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Autistic partner - please help me understand

NAS86596

 My partner was diagnosed later in life with high functioning autism. It has bought us some clarity but I don’t know if I help at all. My partner is extremely argumentative and defensive and often accuses me of having too many feelings, being too demanding and needing mental health help. Whenever there is conflict - our recent one is about tidying up the bedroom - it is huge and explosive. My partner wants every element of my failing outlined and I either have to accept it or we dig in for days - currently I have to accept I was wrong to ask about the bedroom being tidy - I have left the pile for months as I’ve been scared to bring it up but we were relaxed and tidying anyway so I suggested the pile could be something to look at. 
I asked on Monday night. I then sat in a car park for two hours after work on Tuesday not wanting to come home because I knew the anger would be off the scale. We always agree not to talk when angry so things don’t escalate but this is then used against me as ignoring my partner. I sat in our bedroom on Monday night rather than argue and was accused of sulking and creating something where there was nothing. I tried to make friends on Tuesday morning but I have to account for why I sat upstairs first the night before. 

it doesn’t matter what we argue about it is always the same - I’ve been emotional and every thing I’ve said or done needs examining to prove why I am the problem. Eventually, I have to accept it but I am losing myself. I know I am. I see my children see me like this - apologising for asking for things to be picked up and I worry about what they think ans see. 
I’m so exhausted by these arguments which in a few days will be replaced with apologies for being so stubborn and not listening to me with promises we will do it differently next time. We never do. My partner cannot see anything except their own experience as valid. I’ve had to come home from work today I am so shaky with nerves because of the messages my partner is sending me about what an awful controlling person I am. An endless tirade about how useless, selfish and pointless I am. 
I wonder if it’s true ans the very fact I’m on here asking proves it. I suspect the upshot is I shouldn’t have asked about that pile. 
do I go to the Gp? Ask for what? To be different? Please can anyone help me. 

Parents

  • I'm not too sure here what you're referring to the you say "the pile". I'm assuming there's a corner with clothes and things and junk that either needs throwing out or sorting. Being autistic, things out of place become overwhelming. 

    I've only experienced this kind of controlling and unrelenting behaviour from a neurotypical partner. All humans can be controlling, have unreasonable expectations, a lack of understanding of boundaries and capable of being abusive (even if it's unintentional). But the moment I don't want to go home is the moment we need immediate help. 

    I had a therapist who had said a relationship can be measured by the rate of recovery. Everyone has disagreements and needs to make adjustments (provided they're reasonable). We all need to mind our potential to harm another or even our selves and take responsibly for our own control issues. Asking for help rather than demanding someone do things my way is how to treat the other with respect. Allowing the other a chance to meet us half way is useful. Name calling only creates resentment. Mind, you have to know for yourself when enough is enough. 

    There is an art to having an argument in such a way that it doesn't attack the other but resolves the problem. Unfortunately this must be learned. But both parties must be willing to take on disciplines in order to show respect and that might mean making an effort in a way which isn't immediately instinctual. "I want to talk but I'm shaken up. If you continue to push and force me to talk when I'm overwhelmed, I will lose respect for you which I'd rather not do". No one has a right to force us to do anything, love is about building the other up not tearing them down. But also words like these come from years of learning about my self, time alone to heal and regroup and engaged practice of growth. Perhaps there is a lot more with in this pile in the metaphysical sense which needs addressing? 

    A good therapist along with the ability to resolve and try again could be really useful here. Best of luck.

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