Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I have been feeling like a massive failure for a while and this is plaguing me and not helping me get anywhere- but I may have just had an epiphany and wanted to share and see what you think? And also ask how you deal with feelings of failure?
so basically focusing on positives has not worked for me because clearly there are a lot of issues...
so i started writing all the reasons i am a huge failure accross my scrapbook. I then looked at them more closely
- all listings of past failures, i dismissed. That’s the past and it doesn’t help to feel bad now about those- only useful thing might be to analyse why it went wrong (if it is same kind of failure)
- some points were simply irrelevant or unsubstantiated
- then i realised there were several reasons that are actually valid concerns. So i acknowledged that yes I did fail. No use being all positive and pretending it isn’t that bad when in fact there is a serious issue (in my case repeated burnouts- this time again so bad i am no longer capable of doing my job or much else and am also physically unwell and underweight due to issues with digestion, eating and stress). But I then thought ok. Well I am like an experiment that failed and I need to troubleshoot. Step 1 is acknowledging it went wrong Step 2 - list all possible reasons why and factors that could have contributed Step 3: pick those factors and reasons that seem to have played biggest part and are likely to have biggest impact (or those are easily fixable) and start addressing them. Step 4: try again and see what happens. Step 5: repeat the above until it is working to a satisfactory level...
- i also realised there were some reasons and fears that i could truth check/ - like feeling like a failure because my friends would hate me if they knew how much i am failing and struggling- so i realised i have to start confiding in more people... i also realised having to pretend to be ok all the time Is super exhausting and isolating.
i have no idea if my new idea is going to help me, but I feel like this is one of the most helpful thought processes i have had about my feelings of being a failure. I feel much better acknowledging that yes I failed at things and it’s ok. And there are valid reasons i am feeling this way but i will now try and address those reasons. I also think what helped is that i realised that in past i never properly addressed a lot of issues so past failures do not mean future success is impossible. I hope it is not as I need to learn to cope with life.
i’m curious- how do you deal with feeling like a failure?
Sometimes, think about if what you said to yourself, you said to a friend instead. It wouldn't be kind to them would it? So why are we so unkind to ourselves? Would you like your friend less if you found out they had failed somehow? No, you'd want to help.
You'll never recover from burnout if you consider you have failed. And I think it's easy to get into burnout if you start again at 100mph. Boom and bust isnt sustainabke and the impact now on your mental health might have physical consequences when you get older.
For a given situation, you might get to step 5 and it might never work out. At what point is it enough that you tried? I get the impression, I bet your 50% is more than a lot of people's 100%! But what's wrong with 80 or 85% if it means a healthier and more sustainable life? You are still probably putting more in than most people even if you took it back a few notches.
What's so wrong about failure for you? I think some acceptance is good. Thinking well something didn't go to plan but mostly the end results are not catastrophic. I get the "pretending everything is ok" thing. Especially when it's difficult to explain ourselves. Its hard work. I'm learning more now "well I didn't get A or B done but achieved C & D and that's better than nothing at all".