I'm 25, was diagnosed at 8. I still feel I have to articulate to my parents that I'm not happy with pressure being placed on me to live a so called normal life.
I'm awful at being assertive so I don't know how to navigate this.
I want to find an advocate or something but I don't know if the National Autistic Society would help. It has really been piling up and my energy levels have depleted.
Not that I know of. They'll dismiss this all as part of their culture and my dad has said that advocacy services only serve to 'tear apart families'.
For the first three months of this year, I thought they had learnt. With the help of someone I put together a guide to explain my autism and everything. Cracks were forming during Ramadan (mid March-mid April) and with the current events going on in my life everything feels so much more intensified.
I'm really worried for you reading all this. Is there anywhere you can go in an emergency if you have to get out of the house? Because I'm pretty sure a lot of this is abusive, and the pushing you to marry a cousin may even be illegal too.
Future wife even. My dad doesn't really take no for an answer, when I have to articulate several times that I don't wish to marry my first cousin but he'll still try and put the idea into my head.
They continue to open letters which are medical related - even if they're not super personal like a birthday card addressed to me, it's still uncomfortable. But they don't know not to and they'll scream at me if I dare challenge them.
My concern is without being told that these behaviours are wrong, they're going to impose the same pressure on my younger brother. He's not autistic but he's nearly 18 and I can already see a situation where my mum only ever shouts at him.
Opening your letters??
That does sound pretty controlling, violating certain pretty basic rights towards privacy!
By marrying you off, it sounds as though they want to confer a better social status on you, whilst also making you someone else's resonsibility. That would certainly be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire if the future husband did not have your best interests at heart.
Is there any oeganisation thst could help yiu with council accommodation or assisted living?
I've really struggled to find an advocate. Some of them have extremely long waiting lists and I can't say it's right for me to be waiting that long right now. But at the same time, I don't want to do something rash like calling emergency services or whatever, much as I often feel like I need to do something like that to emphasise how much I'm struggling.
They probably expect me to find a friend and hope that develops into a relationship. Well, to be fair to them, I had that (a friend who I was strongly convinced I liked). And I threw it all away (with what I posted in the 'autistic adults' section).
I don't want to have to force a meltdown to happen to make it clear how much I'm struggling but I fear that I might do.
- Stressful conditions within the home has made my mental health deteriorate to the point of suicidal ideation
- The lack of understanding surrounding structure has led to confusing household rules. I am constantly hypervigilant as my behaviours are always perceived as wrong, even when I am following their rules
- I am infantilised and my capacity is questioned. My parents have opened my post and I am under considerable pressure to get married
- I am not comfortable in my home but I do not feel that I have full independent living skills and feel I cannot leave
It sounds like you do ned to get out of there tbh, but I realise why that might be daunting for you, especially as you have been infantilised and may not have been taught the life skills you need to run something like a flat or been made to feel great anxiety from being made to feel incapabale of even smaller things.
I hope you do find an advocate 3rd party who can speak up for you with them because it sounds like they wouldn't be very receptive to the view of someone whose capacity they question unfortunately.
It seems very odd btw that they should infantilise you but then expect you to get married, which is in opposition to that. How do they suppose you are going to get married if you are still under their thumb?
I made these notes a while back. I might as well post the full lot. This is basically what I'm struggling with.
- Parents have attempted to 'treat' autism and suggested autism is a personal biological 'problem' with me. This has made me feel a lot of internalised guilt
- Parents have put considerable pressure on me to behave in a neurotypical manner and mask my autism. This has reached a point where I constantly have to mask, even in my own home and feel exhausted. I reach burnout very easily which exacerbates my autism
- Stressful conditions within the home has made my mental health deteriorate to the point of suicidal ideation
- The lack of understanding surrounding structure has led to confusing household rules. I am constantly hypervigilant as my behaviours are always perceived as wrong, even when I am following their rules
- I am infantilised and my capacity is questioned. My parents have opened my post and I am under considerable pressure to get married
- I am not comfortable in my home but I do not feel that I have full independent living skills and feel I cannot leave
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- I need support speaking to my parents to give them this information. I find it hard to articulate and I am concerned that I will not be understood when speaking from an emotional place.
I require an advocate to support me in delivering this information as I may reach a point where I struggle with my verbal language
- English is not my parents first language and there are cultural differences that may impact their understanding. It may be more appropriate for them to have cultural context surrounding my disability
- I need information surrounding autism to be tailored to me. Many resources are centred around supporting autistic children which is no longer relevant to my experience. Information needs to be in regards to the lived experience of autistic adults
- I am already aware of social groups for myself. I speak to other autistic adults and am active in the autism community. I am not seeking adult social groups
Oh you need some help from some where, for sure.
The NAS don't have a general advice line any more, but they host this and we're here.
What is it you want to communicate to your parents exactly?
And, no you don't have to live a "normal" life. You can live a better than "normal" life if you live it YOUR way. Hell, we were just not born for "normal". Who cares about "normal"?
We'll help you navigate this. Break it down bit by bit and chuck out your questions here.
