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Vicious cycle- how to motivate yourself when you feel like you have nothing left to fight for

Ann :)

Hi, I feel bad posting again, but I am really struggling. I have so many issues (burnout, stress/anxiety, eating issues and urgently need to gain weight etc) and I realised part of me just doesn't want to get better as I feel like I have no goal and nothing I like doing anymore. I had such a strong wish to do a PhD but now that I have offers, I felt no pleasure when I got them, just stress and the feeling that I must be a liar and none of them feel right for me. Having to decide what to do is giving me further agony- I desperately just want one of them to feel right and to motivate me so that I can have something I enjoy and want to work towards again but it all feels wrong for various reasons... but I have no idea what to to if I don't accept any of these. I don't like my job and there is nothing else I ever liked or am good at. 

The other thing that used to motivate me is my love for hiking and outdoor activities (running, cycling, riding etc), but due to injuries I haven't been able to do these for 3 years now and I am too underweight now anyways (which makes it a little easier to bear that I am trapped though of course it is not helping).

I feel like the 2 things that I love science and hiking are outside of my reach or I just don't really seem to care anymore. I am very goal orientated and I feel like I need something I believe in or some goal to work towards to get myself motivated to keep going and to try and break free from all of my problems- but at this point I have given up and don't know what I am still doing on this planet. I don't feel like there is anything left. It's sad and pathetic.

I'm so sorry for writing such a depressed post. I don't know what is wrong with me but I have 0 energy and fight left. I just want to disappear.  

Parents

  • I was like that since September to January. It started with failing to get on daily studies, because of no referral, the fault wasn't mine, but systems, college teachers I had no longer thaught at college, and college didn't want to give me contact to them. It felt like the last thing I can do, since everything else failed previously. I was just hanging there. No purpose, no hope. I felt like zombie vegetable on life support. How long one can go like that? But I broke the cycle, starting OU from February, they did not need referrals. My motivation to continue returned about the same time.

    Maybe it was just break from pushing myself constantly? But how to live without purpose?

    New hobbies are not easy to start in adulthood. It annoys me as well.

    Most of my old hobbies would be more entertaining if I had anybody around to talk about them, doing them solo isn't as much fun.

    Don't dissapear. Hang in there. Solution will come sooner or later.

  • in reply to Mariusz

    Hi! I'm so glad to hear that you have been able to start at OU and that that has been positive!! I took a few modules with them when I was still at school and it was great! What subject are you studying?  I can relate to what you are saying. With no purpose/ goal and also no energy, I also sink into this absolute hopeless and comatose, but still super anxious state... It's so hard to balance too because I do think, that for short periods of time it would probably be quite healing to be ok with not having 'a purpose' and just allowing yourself to relax (I struggle with feeling like I constantly need to be productive in some way), but then I think at some point comes the time, at least for me, where I need something to drag me out of my purposeless, depressed and stuck existence and to give me some motivation and the will to keep going again. 

    What hobbies do you have? 

    Thanks so much for your support :) We can do it. 

Reply
  • in reply to Mariusz

    Hi! I'm so glad to hear that you have been able to start at OU and that that has been positive!! I took a few modules with them when I was still at school and it was great! What subject are you studying?  I can relate to what you are saying. With no purpose/ goal and also no energy, I also sink into this absolute hopeless and comatose, but still super anxious state... It's so hard to balance too because I do think, that for short periods of time it would probably be quite healing to be ok with not having 'a purpose' and just allowing yourself to relax (I struggle with feeling like I constantly need to be productive in some way), but then I think at some point comes the time, at least for me, where I need something to drag me out of my purposeless, depressed and stuck existence and to give me some motivation and the will to keep going again. 

    What hobbies do you have? 

    Thanks so much for your support :) We can do it. 

Children
  • in reply to Ann :)

    I miss most someone with a head for strategies, my old buddies moved away. All kinds of turn-based strategy board games or single player PC games like Warhammer Battle, Battle Brothers, Urtuk: The Desolation, Battletech. It used to be my way to socialise, meet guys playing games like that and talk about games without end, and speculate over various exploits. Loong loong time ago my eldest sister was a buddy like that, but then she got married and turned into 24/7 stay-at-home full time mom. But she is happy so I'm not trying to drag her away back to old habits.

    I joke sometimes I could use a Sunday afternoon tea with Napoleon in his tent discussing strategies. Smiley

    At OU I started BSc Math, something that will not require much from me, and I won't learn anything new probably until 3rd semester. Until then it will be only familiarising myself with terminology in english.

    My limit to go without purpose is 5 weeks, and I loose it.

    I have a telescope and no place to place it, so I could leave tripod standing there, it takes an hour to position it correctly, so repeating the process everytime is just annoying