Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I have been feeling like a massive failure for a while and this is plaguing me and not helping me get anywhere- but I may have just had an epiphany and wanted to share and see what you think? And also ask how you deal with feelings of failure?
so basically focusing on positives has not worked for me because clearly there are a lot of issues...
so i started writing all the reasons i am a huge failure accross my scrapbook. I then looked at them more closely
- all listings of past failures, i dismissed. That’s the past and it doesn’t help to feel bad now about those- only useful thing might be to analyse why it went wrong (if it is same kind of failure)
- some points were simply irrelevant or unsubstantiated
- then i realised there were several reasons that are actually valid concerns. So i acknowledged that yes I did fail. No use being all positive and pretending it isn’t that bad when in fact there is a serious issue (in my case repeated burnouts- this time again so bad i am no longer capable of doing my job or much else and am also physically unwell and underweight due to issues with digestion, eating and stress). But I then thought ok. Well I am like an experiment that failed and I need to troubleshoot. Step 1 is acknowledging it went wrong Step 2 - list all possible reasons why and factors that could have contributed Step 3: pick those factors and reasons that seem to have played biggest part and are likely to have biggest impact (or those are easily fixable) and start addressing them. Step 4: try again and see what happens. Step 5: repeat the above until it is working to a satisfactory level...
- i also realised there were some reasons and fears that i could truth check/ - like feeling like a failure because my friends would hate me if they knew how much i am failing and struggling- so i realised i have to start confiding in more people... i also realised having to pretend to be ok all the time Is super exhausting and isolating.
i have no idea if my new idea is going to help me, but I feel like this is one of the most helpful thought processes i have had about my feelings of being a failure. I feel much better acknowledging that yes I failed at things and it’s ok. And there are valid reasons i am feeling this way but i will now try and address those reasons. I also think what helped is that i realised that in past i never properly addressed a lot of issues so past failures do not mean future success is impossible. I hope it is not as I need to learn to cope with life.
i’m curious- how do you deal with feeling like a failure?
I felt like a failure for years, having to give up my career at such a young age following a major breakdown.
However when I received my autism diagnosis it allowed me to look back and re-evaluate the situation through my new found autistic lens. I began to accept that I had not failed. I had been in a job that was totally unsuitable for me and without any support or reasonable adjustments.
Ann :) said:That’s the past and it doesn’t help to feel bad now about those- only useful thing might be to analyse why it went wrong (if it is same kind of failure)
It might be useful to work out what support or reasonable adjustments you were lacking in that situation, which may have helped avoid burnout. Then going forward in a similar situation you can ask for those adjustments, preferably long before you think you need them. By the time you think you need the support and adjustments you are already far into the burnout.
The problem with burnouts is that you can get stuck in a cycle, thinking that you have no choice but to keep going. You do keep going until suddenly you can't. At that point it finally becomes clear that work is not as important as you thought it to be.
I’m sorry to hear that you had to give up your career because of burnouts. I’m glad that realising you are autistic has helped you- I feel like being diagnosed earlier would be a big help... (i was 25)
I can relate to what you say about just getting more and more burntout and always pushing to keep going. I noticed now that when I get quite burntout I tend to invest even more energy into work as it gives me a temporary kick/energy and as I feel more useful/ leas guilty then but of course this makes it worse. And I feel like even when I did have a break I always had to go back before I was ready and also never really learnt any techniques to cope or addressed the causes of the burnout so I just end up burntout even more and faster than the previous time