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Don't waste spoons on people that ask for your advice but don't want it.

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs

There is a behaviour that happens on this forum and it is worse than trolling because the poster may or may not be genuine, and you care about them but then no matter what you suggest to try help them they won't accept it. They might as well preface their original post with "whatever you say I have accepted my fate and it is bad, it just sucks to be autistic, you should feel bad too" and have it over with.
That may not be their intention, but we know intention counts for nothing compared to the result. So here it is the lesson learned today, don't wast your energy trying to help those that don't want to be helped. Yes you are right to care, yes you are right to be confused but you need to recognise the cut off point.
You cannot save a drowning man by reaching out to him if he won't reach back. For our own sakes as autistic people we need to maintain our own emotional energy, and self preservation is not selfish.
Yes there was a specific incident that set off the need to post this, but it's not just about one person, there are others who have and will come in here and engage in this behavior. And whether they mean to or not it harms the community here because it creates the same effect as  feeding-the-doom-trolls-comes-at-a-cost and takes it's toll on our collective mental health.
It's great to care, I wish more people cared, but please keep yourselves safe and healthy first.

Parents

  • While I think this is good advice in most scenarios, there is the small matter of this being an Autistic forum. Pragmatic communication is actually WELCOME. Attempting to express what one means is welcome. Attempting to be articulate, to have others engage and not disengage when communication becomes faulty and difficult and failing.

    This isn't a platform for those who communicate through ghosting. Many young Autists haven't been properly taught how to ask for a thing, how to engage in meaningful ways that connect. And many NT parents may not have ever been exposed to how we "Clean House" - or get messy in a difficult discussion, but steadfastly get through it to the other side. 

    Here, I would suggest, if you're new to Autistic Communication, it's good to learn to state "I Don't Want Advice". Hardly anywhere else will you find our communication style is accepted and encouraged. No Mind Reading, please. 

    To Add: if you know the "markers" that are invisible clues to recognise when someone doesn't actually want advice, perhaps you can help others to understand what they are :) 

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  • While I think this is good advice in most scenarios, there is the small matter of this being an Autistic forum. Pragmatic communication is actually WELCOME. Attempting to express what one means is welcome. Attempting to be articulate, to have others engage and not disengage when communication becomes faulty and difficult and failing.

    This isn't a platform for those who communicate through ghosting. Many young Autists haven't been properly taught how to ask for a thing, how to engage in meaningful ways that connect. And many NT parents may not have ever been exposed to how we "Clean House" - or get messy in a difficult discussion, but steadfastly get through it to the other side. 

    Here, I would suggest, if you're new to Autistic Communication, it's good to learn to state "I Don't Want Advice". Hardly anywhere else will you find our communication style is accepted and encouraged. No Mind Reading, please. 

    To Add: if you know the "markers" that are invisible clues to recognise when someone doesn't actually want advice, perhaps you can help others to understand what they are :) 

Children
  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey
    JuniperFromGallifrey said:
    Here, I would suggest, if you're new to Autistic Communication, it's good to learn to state "I Don't Want Advice". Hardly anywhere else will you find our communication style is accepted and encouraged. No Mind Reading, please. 

    That's the thing I'm not new to it, but I find others still expect me to be the mind reader sometimes. And I wish they would just say they are looking just for sympathy/empathy upfront if that's what they are here for.
    But when they specifically say they want advice (they use that specific word) or phrase it strongly that that is what they want then I give it. And ofc I do because I'm not coldhearted and apathetic to their issues.
    But it doesn't always become clear what they really expect from the interaction until a bit of time going back and forth has already been established, which not having out in the open soner rather than later feels cruel because my own spoons are already finite and they could have saved me and others wasting ours typing long winded replies trying to cover all bases offering up advice and links to other sources that may help (which we have to take extra time to go find btw).
    Naturally I don't charge a fee to try help people, I do it off my own back and because I give a damn, but I pay the cost of it myself in at least some energy expendature regardless even if the advice is taken.
    So I wish they would heed your advice. And be clear what they want from the start.

    JuniperFromGallifrey said:
    if you know the "markers" that are invisible clues to recognise when someone doesn't actually want advice, perhaps you can help others to understand what they are :) 

    Well that's the issue, I can't always see them, either at all, individually, or right away, in fact too often I don't see them until they have added up into a much bigger clue. That's what autism is like for me socially, it's not that I cannot read people at all, I just can't read them right away, or necessarily %100, and certainly not from just a handful of initial interactions. In the same way it takes many interactions for me to get the feel of a new person's default vibe/personality.
    Another problem is sometimes I think I see it but then dismiss it because the logic brain says "but they did explicitly ask  for advice" and then I might ignore that growing gut feeling even when I shouldn't be ignoring it. I can't say what that looks like for other people, but I hope if others can detect it at all then they do step back for the preservation of their own sanity before it gets to that bad point.