get this impression with regard to psychotherapy in general. 

therapy using ketamin is very new so I'm guessing they may be 'winging it.'

Here is an article that tries to balance both sides of the discussion: How Seeing God Might Be The Secret To The Most Cutting-Edge Mental Health Treatments (forbes.com)

The title seems a little funny to me. I never saw God. As bizarre as it may sound, it would make more sense to say that I am God. Before I get carted away, I would like to say that this appears to be a common experience, cf. (2) Know Yourself, A Sufi book from 1600’s r' - YouTube 

One psychiatrist told me that I don't really need to understand anything in the ketamine experience. I think the other professionals are a little uncertain as to how the experience should be interpreted. I must say that intrinsically the experiences seems quite unearthly. 

I’m no psychiatrist but I think they’re meant to be working with you more closely on making sense of the stuff that happens to you under the influence of the drug. Not a psychiatrist but just off the top of my head I would say well do you attribute godlike qualities to your mother? What’s your aggressive figure hovering over your life ready to smack you with righteous anger? Was she protective figure who was always there in times of trouble? I’m pretty sure they ought to be doing some sort of analysis on the experiences you have.

In other words, thoughts of people I've known in my life blend seamlessly with thoughts about the eternity of infinities, visions of Tonatiuh, etc. I can't keep them separate. And the mystical literature seems to encourage not keeping them separate. But then I start to think "Is the therapy supposed to make me a little schizotypal?" because that's kind of what it sounds like. 

I am aware of my dead mother while under the influence of ketamine. But I have trouble separating it from the more glaringly mystical things. Ibn Arabi also mentions contact with the dead. I also tend to perceive my mother as god, which fits with the mystical notion that everything is god. Anyway, I mentioned this to one of the psychiatrists at the clinic (technically, I actually have 4 psychiatrists if you include the 3 who work with me in the clinic). He said "You don't have to believe it. It's enough to feel it." I sometimes have feelings of bliss while on ketamine, and sometimes feelings of discomfort which I can usually banish by telling myself "This is perfect." But I'm not sure what it means to feel that my mother is god, or that I am god, or that no one exists, or that I could meet and have a conversation with Claude Debussy if I tried hard enough. 

hmm I don't think thats how its suposed to work. I think it's more like you hear your dead mums voice and realise you had unfinished buisness with her before you she died kind of thing. It's the more personal stuff rather than the metaphysical aspect.

My tendency is to try to interpret the experiences in terms of mystical literature. Ibn Arabi, for example, seems to be describing experiences similar to things I experience from ketamine, e.g. the wall, infinity, dusk, subhuman mentality (which has its place, by the way), the central point, the highest word, the intermediary, my divinity, the impossibility of there being more than one person, my non-existence. Because the similarity is so strong, I am inclined to "integrate" by reading Ibn Arabi. But, on the other hand, isn't Ibn Arabi a bit crazy? The question as to what I'm supposed to believe applies to the literature I use in an attempt to integrate as much as to anything else. Without the literature though, I feel that I am missing a lot. 

I've done some reading on this and I think the idea is to treat it more like a wakeing dream. You're not suposed to belive what you see to be true but the halusinations are suposed to reveal truths about yoursel in the same way a vivid dream might.

make sure to communicate your concerns to the doctor doing this too though. they will need to fully know how you feel and think through this as it will be a highly controlled thing and they would want full feedback so they can monitor and ensure its working how they intended.

but yeah, if it works how health professionals claim.... then it should break any level of serious chronic depression and then prevent it coming back... so you should be in for a good time and good health... if it works how they theorise it works... but you have to ensure to communicate with them and give them full feedback and concerns so they know.

I’m not really familiar with ketamine integration as a therapy. Is it related to ketamine as an antidepressant? I’m told that’s very successful for treatment resistant depression.