Autistic partner - please help me understand

I think the comments here from JuniperFromGallifrey here are excellent. 
The way you are being made to feel by your partner is unacceptable. I think in an ideal world you would have couples counselling with someone with good understanding of autism. I realise that might not be possible - it’s not always easy to access these things.

In the meantime it perhaps you could arrange time for you and your partner to sit down and calmly discuss your concerns, and try to find helpful solutions. Because what you describe is just no ok, neither for you or your children, and your husband is doubtless struggling too. 

I’m autistic and sometimes I have (what I presume would accurately be described as) meltdowns and shutdowns when I’m struggling to cope with certain situations. I have had anxiety issues for decades and it means that I do struggle with so many things. Sometimes my husband will do something that freaks me out and it ramps up my anxiety and we argue. It’s horrible. Like your husband I apologise and I feel terrible that I’ve freaked out and lost control over something that most people wouldn’t be very upset by. I love my husband and arguing is so upsetting for both of us, so when this happens it’s so horrible for both of us. 

The fact is that no matter what a person’s disability or mental health issues it is not ok to take that out on another person, least of all someone we love. I know that I will always have moments when I feel overwhelmed and scared and therefor I need to find ways to manage that. Sometimes I’ll just go out for a walk or a drive to get me out of the house so that the intensity of what I’m feeling dissipates. Sometimes I’ll have a glass of wine and that helps to calm me too, and make me care a bit less about whatever has upset or distressed me. 
I’m not sure about your partner but when I freak out it’s because I feel I can’t cope. My husband knows this, but it’s still not easy when it happens. 
Are there ways your partner could find to help him cope better with the things you describe, such as stuff around the house that causes stress for him? 
For example I don’t like too much disruption in my house, and sometimes my husband wants to have a huge clear up or something, so we’ll negotiate a way to do that that is less disruptive, or I’ll go out for a bit. Just practical solutions to the more practical household stuff etc. 

I feel confident that you’ll both be able to find some strategies that could prevent some of these arguments. 
But no matter what -  your partner has no right to verbally abuse you, and it’s really bad for your children to witness this too. He really needs to work hard to overcome his difficulties, and hopefully if you work together you can find a way to bring more harmony to your relationship. Good luck! x 

What your partner is doing is NOT okay. They are emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you. They are making you scared to come home and forcing you to justify sitting upstairs in your own house. None of that is okay. Neither I'd the fact that they are sending you such horrible messages. You should get out of their because your partner sounds like a narcissistic, gaslighting, emotionally + verbally abusive ***.

This is an outstanding response to OP's situation.

I'm not too sure here what you're referring to the you say "the pile". I'm assuming there's a corner with clothes and things and junk that either needs throwing out or sorting. Being autistic, things out of place become overwhelming. 

I've only experienced this kind of controlling and unrelenting behaviour from a neurotypical partner. All humans can be controlling, have unreasonable expectations, a lack of understanding of boundaries and capable of being abusive (even if it's unintentional). But the moment I don't want to go home is the moment we need immediate help. 

I had a therapist who had said a relationship can be measured by the rate of recovery. Everyone has disagreements and needs to make adjustments (provided they're reasonable). We all need to mind our potential to harm another or even our selves and take responsibly for our own control issues. Asking for help rather than demanding someone do things my way is how to treat the other with respect. Allowing the other a chance to meet us half way is useful. Name calling only creates resentment. Mind, you have to know for yourself when enough is enough. 

There is an art to having an argument in such a way that it doesn't attack the other but resolves the problem. Unfortunately this must be learned. But both parties must be willing to take on disciplines in order to show respect and that might mean making an effort in a way which isn't immediately instinctual. "I want to talk but I'm shaken up. If you continue to push and force me to talk when I'm overwhelmed, I will lose respect for you which I'd rather not do". No one has a right to force us to do anything, love is about building the other up not tearing them down. But also words like these come from years of learning about my self, time alone to heal and regroup and engaged practice of growth. Perhaps there is a lot more with in this pile in the metaphysical sense which needs addressing? 

A good therapist along with the ability to resolve and try again could be really useful here. Best of luck.

I am autistic and have my pet peeves as well, but I don't fly off the handle and demand that my partner declare she is wrong.  It's normal for everyone to have their peculiarities.  Establishing and respecting clear boundaries is essential in any relationship.  Perhaps, you guys can find a family therapist that has expertise in autistic people to help process the difficulties and associated emotions, so then you both can renegotiate your boundaries and expectations within the relationship.  However, you do not need to tolerate abuse despite him being autistic.  No one should tolerate abuse.

Speaking as a married man who was also diagnosed with autism in later life, autism is not a free pass to treat anyone like he is treating you.

From what you have written, he is demanding that you accept you are in the wrong or he will fly off the handle (which looks awfully like bullying to me); you're frightened to come home at night; whatever you do seems to require his approval (and will be wrong anyway); you are worried about the impact on your children; you are repeatedly verbally abused; and you are 'shaky with nerves'.

Yeah some of that may be caused by his autism, but that's a reason to have sensible conversations about boundaries / compromises, it's not something for him to wield over you in an abusive way.

If a friend of yours wrote that post, what would your advice to them be? I'll take a guess that it wouldn't be that they are the problem.

This all sounds like coercive control, and my advice would be to contact someone like Refuge's Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Thank you both - I’m just so sad and I don’t know who to ask for help. I have an appointment with my GP but other than the gibberish I’ve typed above, I don’t know where to start. I appreciate the time and kindness here. Thank you. 

I agree with Martin about looking into demand avoidance but autism also doesn’t cause narcissism and gaslighting. I know everyone is different but if I pointed out something my husband needed to tidy up he would feel more like there is a problem with himself because he hasn’t done it rather than start shouting at me and insulting me because I’ve dared to ask him something. Could you go to the GP but ask to talk to them about your mental health? You shouldn’t be shaky because you’re so scared to go home, they can point you towards some help

The following might be useful for you to look at: https://neuroclastic.com/control-issues-and-autistics-understanding-navigating-a-basic-autistic-needs/

Your partner's problems seem to be based on 'demand avoidance', 'an unreasonable desire for control' and a 'need to always be in the right'. While these traits can be linked to autism, the connection is not absolute, they are not the unavoidable result of being autistic. Therefore, some form of talking therapy for them, you, or both, might be helpful.