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Alexithymia

Luftmentsch

If I wanted to make an argument for my (I stress MY and not anyone else’s) experience of autism being more of a disability than a difference, I would focus on my alexithymia (difficulty experiencing and understanding emotions). This is not something imposed on me by an ableist society, it is something in my own head, where I can’t understand or even know what I’m actually feeling in a given situation. To put this in perspective, sometimes I find myself having to prove to myself that I love my loved ones, because I’m not sure that I feel anything. I have to look at my willingness to make sacrifices for them, the amount I think about them when they’re not around, the fear of losing them and so on to prove to myself that I must feel something positive, I just can’t always hear it.

I find that negative emotions, like loneliness, depression and anxiety, make themselves heard a lot more than positive ones like happiness, love, excitement or even equanimity. Lately, I’m planning the second half of my wedding (I had a civil wedding last year so my wife could get her visa, but we’re not “fully” married until our religious ceremony, which will be in May) and the stress and anxiety of wedding planning is audible (so to speak) in my head so much more than the joy and excitement. I know wedding planning is stressful even for neurotypicals (and we aren’t even having a big wedding!), but somehow it seems easy to focus on the negatives and forget the positives are there at all. I have to work hard to see the excitement and happiness that is there; I can’t just passively experience it like a “normal” person.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I don’t really have a question, unless it's to ask if anyone else experiences this. I am lucky enough to have people around me who accept my autism and mental health issues even when they don’t really understand them, but I’m scared to talk about this for fear that they’ll think I’m saying I don’t love them, or that they just won’t understand at all what it means not to feel or understand my own emotions. I’m not sure I really understand it, and I’m me! And I know not all autistics experience this, which somehow makes it even more isolating. Some have intense emotions. I have intense depression or anxiety sometimes, but I'm not sure I can imagine what intense joy or excitement would actually feel like.

Parents

  • Hi, I can’t offer much practical help, this is some of my experiences. Showing emotion or actuality feeling it is something I’ve always struggled with. I often get told I’m a ‘cold’ person.  I find if I don’t see someone, I don’t miss them or need them. I also  understand depression and anxiety, they have been with me since early childhood, it’s strange but they don’t feel abnormal to me. I struggle to know which emotion I should be feeling. I’ve been married for 30+ years, we are more, two people who just  live together. I have been  non verbal for about two days this week, I started talking again yesterday morning, that was only because my wife had a rant at me, I got told that I never say I love her or even good night, i replied that I will do that if that’s what she wants, I was then shouted at for not doing it because I’ve been told to. I get told off for giving one word answers, I try to explain that it’s often all I can manage. I then go into full mask and ask questions I think will be appreciated, all on my list of ‘concerned’ questions. I’ve never felt attachment to family, it sounds horrible to say but I find emotion clouds judgement. Don’t get me wrong, I generally get on very well with my wife, I think sometimes she sees other couples, they will hug and be attentive, I find touch very uncomfortable. I do feel emotion but I can be more than one emotion at once. I’ve been reading about alexithymia, it does make a lot of sense. The series of pictures on tests I find are the usual thing set by neurotypical people, I know what each expression means and what responses are required, I’ve had 50+ years to learn and remember them.

    You are heading into a new part of your life, you will get there, you are testing yourself as to how emotional you can be, I get that. It’s a big adjustment to life, weddings can be stressful, just try to enjoy it as much as possible. I’ve found it much easier not to try and be neurotypical around my wife all the time, the constant masking was more damaging  and exhausting, you will start to learn from each other. I think what I’m trying to say is don’t try and be something you’re not.  Hope the wedding goes well, I’m sure it will. Sorry to drone on,  Live long and prosper!

Reply

  • Hi, I can’t offer much practical help, this is some of my experiences. Showing emotion or actuality feeling it is something I’ve always struggled with. I often get told I’m a ‘cold’ person.  I find if I don’t see someone, I don’t miss them or need them. I also  understand depression and anxiety, they have been with me since early childhood, it’s strange but they don’t feel abnormal to me. I struggle to know which emotion I should be feeling. I’ve been married for 30+ years, we are more, two people who just  live together. I have been  non verbal for about two days this week, I started talking again yesterday morning, that was only because my wife had a rant at me, I got told that I never say I love her or even good night, i replied that I will do that if that’s what she wants, I was then shouted at for not doing it because I’ve been told to. I get told off for giving one word answers, I try to explain that it’s often all I can manage. I then go into full mask and ask questions I think will be appreciated, all on my list of ‘concerned’ questions. I’ve never felt attachment to family, it sounds horrible to say but I find emotion clouds judgement. Don’t get me wrong, I generally get on very well with my wife, I think sometimes she sees other couples, they will hug and be attentive, I find touch very uncomfortable. I do feel emotion but I can be more than one emotion at once. I’ve been reading about alexithymia, it does make a lot of sense. The series of pictures on tests I find are the usual thing set by neurotypical people, I know what each expression means and what responses are required, I’ve had 50+ years to learn and remember them.

    You are heading into a new part of your life, you will get there, you are testing yourself as to how emotional you can be, I get that. It’s a big adjustment to life, weddings can be stressful, just try to enjoy it as much as possible. I’ve found it much easier not to try and be neurotypical around my wife all the time, the constant masking was more damaging  and exhausting, you will start to learn from each other. I think what I’m trying to say is don’t try and be something you’re not.  Hope the wedding goes well, I’m sure it will. Sorry to drone on,  Live long and prosper!

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