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Feeling down and need to vent

Peter

I just feel Angry. The world has abandoned me. Turned its back on me. My friends have abandoned me. It feels like my own family has abandoned me. In my church I’m invisible. I move like a ghost among them. Those who should have protected and nurtured me have excluded me. Where I was the victim they have cast me as the bully. Schools, Sunday schools, youth groups, student groups. All through my life they pushed me out. People I trusted with my deepest secrets now ghost me and won’t return my calls.

I feel like if I cut my own heart out with a knife presented it to them on a plater and said ‘here this is what you’ve done to me,’ they’d find a way to make it my fault to try to persuade me I deserved this.

Life is monotony and isolation, peppered with disappointment and frustration. And people act like I’m an unreasonable pessimist. Anyone would be if their dreams were spat on as much as mine are.

I just want a chance to be happy. I never got a fair shot at that. The odds were stacked against me from the start. Oh I remember being young and thinking I could be the one to change the world and do great things. I took it as read that every day things like friends and youthful adventures and love and family would follow in the wake of that. How wrong I was.

No doubt most young people fail to realise their grand dreams but I thought I might at least enjoy the basic comfort of human connection. A bit of earthly excitement now and then. But no I spend most of my life in the social equivalent of the sinai desert. I’d probably have been happier growing up on a desert island. At least I wouldn’t be surrounded with examples of how my life could have been.

Like Pontius Pilate the world has stood up with great ceremony and washed its hands of me. Only my sacrifice accomplishes nothing. I am guilty as charged of the crime of being me and that they say gives them the right to cast me out. To thrust me down into darkness out of sight and out of mind never more for my misery to pr1k their consciences.

Why can I not hate them as I’d like. The world is a mad and bad place, it deserves no better, no mercy. So why do I have to fix everything? Why do I feel like I need to solve all the problems of all the situations and people whose lives are going wrong around me.

When is someone going to come and solve my problems? Not my pathetic GP who can’t even give me an appointment. Or the government that sees me as an inconvenient statistic. The long lost friends who’ve taken such great pains to put distance between us or sever ties? Exactly who is going to ride in on a white horse for me. Why am I the one expected to hold things together.

  • Sometimes, we're meant to be alone.

    People let us down, but that's their loss; not yours. 

  • I’m sorry Peter. I understand why you feel the way you do. I’m not part of the ‘autism is a superpower’ crowd - at times being autistic makes life incredibly hard and lonely. I’m really sorry that you’re currently feeling overwhelmed by life. I hope that things start to feel a bit better for you soon. These more severe negative mind states usually come in waves and they do ease eventually - I hope this happens for you soon. I’ve been there - so I empathise. I wish you strength my friend Rainbow

  • Very nicely written Peter, and all broadly very true of my existence too......albeit, you are currently blinded to the di minimis shafts of light that ARE omnipresent and keep our slitty little lives tolerable most of the time.  You do know what I speak of, I'm most certain, or else you wouldn't still be with us now.  I am glad you are here.  I am grateful for your steady and measured wisdom.  I value your insight.  You have helped me on occasion despite the chasm of nothingness between us (probably a data centre somewhere beneath the desert.)

    It's not only OK to have an outburst of realistic negativity - I think it is absolutely essential from time to time.  You talk of being a pessimist - I am a nihilist!  Some days are simply too much to bear.....and yet I bear them.  You do too.

    Rest assured of this sir, love me or hate me, I respect and value your existence and contributions.  We're not chums, but there is a very good chance that we would be if our paths were to cross one day.

    Keep swimming Peter.  Yes, it's a sewage treatment pond that we find ourselves in, but that's just a medium.  The medium is not that important, what we do within it -is.  So keep swimming.

    Hope spring eternal.  Trite, but true.  Just you wait mate, I'm absolutely certain that the next fleeting shaft of metaphorical sunlight will remind you that the darkest dark has absolutely no chance against even the shortest blast of light.

    By your side!

  • You missed out a few question marks, but otherwise you nailed our existence.

    And the straight answer to your question, which in many ways for even many normies is as old as time, is: "Because you are a man"

    Now buck up and get on with it! And TBF, I quite like you when you post, even when you are on the other side of an issue, you keep your head.

    You might get some benefit from the book I recommend in my bio. It's cheap, and fairly thin, and gives you some tools (that might take another 20 years to work out on your own) for "social success".

    Keep your chin up mate, and remember these feelings always pass, I was truly miserable for a ridiculous length of time, but I am glad I stuck with it now.

    Autism some days seems like all downside, but I bet you are actually really quite indispensable sometimes. The annoying part I find is that some  of other peoples crapulence turns out to have been down to the way I looked at the situations and some of it isn't, this seems to mean I have to be nicer than they do, to achieve the same social effect.