I just feel Angry. The world has abandoned me. Turned its back on me. My friends have abandoned me. It feels like my own family has abandoned me. In my church I’m invisible. I move like a ghost among them. Those who should have protected and nurtured me have excluded me. Where I was the victim they have cast me as the bully. Schools, Sunday schools, youth groups, student groups. All through my life they pushed me out. People I trusted with my deepest secrets now ghost me and won’t return my calls.
I feel like if I cut my own heart out with a knife presented it to them on a plater and said ‘here this is what you’ve done to me,’ they’d find a way to make it my fault to try to persuade me I deserved this.
Life is monotony and isolation, peppered with disappointment and frustration. And people act like I’m an unreasonable pessimist. Anyone would be if their dreams were spat on as much as mine are.
I just want a chance to be happy. I never got a fair shot at that. The odds were stacked against me from the start. Oh I remember being young and thinking I could be the one to change the world and do great things. I took it as read that every day things like friends and youthful adventures and love and family would follow in the wake of that. How wrong I was.
No doubt most young people fail to realise their grand dreams but I thought I might at least enjoy the basic comfort of human connection. A bit of earthly excitement now and then. But no I spend most of my life in the social equivalent of the sinai desert. I’d probably have been happier growing up on a desert island. At least I wouldn’t be surrounded with examples of how my life could have been.
Like Pontius Pilate the world has stood up with great ceremony and washed its hands of me. Only my sacrifice accomplishes nothing. I am guilty as charged of the crime of being me and that they say gives them the right to cast me out. To thrust me down into darkness out of sight and out of mind never more for my misery to pr1k their consciences.
Why can I not hate them as I’d like. The world is a mad and bad place, it deserves no better, no mercy. So why do I have to fix everything? Why do I feel like I need to solve all the problems of all the situations and people whose lives are going wrong around me.
When is someone going to come and solve my problems? Not my pathetic GP who can’t even give me an appointment. Or the government that sees me as an inconvenient statistic. The long lost friends who’ve taken such great pains to put distance between us or sever ties? Exactly who is going to ride in on a white horse for me. Why am I the one expected to hold things together.
