• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 7 subscribers
  • Views 882 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Neverending trouble with friend groups

Autistic Tiger

I don't know if it's due to my autism or the social anxiety that comes with it but I feel like I don't belong in any friend groups I have, I feel like I'm that unimportant side friend that no-one will miss that exists on the outside of every group. I even feel this way when I introduce friends together to form a friendship group, they always become good friends, more people join and I end up getting pushed to the side or kicked out of the groups. They stop inviting/involving me to things and stop talking/replying to me.

It just keeps happening again and again, even the furry fandom has given me the same feeling. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I feel so lonely.

  • I felt the same autistic tiger. I never seemed to fit into any community online and i felt like overtime in any friend group i started to be rejected. They last about year, and it's happened about 4 times. I recently finished another cycle of this and at this point i don't feel like trying again. Putting myself out there on social media does not seem worth it anymore. So i've decided to stop for now and i am looking for local groups i can participate in and also trying to connect with my family more. Luckily i can manage on my own alright most of the time but socialising is still definitely a need for me for sure.

    Sorry for rambling a bit but what i want to say is that you should find something that works for you. If you keep getting bad results from the internet then maybe it's time to try something else? I know this is hard though because internet is a comfortable way to socialise but i also think it can be much more difficult in other ways. 

    I wish you luck, and take care.

  • You're not doing anything wrong. It's the "double empathy problem" which in a nutshell is anytime people have vastly differing experiences they struggle to empathise with each other. Since autistic people are in the minority we get marginalised.

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

    This is why I dislike pathologising a neuro type - the default is presumed to be neurotypical and anything that isn't neurotypical is judged as deficient, wrong and disordered. Our way of being in relationships is different than the majority of people and is misunderstood by them, for example I show I trust and want to be intimate with someone by sharing my special interests with them. NTs see this as "going on" about something and it bores them. So I have learned over the years that I mustn't do that if I want to keep a friend, which means I can't be authentic in relationships (masking) and it becomes really hard work for me. I'm actually a really good friend, I'm supportive, I'm there for people when they need help, I listen but this is rarely reciprocated. Last year I realised that there is a pattern of people telling me secrets that they don't tell people they feel close to because they know I'm non-judgemental, trustworthy and empathetic. Basically they use me as free therapy for stuff they feel ashamed of or don't want their friends to know because they think it will make them look bad. When people used to do that I thought it was a sign of friendship between us but then I noticed I was getting excluded from things and I was only being contacted when they wanted something from me. 

    I think the solution is to have autistic friends but that has it's own issues. I don't have answers, just acknowledging that you're not alone and it's not you it's the combination of NT and autistic. 

  • in reply to Autumn_Trees

    I'm male 24, 1 to 1 or small friendship groups tend to last a little longer but usually end up falling apart. I've only got one good friend but I can only encounter them late/early in the morning due to them being American and working the late shift.

  • Hi there :) 

    I can sort of relate, I have had my fair share of relationships go wrong - I think in part because of my autism and other mental health stuff...I also have often felt on the outside, but I found that I do better 1:1 than in groups generally. 

    I would recommend that you start trying to hang out with people just the two of you, rather than in a group. Especially with women (I don't know what gender you confirm to) but in my experience of being a woman, group dynamics can be laced with jealousy and competitiveness. If you take away the group - those things disappear. 

    Also I would ask what age you are? I found that my issues with making/keeping friends settled a bit when I got to my 30's as everyone is just a bit more comfortable in their skins by this point, I no longer have ups and downs with people. My friends are my friends and I don't see that changing at any point.